The flute player inside...

Over the years, music has brought me some of the most joy in my life. I absolutely love playing in a group - musicians brought together with the purpose of creating something beautiful. Oh, how I have missed it since my college days. I have performed a few times at church, but I miss being part of a group. Ironically, one of my great weaknesses is an inability to perform by myself without getting nervous.

Last year I was asked to accompany a choir piece at church. I was nervous, of course, especially because it contained that one note that, when nervous, I have a really hard time playing well. But that Sunday morning I had a breakthrough - inspiration, at last, about the purpose of music. Before, when I thought about playing in front of people, I mostly was concerned about how those listening would critic and judge my performance. This is what made me nervous, this need to do well for those in the audience. As I sat contemplating all those who would be watching me, the well known scripture came into my mind - "...that ye must not perform anything unto the Lord save in the first place ye shall pray unto the Father in the name of Christ, that he will consecrate they performance unto thee, that thy performance may be for the welfare of thy soul." (2 Nephi 32:9) For some reason it just finally had occurred to me that I was not playing to a room full of people, but I was playing to worship Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and in so doing, I would be strengthened. And acknowledging that actually did give me courage and it was easy to play that day.

Now again, I am contemplