"Before I can say I am, I was."

I am so inspired by good writing - the kind that gives you something to think about without making you try too hard. And I love writing that sounds beautiful. Anyway, I started reading our book group book for next month - Angle of Repose by Wallace Stegner. I am only four pages in, but I am already inspired. Here are some thoughts:

"I started to establish the present and the present moved on. What I established is already buried under layers of tape. Before I can say I am, I was. Heraclitus and I, prophets of flux, know that the flux is composed of parts that imitate and repeat each other. Am or was, I am cumulative too...I am much of what my parents and expecially my grandparents were...I believe in Time, as they did, and in the life chronological rather than the life existenial. We live in time and through it."

What he is talking about is his desire to learn of, about, and from his ancestors, those who helped shape who he is. But his grown children think he is crazy and believe that time is the present, that the past is just that.

This past weekend we went to Phoenix to celebrate my nieces' birthdays. We also were able to visit my grandparents. I am so impressed with the work they are doing. They are indexing thousands of records and have completed so much of their own family history - my family history. But they haven't just collected names, they have collected stories, experiences and photos. I was able to read some while I was there and I am so excited for those they are going to send me. What strikes me the most, however, is the feeling I get when I learn of those from whom I came. I feel pride in hearing about their triumphs, strength to know that I can overcome as well, and encouragement to be who I can be - someone like them because I came from them.

I have wondered before and I did again this weekend why it seems that we only find interest in our ancestors when we get older. I know part of it is availability of time, but I think we can become so wrapped up in making our own lives that we forget those who have helped shape those lives, whose lives can offer lessons. I can say that something insided me shouted "YES!" when I read the passage I quoted that described life as chronological, not existential. It is easy to look to our parents, or even our grandparents as our forebearers and I respect them so much and have learned so much from their examples. But I want to dive deeper. So here I am, resolved to learn more about those who made me, to let them teach me and inspire me.

I've got to do it

Okay, I am not one to talk, especially on a blog, about pop culture. I find most of it absolutely ridiculous and therefore not worth talking about. But there is one thing that I am so disturbed by that I am going to talk about it. When I had cable I used to watch "Jon and Kate Plus 8" and now we all know what happened there - drama and divorce. Now he is off party hopping around the world with different women on his arm, piercing his ears, smoking, buying sports cars, etc. He essentially is trying to gain back his youth and freedom. He stated many times in the show that he was too young to have as much responsibility as he does. But here's the problem - he chose to have that responisbility. He chose to get married. He chose to have kids. And with those choices comes responsibility. (Now, I know that maybe there are other issues at play and this could be simplistic, but I think we can agree that his actions are pretty irresponsible.) Fortunately for those kids, they have a mother that is completely devoted to them.

I love seeing people embrace the responsibility of children - who have them and don't begrudge the change in lifestyle. Because a change of lifestyle it is. You are no longer free. You have responsibilities that you can't just lock in a cage like a pet. But you also have extreme joy, growth, and love. Don't get me wrong, there are times when I look at the door and consider just walking out. But you can't find what children and family give you in parties, wealth or fame - or in anything else for that matter. But you have to sacrifice yourself to find those things. And you won't regret it. There is time in life for everything. Some day your kids won't be young and demanding and you will have time for all the pursuits you dream of. But there will not be another time to wrestle your little kids on the floor, sing with them when they are silly or hold them close with they are sad. And that is what I remember when both my boys are yelling at each other or whining at me all day - someday they will be grown and I will long to have them young again.

Look out world!

So, I have been self-reflective today. It has been one of those times when I decide that I have to change. And so I am going to. I have to...I am bugging myself!

Here is the thing. For some reason I have always devalued myself, as in my opinions, ideas, preferences, etc. If someone disagrees with me, I just assume that I am the wrong one, at least in that conversation. I don't know why, but for some reason I have decided that everyone else is more qualified for life. I think that is why I struggle to keep up with this blog. I feel like no one should care about what I think about anything and I don't want to be presumptuous enough to think they do.

Also, if anyone voices a preference for doing something one way or wanting something, I will always go with that instead of what is best for me. Most times it doesn't matter and I am happy to do what is best for them, but sometimes I am terribly inconvienced because I feel like I cannot impose my preferences on anyone.

But I am done. I'm not going to swing too far mind you, but I am going to change. I think this is why I have always been a homebody - I am me when I am at home, either with my parents or my husband. I am confident in my ideas, opinions, actions and desires. But for some reason that stops when I walk out the door.

Not any more though. I have ideas, good ones in fact. I have opinions about life and they are just as valid as anyone else's, and it is okay if they don't agree. And sometimes it is okay to do things the way that is best for me. Okay, now I just need to keep saying these things to myself until I can do it. I really don't know why I feel like I am not as valid as anyone else, but I am working on it. Fortunately I am married to a psychologist who can help me with assertiveness. Wish me luck!

I'm a changed woman!

I got to go out by myself for a bit today. It was great, a trip to the craft store without screaming kids grabbing every spool of ribbon they see! As I was driving home, classical music turned up loud, I was quite enjoying myself. And then I saw a garbage truck and got really excited about it, but stopped short of pointing it out to Jordan, who wasn't in the car. Point being, they have me trained. I get excited to see garbage trucks now. Every time we go out Jordan exclaims, "we going to see garbage trucks?!" And I tell him I don't know if they are out. "Can we see garbage trucks?!" Then I remind him that if he looks around maybe he will. So whenever we are out and about we look for garbage trucks and excitedly point them out to each other. So, there you have it. Garbage trucks excite me. Oh, and if you ask me at any given point in the day what song is in my head, it will 9 times out of 10 be a kids song, probably Doodlebops. Man, those songs are catchy!

What to do!

I am kind of stuck. For a while I wanted projects to work on, books to read, or just something to fill my time. And now I have too many. Too many, in fact, that I have a hard time actually accomplishing much on any one thing. And, apparently that includes blogging! Somehow I need to cut it down or strategize. But I love projects! I love having something to create. So how do I decide?
I have recently discovered how to make blog backgrounds, and I love doing it. I love mixing up colors and patterns. At any rate, it gives me a chance to try something new and learn to be a bit more creative. I kind of think it would be fun to start one of the blogs that has backgrounds to use, but it isn’t a necessary project…
I am also learning to sew right now, and I am finding out that it is going to take a bit of practice to get it down. But I have so many things I want to make. I have realized that I am getting pickier about what I want, yet cheaper at the same time, which makes for a difficult combination. So, I want to learn to make what I want!
I also love reading. I can’t stop, which is why I need to cut down, actually! I just picked up two more large books to read and I reserved my book group book for next month. It is so fun to immerse myself into a good story.
Oh, I haven’t touched my scrapbooking. I am so far behind that I am afraid I may never catch up!
But how do I do it all? I have found that when I have so many things that I want to do that my days are a little more stressful because I want to get to other things. But during the day, I need to focus on my boys and house. So how do I find the balance? Do I give some of it up? Do I make a schedule? How do I learn the patience to wait until there is time? Oh, and how do I find the energy to keep up after a day with my boys?! Any tips?

Growing older...

I've been thinking a lot about my age lately. I honestly thought it would never bother me to be getting to thirty. Often maturity and abilities are judged by age and so I've always wanted to get to that age when no one can say, "well you don't know because you are young..." I suppose it is just vanity, but I wanted to achieve the respect that comes with age. But now that it is coming, I'm not so sure.
This year I will turn 29. Next, 30. Wow, even writing it sends me into shock! I am afraid that I looked forward so much to maturity that I didn't fully enjoy youth. I did fully enjoy my college years, so I suppose this all started when I got married and had kids - I felt like I should be older and more mature. So, I am setting a goal to act my age, to have fun and worry a little less about how people perceive me in this season of life. Right now I don't have to run kids around to every activity, be in the PTA or make a name for myself in the community. More importantly, I don't have to be perfect in order to prove to people that I am mature and capable, even in my twenties. It doesn't matter. Right now I get to run around with my kids, learn new skills and just do my best at whatever I do.

Just a thought...

It has been a while. I feel like I am having a hard time sifting through my thoughts, at least in any way that would be coherent! So, I am posting a quote I found and loved. Enjoy!

“In order to qualify for exaltation in the celestial kingdom, we must gain the trust of the Lord here on earth. We gain the trust of the Lord through earning it, and that is accomplished through our actual performance in living His gospel and keeping our covenants. In other words, we earn the trust of the Lord by doing His will.” - Elder Richard J. Maynes, Nov. 2004 Ensign

The magic is fading

I love being a mom. I love being the center of their worlds as much as they are mine. As such, I have held a super power - healing. Until recently, not matter how Jordan got hurt, a kiss from me and he was up and better. But things are changing. He is getting older. He understands more. Now when I kiss his pain, he looks at me with a questioning face and says, "it still hurts..."

Fortunately, whenever Evan gets hurt he puts his hand on his head (no matter where he is hurt) and runs to me for a magical kiss, the kind that makes him all better.

Who are you?

We lost our cable a couple weeks ago so I find myself watching shows every once in a while that I normally wouldn't. The other day it was Dr. Phil (my husband hates Dr. Phil, so I guess a little has rubbed off...) The former Miss Washington was on speaking about how pictures were stolen off her computer, put on the internet, and used against her ending in losing her title. They were taken on an evening with friends when she was being "silly" as she said. She was flipping off the camera, drinking, etc while wearing her crown. She defended herself by saying that she should not be judged by things she does with good friends, when no one else is watching - it isn't who she really is.

Her argument reminded me of a quote I found when I was reading a conference talk the other day:

"We need to be aquainted with the promptings of the Holy Ghost, and we need to practice and apply gospel teachings until they become natural and automatic... Elder Oaks said, 'Testimony is to know and to feel, conversion is to do and to become.'" - Elder Allan F. Packer

I think the essence of who we are is who we become based on what we believe and practice. And that is what you do and are at all times, when people are looking and when people are not. So if you behave some way, in any circumstance, that is a part of who you are. (As an aside, I know we all make mistakes and sometimes do things we regret...I am speaking here generally.) I know that as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I hope that my actions, thoughts, speech and behavior, are consistant at all times with my beliefs and testimony of Jesus Christ and his gospel. As we are converted more and more, who we become will be what we believe. I love that.

Influence

I saw a commercial the other day that set me off thinking. It showed a family together in a room that was full of the father's guitars. One of the daughters, who was about 8 or 9 years old was wearing guitar earings and singing into a microphone. My first thought was that she must like guitars because her father does. I know, not terribly profound. But I thought of all the things that I liked, disliked, and such that were influenced by my parents.

When I was younger my dad and I watched sports together, especially NASCAR. I loved NASCAR - in fact, I still get all excited when I see it. I know I liked it because my dad did. And I love the memories of experiencing that together.

Our interests and passions influence our children. I felt a bit overwhelmed by this whole thought process. What will I pass on to my kids. What do I like that they will like? Music, politics, silliness (well, that one for sure!) Then I remembered an experience I had as a teenager.

My mom has always been a great example to me of faith. I remembered her always reading her scriptures, having gospel discussions with me, getting excited for temple trips, and the like. One Sunday, I think when we were close to moving from Maine, we had testimony meeting in Young Women, where my mom was president. I bore mine and I remember one of the leaders commenting that my testimony reminded them of my mother. I was so proud. I hope that among all those things that I might influence my kids to like, that foremost is to love the gospel and have unwavering faith. I know without a doubt that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is true, and I hope they will too.

Inspiration

I read this quote tonight, and was so inspired. This is what I want to be:

“God planted within women something divine that expresses itself in quiet strength, in refinement, in peace, in goodness, in virtue, in truth, in love. And all of these remarkable qualities find their truest and most satisfying expression in motherhood.” –Gordon B. Hinckley

Life gets challenging and sometimes I am not who I want to be. I get frustrated more than I want to when the boys won't listen, I am impatient more often than I want and can see so many things I want to improve. I find, though, that when I remember who I could be, it is easier for me to be it. Does that make sense? What I mean is that when I remember the divine nature and potential that I have as a woman, I want to live up to it. I want to find a little more patience, be a little kinder, be calmer, do a little more. I want to be incredibly good. So, here is my inspiration, my quest to be better, to live up to what my Heavenly Father wants me to be, and what I want to be. And most importantly, I am going to try harder to be the mother I want to be. Wish me luck!

What a day.

My day today was...well...less than great. It was just one of those days.

The day actually started pretty well. The boys woke up before 6:00, but Mike got up with them and woke me up at 7:30 with breakfast because we weren't home yesterday for Mother's Day. That was pretty nice.

Next, I needed to run errands. Most importantly, I needed to get light-blocking curtains for the boys' rooms so they will sleep past 5:45 am! So, I went to Target because I needed to get a couple of other things there too. And Evan fussed the whole time. And they didn't have curtains. So off to Ross. Found two curtain rods, one missing screws, but that made it really cheap. Jordan screamed (literally) the whole time. Went to Walmart, got curtains. Jordan screamed the whole time.

Then, after lunch, we all took a nap.

After the boys woke up I decided to fix our vacuum that broke last week. I started it up and our house filled with burned rubber smoke. It wasn't the belt that was the problem but I burned through another one. Now here is where the next problem for the day is - we are not handy people. So, since I didn't know what could be the problem, I headed back to Target, because in trying to fix the vacuum, I dumped a bunch of dust and dirt on the floor thinking I would just vacuum it up! Jordan and Evan both screamed the whole time on this trip. I bought a vacuum then got to talk to my mom. We came up with what was wrong with my other vacuum and I fixed it! Then it broke again, leaving junk all over the carpet I just vacuumed. Good times.

Oh, and did I mention Evan's 4 dirty diapers and Jordan's 2 for the day?

Then Mike got home and after dinner we tried to hang the curtains that I chased down this morning. And, after one broken drill bit and half a screw broken into the wall, we gave up for the evening.

After the boy's bath and prayer I was just sitting on the floor too exhausted and frustrated with my day to get up yet. Then Jordan came over and tried to make me laugh and smile. And it worked.

Sometimes I get overwhelmed with how hard everything is to do with kids, especially my kids. They aren't the sit quiet types. Anyway, they always remind me how worth it it is to be a mom. It is a sacrifice. Things are harder. And sometimes I really just don't want to deal with them. But I am always so happy that they are mine, that I get be with them every day.

It all started with one day.

Four years ago, we were married. It was a perfect day...well except for the temple guide that kept harshly telling me what to do! We had a brunch, were married, and had our reception. We were surrounded by friends and family. We were happy.

I think of how different our lives are now. We have moved two times, Mike has a Master's degree, we have aged and have experienced four years of married life - we have become one. Most of all, we have our amazing little boys. It is hard to imagine that the two people in this picture don't know Jordan's happy, social little self, or Evan's thoughtful, silly personality.
I think that is the most amazing thing about the Plan of Salvation - it truly is the plan of happiness. To know that what was started that day, forming an eternal bond, means that we have sealed our children to us forever, those children we only hoped for then. And that makes us truly happy.

One hot summer week...

We have been running fans here a lot lately because it is already in the 90's, and I have to say that I love the sound of a fan. It is a happy summer sound. But now that sound always takes me back to one moment in time - the week after Jordan was born.

Jordan was born at the end of June in Oregon during a heat wave. Some friends of ours in the ward were so kind to us and gave us an air conditioner for our window. We were so grateful for that air conditioner because we could keep our newborn cool and happy. Anyway, my delivery with Jordan was pretty awful. Hours and hours of laboring, 4 1/2 hours of pushing and finally a c-section. Needless to say, I felt horrible. But that week after he was born is still one of my happiest memories. My mom was in town to help, which meant taking care of me (there is something wonderful about being taken care of by your mom, no matter how old you are). I had my sweet little Jordan and Mike was at home with us taking a bit of a break from school. So, my mind has wandered to that happy time many, many times lately, and I am so glad to have such a happy memory.

What I can do

As I have said before, I used to be really active in the Republican Party when I was in college. But after I married and had kids, I turned off politics. I found myself too riled up all the time and needed a break. But then something changed. I think a lot of times we women generally focus inward towards our families. However, the way things are going, we can’t ignore what the government is doing that not only threaten our country, but our families as well. And so I want to get involved again. But I found that I’m not sure where I fit. I am a conservative but the Republican Party is getting less and less conservative. On the other hand I do feel that government is good for some things, just not as much as they think they are good for.

So I talked with Mike about what I want to do. I want to be involved again, but in what and doing what? Then I had a thought. I think that whether or not you believe the two-party system is good or bad, it is here to stay. But, what if we try to influence the party we feel most closely resembles what we believe, starting at the bottom? We get involved in our precincts, go to conventions where party platforms and candidates are decided. Vote in our primaries, propose changes to party ideas, run for local office if possible. If people do this, we can change the direction of our party and hopefully our state and country.

Anyway, that is my idea and I can do it while taking care of my family.

The little things

I am so happy to be a stay-at-home mom. I have been reading Dr. Laura's new book, and I am going to talk about that more later (exciting, huh!) But I have been thinking a lot lately about how much I love being at home and hearing Jordan develop. He says the funniest things.
For example, today I was changing yet another dirty diaper - seriously, it can't be normal how many dirty diapers I change in a day - and Jordan walked up to Evan and said, "no more dirty diapers today Evan!"
Earlier that day he was telling me he wanted "a different else." I love that he gets what things mean and experiments with putting them together.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I love being here to hear these little moments. Maybe they seem mundane, but to me they are extraordinary.
Then tonight I watched my boys play with their dad. They laughed and ran and had such a good time. And I can tell you that there in NO other joy greater than watching your family be happy together. No "me time" activity is better than being in a happy home together. And I am so grateful to give my time - full time - to that pursuit.

My life...

The past few weeks have been crazy busy for me. I had the blessing of being a part of Savior of the World here in Las Vegas, and I absolutely loved it. I loved getting to play my flute again, and more importantly, I loved getting to do it in a way to worship. Every show I felt myself getting emotional as the cast and choir sang “Jesus Once of Humble Birth.” I have no doubt that Christ is the Savior of the world, that He lived and died for us to find eternal joy.

One other reason I wanted to be a part of this production was to take back a bit of me. I find such fulfillment through music. I love joining others to create something so beautiful. So for me, this opportunity was a sanity saver. I reclaimed a part of me. But, in doing so, I was gone most nights for over three weeks. And though I crave small breaks from the constant demands of little children, I found myself missing them so much. I missed being at home to put them to bed, to do “mama time” with my boys. I wondered if I was being selfish by taking that time away from them.

But I realized that I was a better mom for getting to do something for me. It seems cliché to say, but true. I found more joy in being at home and I appreciated them more.

I think the key is, as with everything, finding balance. In this season of my life, my main focus, priority, and time consumer is my family, my kids. And I am perfectly okay with that. But, at the same time, I need to have bits of time when I can do those things that give me personal joy. That is the hardest thing for me to concede actually, more so than giving up everything for them. I have to learn to and practice giving myself time to do what I enjoy.

I would, however, never change anything about where I am at. I absolutely adore my boys. And I am so glad that I have my two little boys that are 18 months apart and getting to be such good friends. Honestly, it was really hard for a while having them so close (and I know people have done closer…) and so active and demanding. But it was most definitely worth it. I love watching them laugh and play together. And I can deal with the fighting for those happy moments.

Focusing on the life of the Savior for a concentrated amount of time was truly a blessing. It reminded me that through Him it is possible for us to live with our families forever. And I am so grateful for that.

It isn't just a justification...I promise!

I know what I am about to say will probably make many moms shudder, but I let my kids eat lunch on our couch. I know, awful. But there's a reason...another confession. I want them to watch tv. I am a huge fan of PBS. They have great shows for kids, especially the ones around lunch time - Word World, Super Why, and Sid the Science Kid (they don't watch all of them everyday, just whichever is on when they eat lunch). Jordan actually knows the sounds of about ten letters because of these shows. I know in a perfect world I would be teaching him these sounds myself, but I do practice them with him. The boys both love these shows. Jordan will repeat letters, sounds, and science ideas that he learns. So, I like them having that time...and I feel less guilty about getting to eat my lunch in peace in the kitchen.

As an aside, I think I am going to start doing phonics with Jordan. He loves learning, especially about letters and the little bit we go over from these shows he gets really excited about. We are teaching him that different letters make different words, and I think he will get it. I don't think he will be reading any time soon, nor will I try to make him, I just think he would really enjoy it. I learned how to read with the Spalding phonics program and I am excited to share with him the phonics cards I grew up with and actually enjoyed. So, we will see how it goes.

I know, I know...

...I am a broken record. I don't know why I feel so strongly about family, and especially women's role in it, but I do, so it is on my mind a lot. As I was trying to decide if I should keep writing about the same subjet over and over, I thought about a quote that was in last month's visiting teaching message by Julie B. Beck, "As a disciple of Jesus Christ, every woman in this Church is given the responsibility for upholding, nurturing, and protecting families... And as a covenant-keeping Latter-day Saint woman, you know that raising your voice in defense of the doctrine of the family is critical to the strength of families the world over." It is our duty to defend families, especially now. So, here we go again.

Dr. Laura has a new book coming out, so she has been interviewed many times on the news shows I like to watch. Now I am not a 100% fan of her's, but I do agree with a lot of what she says, and more importantly, completely respect her defense of the family in our society today. Anyway, her new book is called In Praise of Stay-at-home Moms. She explained that one of the biggest reasons she wanted to write this book is because the world, especially women, view stay-at-home moms so negatively - as lazy, unintelligent, unimportant, unambitious, etc. But the most fulfilling thing we can do as women is have children, nurture them, and raise them. So, she wanted to recognize women who do that. Now I know that there are some women who do not have a choice as to whether or not they have to work. I am no judge. I do know, however, that in our world, the vast majority of women are chosing to work.

I think there are a couple things at work here. I think one major factor is that our world is very materialistic. Instead of a person's worth being measured by who they are - their character, values, etc - they are measured by what positions they hold and how much money and how many things they have. Therefore, to live up to this view from the world, a woman needs to work to afford the life that is deemed "successful." Dr. Laura talked a bit about this too, that being a stay-at-home mom requires sacrifice, no matter what your situation because you are giving up two incomes for one. But it is all in your attitude. Instead of eating out, having a picnic somewhere is just as worthwhile, and well within the budget of a one-income family, for example.

Another force I see behind this trend is the value of women in society. I read a talk by Sheri Dew years ago that I loved so much I typed up segments of it and taped it in my scriptures so I would have easy access to it. One thing she stated in it was, "Satan, of course, knows how spiritually potent the knowledge of our divine identity is. He hates us because of the influence we have on husbands and children, family and friends, the Church and even the world. It is no secret to him that we are the Lord's secret weapon...He wants us to believe that there is no status in being a mother. That is a lie, an evil lie. He wants us to believe that the influence of women is inherently inferior. And that is a lie." And what success has been had on that front. Our world has said that for a woman to mean anything, she has to be like a man, live like a man, work like a man. In contrast, we are taught to, "find nobility in motherhood and joy in womanhood" (Relief Society theme). We are women for a reason. We need to embrace our inherencies, our strengths, our abilities as women, and find joy in them. And we need to remind the world that women, living as women, are important and valuable to society, integral in fact.

I am so proud to be a woman. I know I have said it before, but it wasn't always so and I regret that. But I understand now the priviledge that is ours as women. I can honestly say that I have had NO greater joy in life than I have had in motherhood. And I think that is our blessing as women, to experience that joy and be the center of our families and homes. And I want the world to know it. I am a stay-at-home mom and that makes me a very imortant person. I am raising my children who will influence the world.

Strength

Maybe I am a broken record. I don't know. I just feel such a need to focus on the importance of women - strong, faithful women. I think too many times we feel unimportant, imperfect, and not useful enough. I know I do. So maybe my focus is really a self-indulgent way to strengthen myself. But I feel compelled by it. We NEED to know how important we are. We need to be good. We need to be strong. And most importantly, we need to be actively engaged in good things - raising our families, giving service, being righteous. We need to know of our importance and live it. We need to view ourselves in terms of our potential and the good we do, and not by our weaknesses and shortcomings. In doing so, I think we will be more motivated, willing, and able to do be active in making the world better. In that light, here is a quote I heard the other day and loved:

"Dear sisters, our beloved associates in this work, in “such a time as this” may I plead with you never to underestimate or undervalue your divine role both as personal, powerful contributors to the kingdom of God and as the nurturers and benefactors of His “little ones,” who will yet have such a divine impact on the unfolding of this work. I fear that virtually nothing—or at least not much—that the world says to you acknowledges your divine role as women. I am reminded that throughout the creation sequence of Genesis God viewed His work, including the creation of man, and called it “good.” But for the one and only time in that creation story He then said something was “not good.” He said it was not good that man should be alone. In short the Creation, even with Adam, was incomplete. Here I invoke President Gordon B. Hinckley’s language: “As His final creation, the crowning of His glorious work, He created woman. I like to regard Eve as His masterpiece after all that had gone before, the final [great] work before He rested from His labors.” I join my testimony to President Hinckley’s in that assessment. Surely it must have been at this point, with so much that was “good” having been done and having remedied the one thing that was “not good,” He could say after Eve’s arrival it was all “very good.” In this great eternal work women have carried the torch of faith and family from the beginning. The need for that torch to burn brightly and dispel the darkness has never been greater than “in this time.” Little wonder that the Prophet Joseph said, “If you live up to your privileges, the angels cannot be restrained from being your associates.” The scriptures speak of women being “elect.” What a powerful doctrinal and covenantal term! And who “elects” you? You do!—and so does God Himself, who has all the joy and delight of a father in you as His daughter, you who pass on light and hope, pass on life itself and a glorious gospel legacy until the work is finished." - Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

An alter-ego

Do you have alter-egos? You know, someone or something deep inside of you that wants to be somewhere or someone different. Not that you would choose that over what you have, but you let them come out every once in a while in a daydream?

Here is mine:

I am in Paris, slowing walking down the streets, taking in the sight and sounds with a camera in my hand and perfect French at my disposal.

Here is my trigger:



I have this large picture of Paris in my bedroom and when I have an idle moment, I find myself on one of the bridges looking out over the Seine. And my journey begins.

But I would never trade that for spending the day with my boys. It is just something to daydream about.

Hope

"Hope is a gift of the Spirit. It is a hope that through the Atonement of Jesus Christ and the power or His Resurrection, we shall be raised unto life eternal and this because of our faith in the Savior. This kind of hope is both a principle of promise as well as a commandment, and, as with all commandments, we have the responsibility to make it an active part of our lives and overcome the temptation to lose hope... Hope is not knowledge, but rather the abiding trust that the Lord will fulfill His promise to us. It is confidence that if we live according to God's laws and the words of His prophets now, we will receive desired blessings in the future. It is believing and expecting that our prayers will be answered. It is manifest in confidence, optimism, enthusiasm, and patient perseverence." - President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

I have been reading conference talks and I read this one today. I actually read it right before I watched the political shows I like to watch. It was a great prelude because President Uchtdorf's words put everything back into the right perspective. Despite all that is going on in our world, we can still have hope - hope in Christ, His promises, and the blessings waiting for us. Above all, because of Christ and His gospel, we can always find peace, happiness, and hope because we know that there is so much more than the troubles of this world. I feel so truly peaceful when I read over this quote because I know that the most important thing I can do right now is actively maintain my hope in Christ, and that everything will be okay. And that makes me very happy.

The itch...

I know I can't claim Maine as home, having only lived there for four years, but it has always stayed with me and I often find myself thinking about it, daydreaming about being there. My parents bought a book about Maine while we were there, and I always remember the quotes inside that spoke about carrying Maine with you even when you leave and longing to return. That is me. I love everything about Maine.

So, as I said, I think about Maine often. Eventually, that thinking leads to a full-on itch - a definite need to get back. That's where I am at. I have the itch. It has been five years since I was there last, and I cannot wait to get back. I am so excited to show Mike my favorite places; to watch my boys run on the beach; to find a farm and pick some strawberries; and to feel that happy, simple lifestyle that is Maine. So, we'll see how long I can hold out. If any of you are lucky enough to take a great vacation this summer, might I recommend Maine? One warning though - once you go, you'll have get back. You won't forget it, I promise you that.

Ah, yes

"In righteousness there is great simplicity. In every case that confronts us in life there is either a right way or a wrong way to proceed. If we choose the right way, we are sustained in our actions by the principles of righteousness, in the which there is power from the heavens." - Elder William R. Bradford, Nov. 1999 Ensign, quoted by Elder L. Tom Perry, Nov. 2008 Ensign

I love this quote (not a surprise for those who know me...). Maybe it is because I see things, important doctrinal things, as very black and white. But, in making many decisions I think it is a great blessing to know that there is a right and wrong and we just need to align ourselves with the right. And, I think it is an even bigger blessing to know what the right is - to have prophets, apostles, scriptures and personal prayer as guides in doing so.

A happy medium...

So, I have been getting into politics more and more. What I mean, I guess, is that I have been watching the news, political programs, and the like a whole lot. I really feel passionately about what I believe politically, and I feel like my ideas have become better defined. The downfall is that, because I do feel so strongly about it all, it tends to all get more negative than I want it to.

As I was watching one of my favorite political shows, Glenn Beck, I flipped to the history channel to see what was on. There was a show on about the Book of Revelation and what I felt was completely different. What I feel even more passionately about is my spiritual beliefs. There is nothing stronger for me, especially because it encompasses my family. I wondered if I should just focus on the spiritual.

But then I realized that that is not what we are supposed to do. We are to be involved in our communities, governments, and societies. The trick is figuring out how to do it in a non-combative, effective, positive way. So that is what I need to do, find the happy medium between standing up for something I strongly believe in, but doing it calmly. Any suggestions?

A Loving God

"May I declare to you and all others who will hear me that one of the tragedies of our day is that the true God is not known. Tragically, contemporary Christianity has inherited the view of a capricious, imperious, and especially angry God whose primary duty is to frighten little children and add suffering to the lives of already staggering adults. May I unequivocally and unilaterally cry out against that sacrilegious and demeaning view of a loving and compassionate Father in Heaven. I wonder if the Savior may not have known, even in His mortal years, that this would happen, thus His plea for the world to know the true God, the fatherly God, the forgiving and redeeming and benevolent God. To bring that understanding was one of the reasons Christ came to the earth.

"So feeding the hungry, healing the sick, rebuking cruelty, pleading for faith—and hope and charity—this was Christ showing us the way of the Father, He who is “merciful and gracious, slow to anger, long-suffering and full of goodness.” In His life and especially in His death, Christ was declaring, “This is God’s compassion I am showing you, as well as my own.” It is the perfect Son’s manifestation of the perfect Father’s care. In Their mutual suffering and shared sorrow for the sins and heartaches of the rest of us, we see ultimate meaning in the declaration: “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved” (John 3:16–17).

"I bear personal witness this day of a living, loving God, who knows our names, hears and answers prayers, and cherishes us eternally as His children. I testify that there is no spiteful or malicious motive in Him. I testify that all He does (He who never sleeps nor slumbers) is to seek for ways to bless us, to help us, and to save us. I pray that you will believe that and embrace it. I pray that you will strive to see the wonder and majesty of heaven’s concern and compassion for us."

-Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, BYU Women's Conference, 2007

A big pat on the back to you women

Have you ever noticed how acceptable all the follies and foibles of being a man is, but how unacceptable a woman's are. You know, "boys will be boys" followed by a wink and a pat on the back. Or what about, "That's a man" followed by another pat on the back. Why do they always do that anyway? I remember sitting in a fireside for Relief Society in one of my singles wards at BYU talking about this very thing. The speaker, who was a marriage and family counselor, was telling us that men just don't like to talk, so we shouldn't expect much when we got married. Why couldn't he, instead, tell the men that women need to talk and so they should start working on their communication skills? Instead, the world pushes women to become like men. To lay aside their natural ability to be emotional - in a good way, to sympathize, nurture, love. Anyway, my point is that I love being a woman, follies, foibles and all. I know I have written about this before, but I do. We get to be mothers. We nurture, guide and mold our children, and in return become the center or their sweet worlds. I would take that over any high power, high paying job. We get to experience the joy of creating a happy home, a good meal, or a beautiful project. We can multitask!
I firmly believe that men and women were created differently so that we could complement each other in our lives and our families. I am glad that men have the responsibilities and strengths they do because we need them. I think it is important, on the flip side, that the world recognize the power and importance women hold in their responsibilites and strengths too, because it is immense. This is not a "I am woman hear me roar" post, but an "I am woman, watch me live" post. I hope the world learns to find joy in womanhood, to appreciate women for all they do...as women.

All giddy inside.

It is a good thing I have boys. I have learned that there are a couple things that make me all giddy inside that, in general, boys appreciate more than girls.

1. I love hot wheels. I can't get enough of them. Mike keeps joking that I am obsessed, but I think it might be true. I can't pass a display of them and not stop to look at each one. I blame my dad - he has always been into cars, and I guess it rubbed off...

2. I get all giddy inside when I see airplanes flying up close. Seriously, giddy. We live pretty close to the airport here, so most places we go, we see them. My boys love them too. So, we drove out to the airport today to watch them land. It was quite the sight - a row full of middle aged men and then me in my minivan. It was great though. We sat there, snacking on crackers, watching the planes land every five minutes. We are going to do this often.

Oh Saturday...

Observations from today:

1 - I adore playing music in a group. Rehearsal is so great and it always ends too soon. The conductor keeps thanking us for the sacrifice of our time to be there but I always want to stand up and thank her for letting me enjoy something I love again and thereby reclaim a little bit of me.
2 - I must eat lunch. I cannot skip a meal...I'm wondering if I have low blood sugar. I got such a bad headache because I decided to stay out after rehearsal and therefore didn't eat. It is tragic, but I guess I can make the sacrifice of eating a little more... When I took the glucose test when I was pregnant with Evan, they thought I was fasting because my blood sugar was so low. They told me to eat a lot of ice cream. It was the best advice from a doctor's office I had ever received.
3 - I always think at the end of day I wished I had been more patient with the boys. Well, I realized that I can do that today...because I was gone most of the day. That certainly makes it easier to be patient. However, as I was driving to rehearsal this morning, I was already missing them. Pathetic? Perhaps. As Mike says, I couldn't handle not being the stay-at-home parent.
4 - I am really close to having Evan weaned. He is fine when I am not around, so the tricky time is going to be nap time when I am here. But, he is done with his bed time feeding. Woohoo! I think he knows that something is going on, that I am trying to take it away from him. Several times during the day now he comes up to me screaming and pulling on my shirt. He is going through withdrawl...

Quote

"Why did [early pioneer women] do this? They did it because the fire of their faith burned in their souls. These remarkable women were not seeking fine clothing, greater leisure, large earthly mansions, or more possessions. Like you, they had a conviction and a testimony that the restored gospel of Jesus Christ was true and that the Lord needed them to do their part in establishing His kingdom on the earth. Their pursuit of personal righteousness was a daily effort to become more like the Savior through repentance, scripture study, prayer, obedience to commandments, and through seeking after everything ‘virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy.’” – Julie B. Beck, November 2008 Ensign

Observations

I did a lot today. My body aches in agreement. But it is a happy feeling, to know that I have accomplished much. And along my day I made a few observations:

1 - Joanns is great for me, not so great for the boys. And, a spool of thread makes for a mighty fine chew toy apparently.
2 - I wish wish wish I could sew. Someday I will learn but for now I'm glad my mom is willing to accept my fabric and project ideas. Oh, so many things I want to make...
3 - There is something very satisfying about pulling weed and root out of the ground. Squatting for an hour while doing that, not so satisfying.
4 - On days when Mike is gone until after the boys go to bed, it is not a good idea to pull weeds while they nap...I'm tired!
5 - The time between dinner and bath goes a lot faster when it is still light outside.
6 - My two year-old is incapable of listening.
7 - I read advice that you should do as many of your household chores while your kids are awake so that you can have you time when they are asleep. I have to say that that is some of the best advice I have seen. I love having the dishes done right after dinner instead of coming down after putting the boys to bed to a messy kitchen.
8 - Evan can eat...a lot. And, he has enough teeth to do so. I realized today that he isn't a baby that gums all his food. I can give him bigger pieces of food and food that requires teeth...my baby is not so much a baby any more!
9 - I need another leash, for Evan. He kept running away from me today. He used to stay right by me because he was attached to me emotionally and therefore physically. I guess he's getting braver. But with two little boys in a store, measures must be taken...
10 - I love being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Okay, I already knew that, but I read this on lds.org today in a press release and it just made me feel all happy:

Latter-day Saints should conduct themselves with dignity and thoughtfulness. Not only is this the model that Jesus Christ taught and demonstrated in his own life, but it also reflects the reality of the strength and maturity of Church members today. As someone recently said, “This isn’t 1830, and there aren’t just six of us anymore.” In other words, with a global membership of thirteen and a half million there is no need to feel defensive when the Church is moving forward so rapidly. The Church’s strength is in its faithful members in 170-plus countries, and there is no evidence that extreme misrepresentations in the media that appeal only to a narrow audience have any long-term negative effect on the Church... If the Church allowed critics and opponents to choose the ground on which its battles are fought, it would risk being distracted from the focus and mission it has pursued successfully for nearly 180 years. Instead, the Church itself will determine its own course as it continues to preach the restored gospel of Jesus Christ throughout the world.

That's it! I am off to put my boys to bed and rest my body!

And I quote...

I don't know if it is my history in debate or just something inherent in me, but I love quotes. Love them, love them, love them. So I thought that on the nights that I don't really have much to say or time to sit down and do a full post I will just post a quote I came across and liked. So, here we go.

“Virtue is a word we don’t hear often in today’s society, but the Latin root word virtus means strength. Virtuous women and men possess a quiet dignity and inner strength. They are confident because they are worthy to receive and be guided by the Holy Ghost. President Monson has counseled: 'You be the one to make a stand for right, even if you stand alone. Have the moral courage to be a light for others to follow. There is no friendship more valuable than your own clear conscience, your own moral cleanliness - and what a glorious feeling it is to know that you stand in your appointed place clean and with the confidence that you are worthy to do so.’” – Elaine S. Dalton, November 2008 Ensign

The time has come...

I love breastfeeding. I love the time it gives me to bond with my baby. I love knowing that I am giving my baby what he needs. I love providing for him. That isn't to say that I have loved everything about it...especially the first few weeks. But I have truly loved nursing Evan.
I weaned Jordan fully when he was 13 months old and I now find Evan at that same age. He, however, isn't too interested in weaning those last two feedings, before nap and bed time. And because I really don't mind nursing I have let it go for now. But, last night I realized the time has come to wean him. He said "thanks" after he nursed.

The importance of being full...

One of the best times of the day in our house is right after dinner. The boys, especially Evan, are so much happier when they have had a lot to eat. In fact, if I fed them more during the day maybe they would be less demanding. Oh, they already eat all day as it is! They are just really active I suppose.

But I was thinking as I watched them eat dinner how happy it makes me to see them eat and enjoy a meal I make for them. It is so satisfying to know that I am meeting that need for them... and that they like it.

As an addendum to my post about finding out how to make my days easier, I have recently discovered that eating enough food myself is also very important. I'm eating, don't worry, but I think that I need to eat more throughout the day to keep up with their energy!

Rising to the occasion

You know how I said I was easing myself back into politics? Well I have been watching, reading and thinking a lot about it lately. I am so proud to be a conservative. Here are a few thoughts I have had.
I was watching a speech Rush Limbaugh gave to the Conservative Political Action Committee and he was talking about the fundamental beliefs of conservatives and how they differ from liberals. (I'm not meaning for this to be a contentious post, so bear with me...) One thing he talked about was how instead of tearing down those at the top to make things more equitable, we should bring up those on the bottom. (I have A LOT of thoughts about this, but I'll save them unless anyone wants to know...) One thing I love about conservative beliefs is that I think they are fundamentally true and therefore translate to other aspects of life.
While the boys nap, if they actually nap, I watch Glenn Beck. I really like his ideas and agree with most of his viewpoints. One day on his show he talked about the youth and it relates very well to this idea. First he talked about a survey that was conducted showing that a majority of college freshmen believe they should receive a B in their classes just for showing up. They went on to talk about how awards are given to every one for something now so that the kids don't have to have the feeling of seeing someone else get praised and when they are not themselves. I was thinking about how this distroys a child's motivation to discipline themselves and learn to succeed. Basically, they don't need to because they will be praised either way. I am not saying that we should be hard on our kids. We, of course, should praise them as they try to succeed, whether or not they do and encourage them to keep trying so they will. But taking away the reward for succeeding and making it the same for those who don't will only bring people down instead of lifting others up to succeed.
I think this even applies to spiritual matters. We know that we should try to lift those around us.
I really hope that we as a country, a community and family can try to lift those around us, encourage everyone to do their best and succeed at what they can instead of punishing and discouraging those who do.

Hitting my stride...

So, I am kind of ashamed to admit it, but I think I finally hit my stride with this whole stay-at-home mom thing. It only took me two and a half years, but I have arrived...I think. I realized some things this past week that have helped me eliminate a lot of the stress I have felt, leaving me to enjoy my boys. We had a great week last week.

Here is what I learned.

1. The big kahuna idea that freed me the most from my stress (and unfortunately something Mike has been telling me all along, so a lot of told-you-so moments coming on here...) - it is okay for the boys to fuss. That's it. Evan screams a lot, like a whole lot. And whenever I try to do anything they fuss, cry, ask for everything under the sun, etc. I felt like I needed to always be tending to them to be a good mom because I could make them feel better. Well, I started practicing for the orchestra I'm going to be doing because I really need to. So, I have had to ignore both of them so that I can. (I'm not talking about ignoring basic needs and injuries or leaving them to be reckless. I'm talking about them playing happily with toys so I pull out my flute, leading them to get mad that I am doing something that isn't somehow related to them.) In fact, the other day Jordan climbed up on me and pushed my flute away and told me to leave it alone. But, I have to practice. And eventually they give up or I just deal with it until I am done. And they are okay. So, I tried this with dishes, laundry, phone calls, reading. Pretty great. I got so much more done this week, leading me to feel better about what I had done and how I felt in my home.

2. It is what it is. I used to get frustrated a lot that I was putting the boys to bed by myself again, or that I needed to get some errands done but the boys were being so incredibly difficult, or Mike was running late again, or the boys were screaming in the tub AGAIN, etc. It all sounds so silly, but when it consumes your whole day, all your energy, all your sanity it seems more devastating. But it doesn't bother me now. It is what it is. And I can do it. And it is okay. I feel so much more relaxed now. And I think that is really influencing the boys. We had a good week last week.

3. Everything doesn't have to be done fast. I have always done things fast. I don't know why, but I just like to do something and be done. But kids aren't like that. So I would get frustrated that it would take Jordan 15-20 minutes to eat a piece of cheese. But now I realize that there really is no rush on most things in life. And I love it. We just took our time enjoying things and we had a great week.

4. Realize that I do a lot. I look around me often and feel like other moms are so much more together than I am, do so much more with their kids, and are just plain better at it all. But I decided to step back and look at what I do. I started taking Jordan to the library for story time, we go to the children's museum, I arrange play group every week, I spend my whole day (except the little bit I spend on other things mentioned in number 1!) playing, singing, dancing, making silly faces, talking, drawing, and reading with the boys. I make dinner every night...okay, most nights. I make sure the boys have everything they need and a lot of what they want, and I bargain shop constantly so we can have said things. Now, I know I could do better, and I am trying, but I needed to give myself some credit for what I do. And it actually took stress away because I stopped thinking that I needed to do more. And we had a great week doing all those things.

So, I am really excited for tomorrow. I am going to play with my boys, run an errand, play my flute, clean up and have a good time enjoying my family and home. And, I will keep my shoulders relaxed and enjoy a knot-free back! Monday, here I come!

Venturing out

A few years ago when I began scrapbooking, I picked up an embellisment with a quote on it that I really liked. I didn't know how or when I would ever use it, but I just wanted to have it. Last night as I reviewed my day, this quote popped into my head. It summed it up perfectly:

"The only way of discovering the limits of the possible is to venture a little way past them into the impossible." - Arthur C. Clarke

Here is how it went. Mike had to leave a little before six in the morning to help with the boy scout/young men fundraiser. This meant I was up early taking care of the boys. Now, I have an amazing husband that gets up every morning with the boys so I can sleep a little longer...I am not a morning person though I wish I were. But, I did it, and I didn't even get my day-long I-got-up-too-early headeache.
Then Mike came home and we all got ready for the day. He headed out again to observe/train to do assessments in Spanish. My plan for the day was the Presidents Day Sale at RC Willey. We need a mattress for Evan and since we are getting our tax refund and Evan hates his crib, I thought this was the perfect chance. It was the normal outing with the boys - me doing my thing interupted every few seconds to give the boys fruit snacks, crackers, make one of them stop hitting the other, carry Evan when he was screaming, etc. They were actually doing well and I found a great deal on a great mattress. So I got to the line to pay. When I noticed that I couldn't even begin to see the cashiers, I got worried. I honestly thought, "there is no way I can stand in this line with these boys for that long...really, I can't." But I did it. After a little over an hour of waiting in line, we made it out. I was completely exhausted from keeping the boys happy, in one place and out of trouble. (as an aside, don't take a toy that comes apart in a way that your kids can't put back together on their own if you are going to be somewhere for a long time...)
Then Mike got home late so I improvised for dinner (he was going to grill steaks but ran out of time) and then he was out again to take down the flags he had put up earlier for the fundraiser. And though every muscle in my body was screaming for collapse, I did it.

I kind of feel like my days are more ways for me to realize what I can do. Being a stay-at-home mom is hard...really hard sometimes. Much more so than I thought it would be. I know that some of that is the personalities my kids were blessed with. I wouldn't change them, but they require a lot to keep up with them physically and emotionally. But I do it...every day. Even those days when Mike doesn't come home until after the boys are in bed. Sometimes I start those days thinking that there is no way I can do it, but I do. I am not always as graceful as I would like, but I do it. I have to. My body aches at the end of each day, but it is stronger than ever. When pushed further than usual, it can do it.

I also thought of all the other ways that this applies to our lives. What about spiritually. When we think that we may never be able to get over something, become something, forgive something, we can. A lot of that comes with help from our Heavenly Father who gives us of His strength to make us capable to do the seemingly impossible.

I am so excited right now as well because I get to be a part of the orchestra for a production being put on by a stake in Henderson - Savior of the World. I am so nervous though that I will not be able to perform. Once again I am going to step out past what I think is possible and see what happens. I really hope that I will able to do it. Maybe if I rely on some added strength, confindence and courage, I will be able to do more than I would be able to on my own.

Pathetic?

It is almost 11:00 at night and we are headed to bed. Today was a long day of taking care of the boys' whining, screaming, demanding and I was so ready for their bedtime. Now, I really want to get them up to play. Am I pathetic?

Maybe it will wear out...

I know that we talk a lot, as women, about how we wear many hats. Mine include mom (of course), wife, cook, maid, sanitation worker (and how!), shopper, accountant, safety inspector, historian, and others. I know that this list is only going to grow as my boys get older. But there is one other hat that I seem to be wearing a lot more these days - referee. My boys are starting to fight more and more. Well, they only fight about one thing - who gets what. Jordan is playing with cars, Evan wants those cars. Evan has a snack, Jordan wants that snack. One has the ride-on bus so the other wants it (even though there is another ride-on toy right next to them!) I'm holding one, so the other needs to be held. Then the pushing starts and Evan, who has become quite the screamer, screams and then my little mimicker Jordan starts to scream because Evan is screaming, and soon we have full on chaos...many, many times a day. It is times like these that bring to my mind the conference talk by Elder Ballard that reminded young mothers that joy in motherhood comes in moments. Not these ones though...

So, I try my best to separate them, make them share, practice taking turns, and the like. Sometimes I decide they need to learn to work it out for themselves, which becomes a game of chicken to see who will cave first - will they stop first or will I just intervene to stop the screaming. In the end, I try to remember that they are two little boys who are excited about life and want to experience what the other is doing too. But, I hope that, like a real hat, the more I wear it the sooner it will wear out. Maybe they will learn how to solve these problems from me showing them so many times. Or maybe I will just have to throw it out when it wears out and they will figure it out on their own. I don't know. But for now, I will keep putting it on with all the others when needed.

All the better to see you with.

I wear glasses. Have ever since seventh grade. The timing has never worked out for me to get contacts and now they are way too expensive. But that's okay. I don't mind. In fact, I'm pretty sure the rest of the world cares a whole lot more than I do.

Okay, here's what I mean. I have noticed throughout the years that glasses aren't popular. In fact, they are way more often than not equated with geeky, nerdy, unpopular, awkward people. If you ever see a movie where a girl is transformed through a make-over, glasses will inevitably be taken off. The other day I was watching a show that I enjoy, What Not to Wear. They were doing a woman's makeup and gave her contacts while inferring that she couldn't really be pretty with glasses on. I couldn't believe it. Here is yet another message to girls and women alike that they aren't good enough. If you have glasses, you will not be pretty. Then I saw another such show that told the woman that she looked older with glasses and they took them away. And, when I was in college, I actually had a boyfriend tell me that if we got married I couldn't wear my glasses that day. Really?

Fortunately I married a man who thinks I look good with or without glasses and doesn't care, and who let me where them on our wedding day, even for the pictures!

This is who I am, I wear glasses. And it is okay.



Someday when I am rich and famous, I will make a movie. In this movie the heroine will be beautiful, funny, talented, intelligent, loved by all, and she will wear glasses...the whole time!

Another one of those...

I got tagged to write 25 things about myself on Facebook. So, I'm using it here too. Here we go...

1. I love finding bargains. I can’t stop. Really, I can’t. I don’t buy any clothes for the boys that cost more than $3 new.
2. Related to above, I am trying to start up an online store to sell the bargain clothes I find for kids…be watching for it soon!
3. I took violin lessons in first grade. But, the lunch lady taught them and she scared me. So when my mom dropped me off, I stayed outside. The lessons didn’t last too long. (That’s okay, I always wanted to play the flute anyway!)
4. I am auditioning for a production tomorrow. I don’t know if I will make it, but I am going to try because I love playing my flute and miss it a lot.
5. I was the president of BYU College Republicans when I was at school and lived politics. I’m easing back into it now after a break for my own sanity.
6. I have had both my kids c-section. Jordan was an emergency c-section and when I was pregnant with Evan they said, “once a c-section, always a c-section.” On the plus side, I don’t change dirty diapers for the first two weeks!7. I live in Maine for four years when I was a teenager and still long to get back. If we have money some day (you know, after the house, and student loans, and missions, and everything else) to buy a vacation house, it will be in Maine (yes, in Cape Elizabeth!) If not, I will settle for frequent stays in hotels.
8. I have a possibly unhealthy love of chocolate chip and peanut butter chip Quaker granola bars. I have at least one a day.
9. I love France and anything French. I used to daydream about being there. I still can’t wait for an extended visit. I got to go for a day to Paris when I was in Brussels for a business trip. So, one day we’ll go.
10. I hate cleaning floors…with a passion. Fortunately Mike doesn’t mind doing them.
11. I love cooking in my crock pot. Ten minutes in the morning and dinner is done!
12. Mike thought it would be funny to teach Jordan that he is a boy, Mike is a boy, Evan is a boy and Mama is a monkey. So now if you ask Jordan what Mama is, he will tell you I am a monkey.
13. I have a hard time resisting tv shows that have to do with super powers. Can’t resist. That is why I had to watch Smallville last night even though I didn’t care about it.
14. I like…brace yourself…Celine Dion. I actually listen to her in French. I had a friend that introduced me to it and I have liked her ever since.
15. I did debate in high school. My greatest triumph was when we beat a nationally ranked team and they gave us their third place trophy after because they were so mad.
16. I like to talk. A lot.
17. I am really stubborn about some things. One of the biggest is resisting things that are popular. That is why I just read the Work and the Glory books a couple years ago and I am always a little behind on fads.
18. I love watching people dance. Stink at it myself though.
19. I hope to move back to Utah soon. My husband’s family is there and my parents moved there last year! I still get giddy inside when I think about my parents living in Utah. I love it there.
20. I really hope I have a girl someday. I would be happy with even just one. I need a daughter to be girly with. I do love my boys though!
21. I can’t make decisions these days. I think that the boys suck out so much of my resources these days that the first region to go was the one that makes simple decisions. Anyway, that’s what Mike is for!
22. I honestly can predict about 90% of the time what is going to happen in a movie, tv show or book.
23. I can listen to two conversations at the same time.
24. I talk to my mom multiple times a day. Yeah, we’re close.
25. I want to write a book some day and I already know what it is about and how I want to organize it. Now, I just have to work on the writing ability part…

My child, the person

I've been thinking a lot about our society lately. More specifically, I've been thinking about the worth of people in it. It seems to me that a person's worth is very conditional, subjective, and performance based.

Example. I'm sure you all have heard about the football coach being charged with one of his player's death. The young man died from the heat, after being taken to the hospital with a temperature of 107 degrees. Apparently the coach denied him water and pushed him to keep practicing until he collapsed, along with another player who survived. In watching various news networks coverage and discussion about this incident I heard a few of the following:

• Players should be pushed. How was the coach to know that the kid wasn't just being weak and not wanting to practice?! He did nothing wrong.
• Athletes are liked fine-tuned machines that you have to keep maintainenced and lubed. You have to make sure atheletes have what they need to perform their best.

And Mike heard on sports radio the hosts discussing how lazy and weak kids are these days because they used to always be running around outside with no problems.

I have to say that if I trusted my child to the care of a coach or anyone, I would hope that they saw him as a person, not just as an athlete who should be pushed until breaking so that they can make their team look good or not as a machine to be tuned. I'm not saying that we should do everything for our kids or give them everything they want, but I think we can fairly say that this is a time when maybe a person's worth could be more than what it was, worth a drink and a break.

In more and more of what I see of business, sports, and the like, the world tends to base one's worth on what is accomplished, scored, performed, or earned instead of viewing their inherent worth just by existing. Maybe if more of the world was viewed that way, there would be a little more charity - helping when needed, giving the benefit of the doubt, forgiving, thinking the best of one another, being kind, understanding - and therefore more happiness and less stress. I really hope I can remember to look at people that way, especially my children.

Canning

So, this whole thought process I am about to write about started as this: they are gathering canning orders in our ward. As part of this, they need a few people to go help put the order together if they can. Unfortunately it is on a weekday and because I have my little boys, I can't go (I can still order though...)
I've thought a lot about how there are a lot of those good things in life that we should try to do. Meals to make, rides to give, canning to do, and the like. I would love to work in the temple, even just in the laundry or cafeteria or something. When each request for compassionate service is announced, there is another.
I used to feel like I should be able to do all these things, two toddlers and all. In fact, I thought there was something wrong with me because I felt like I couldn't. But I can't. That's all there is to it. My boys are demanding and busy. I have no family in town to lean on for help and Mike is gone day and night a lot of the time. I can try to do some, but I can't do it all, or even a lot of it. That's just how it is. At least for now.
I know that I have already blogged about similar feelings before, but I really feel strongly about this now. There is a season for all things. As I thought about canning, I knew that some day I will go, when my kids are all at school for the day. I will sign up for all meals I can afford to bring to people and any other opportunity I get that I can do. But not now.
When we lived in Oregon, soon after Jordan was born, I was beginning to have these feelings of failure for not jumping at everything any more. Then we had a stake conference meeting broadcast from Salt Lake City. One of the Relief Society Presidency members (it might have even been Sister Parkin, president at the time) spoke to us about doing the will of Heavenly Father. She said that we should always be living our life in doing His will and what He would have us do. She mentioned service and good works and all those other good things we have to do. But she then mentioned that raising our children is also how we spend our time doing His will. We should, of course, try to help others any chance we get, magnify our callings and such, but that our focus as mothers, particularly of young children, was to teach, guide, and raise them. I felt such a burden lifted from my shoulders.
So, I keep trying to remind myself that the fact that my children take all my time, energy, resources, sanity, and patience, is okay. That is what I should be doing. And when they are a little older, I will go help at the cannery.

I have a family here on Earth

Just as a warning before I begin, this may be another one of those cheesy posts, but I am going to do it anyway!

I have two thoughts running through my mind right now. The first is about our lesson in Relief Society today. We discussed the return of Elijah to bestow the sealing keys to Joseph Smith and what that means to us. I know that this is a very common topic in our church to discuss, but it hit me how wonderful that knowledge is. When I married Mike in the temple, I married him for here on Earth (time) and forever after (and all eternity), which in turn sealed our beautiful boys to us forever. What an extraordinary knowledge.

As we sang the closing song, "Families Can Be Together Forever," I noticed the chorister was crying, and I am pretty sure I heard more sniffles around the room. I thought about how, more than probably any other topic (other than the atonement of Jesus Christ), I see more people get emotional when talking about families. I think it is because one of the main purposes of our lives here is to form eternal families. We are created for this and so it is inherent in us to find joy in the thought of living with those we love forever, even after they have passed away. I remember distinctly, soon after Jordan was born, understanding so much clearer why we would refer to the Plan of Salvation as the Plan of Happiness - I felt so much joy knowing that that little baby was mine forever.

The next idea I have been thinking about a lot lately is creating a home. As I listened to the lesson today, I thought about how this ties in perfectly - we need to create a place where our families will be safe from the world and the influences therein.

I remember soon before I got married being completely excited when I realized that I could make my home whatever I wanted it to be. I had been living with roommates for about seven years before that, and though I didn't have problems with most of them, I still had to compromise on our living space. But in my family I could make it whatever I wanted. I could choose what came in and what influences would surround my family while they were at home (at least for the most part). If we didn't want certain tv shows, games, music, language, etc in our home, then we could make it that way. Wow! I was so excited. Mike and I thoroughly discussed many of these ideas before we got married because I wanted to make sure we were on the same page, that's how important it was to me. Now, I know that I still have the tv on more than I want to, get frustrated more than I care, and other imperfections, but I love that I can try to make a place for my family, to protect them, to teach them the gospel and how to recognize the Holy Ghost, to help them stay worthy, and to try to make them happy to be part of our eternal family.

Beautiful Sight

I just have to write about my family's beautiful eyes. I can't get over them. They all have such *pretty* blue eyes (I know I'm not supposed to use pretty for boys, but hey, I call it like I see it!) Tonight I was playing around with my camera trying to learn what everything does. When I tried the close-up mode, I was struck again with how much I love those eyes. So, I took some pictures. I am no professional, so I know someone else could have done them more justice, but here they are.

Evan:



Jordan:



And they get it from:



One of the first things I noticed about Mike were his eyes. I hoped our boys would get his eyes. So here is a big thank you to genetics!

The influence of parents

My mom and me a couple days before my wedding.

When I was thinking about the influence others have in our lives, I thought about the immense influence my parents have had on me. This weekend my mom came to Las Vegas to celebrate Evan's birthday with us, and I had such a great time with her. She is honestly my best friend. I have learned so much from her and my dad. The more I meet people, the longer I parent, the older I get, the more I realize what good examples they were and are for me. So indulge me, please, as I share some important things I learned through my parents' examples, even if I am still trying to live up to them.

My parents are incredibly non-judgemental. I remember many times sharing with my dad my frustration with something someone had done. He would always say something like, "maybe they were having a bad day." And I grew up knowing that everyone is just as important as another - no matter what their color, profession, background, personality or anything. Now when I interact with others, I try not to judge them before I know them and give them the benefit of the doubt when I do. (Again, still working on this!) And when my mother offers her advice when I need it, I know that she is not judging me, but trying to help. I know that anyone could go to her for advice and feel comfortable knowing that she would try to help them without changing her opinion of them or judging them. I hope I can be like that some day.

Another thing I admire about my parents is that they are very forgiving. In fact, I remember many times wishing my dad would stay upset with me because I felt bad about something I had done. It would take a whole lot for him to hold a grudge. And my mother has forgiven and forgotten a lot in her life. I know that I have been the beneficiary of my parents forgiving nature and I hope I can give the same to others in my life.

When I think about my life I am also amazed at how supportive they have always been of what my brother or I wanted to do. They gave me music lessons, let me choose where to go to school and what to study, helped me with anything else I wanted to do. When my brother graduated high school my dad let him know that he could go to school or go on a mission and he would support whatever he chose. I have always known that we were important to them and therefore so were our interests, pursuits and decisions. I hope my boys will know that too.

I guess I will leave it at that for now. I'm sorry if it was a bit cheesy, but it has been on my mind. I am so grateful for my parents - for everything they have done and continue to do for me. I am glad that my children will have these examples in their grandparents to look to as they grow up. As my mom was leaving today, Jordan kept wimpering in the car, "play Grandma more." I told him she needed to go home, but inside I was thinking, "me too buddy, me too."

The flute player inside...

Over the years, music has brought me some of the most joy in my life. I absolutely love playing in a group - musicians brought together with the purpose of creating something beautiful. Oh, how I have missed it since my college days. I have performed a few times at church, but I miss being part of a group. Ironically, one of my great weaknesses is an inability to perform by myself without getting nervous.

Last year I was asked to accompany a choir piece at church. I was nervous, of course, especially because it contained that one note that, when nervous, I have a really hard time playing well. But that Sunday morning I had a breakthrough - inspiration, at last, about the purpose of music. Before, when I thought about playing in front of people, I mostly was concerned about how those listening would critic and judge my performance. This is what made me nervous, this need to do well for those in the audience. As I sat contemplating all those who would be watching me, the well known scripture came into my mind - "...that ye must not perform anything unto the Lord save in the first place ye shall pray unto the Father in the name of Christ, that he will consecrate they performance unto thee, that thy performance may be for the welfare of thy soul." (2 Nephi 32:9) For some reason it just finally had occurred to me that I was not playing to a room full of people, but I was playing to worship Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and in so doing, I would be strengthened. And acknowledging that actually did give me courage and it was easy to play that day.

Now again, I am contemplating music. I have honestly felt a void in my life where it used to be. I have searched for some way to be involved, but with Mike's schedule the way it is and no family around, it has been impossible. However, at church on Sunday I noticed a flyer for a production that another stake is putting on, and they are holding auditions not only for the cast, but the orchestra. I feel such a desire to be a part of it. But, it would mean a bit of sacrifice for my family for about a month of rehersals. Now, I am not presumptuous enough to think that I would definitely get in, but quite the opposite - it is almost like a daydream. If I could, though, I would love to do it. But is it worth putting my family through? I honestly am a firm believer in a season for all things in life - right now I need to focus on raising my kids and the rest will come later. However, this could be my last chance to actually have a chance at being in this kind of production. So what do I do? I think I am going to at least try. If I don't make it, then I won't always wonder what if. If I do, somehow, make it, I know that Mike would be willing to make it happen for me. So, here's hoping that I can fill that void in a little way. If not, it was at least fun to daydream about!

Two things making my life easier...

I have discovered two things that have made things a lot easier for me.

The first:

Now normally I might think that such a shortcut was really too much - just make your own rice already! But this is so cool. I tried one just to see and it comes out perfect. So, next time Mike is at school and it is time for dinner and Evan is pulling on my pants and Jordan is pushing me away from the stove, I will just pop one of these in the microwave to go with my dinner that is hopefully ready in the crockpot! (By the way, the vegetables are really good too! Oh, and they are on sale at our Walmart right now for only $1!)

The second:

The first few days of weaning Jordan from sleeping with his pacifier were a little rough. But one night when he wouldn't calm down and go to sleep, I decided to see if a car would do (he LOVES his cars...) He said he wanted one. Now every nap and bedtime he wants a car to sleep with. No more screaming or crying! Ah, sweet peace.

The influence of others

Jordan loves going to nursery at church. He gets so excited when we get to church that sometimes we have a really hard time getting him to sit through Sacrament meeting. I know that a large part of this is because of the nursery leader - Sister Todd. Can I tell you how amazing she is? She is so patient with the kids and you can tell that she genuinely loves her calling. She gets down and plays with the kids and lets them all know that they are important to her. I am so grateful that she is there.

We decided that at the beginning of this year we want to have our FHE lessons from the nursery manual every week. So, tonight we went over the lesson they had yesterday. In the middle of talking to Jordan about how he is a child of God, he excitedly said, "Sister Todd!" He remembered that she taught him that same lesson yesterday. I understand more now the importance of not only the influence of others around us, but of joyfully fulfilling your calling at church. Thank you everyone for your influence on my family!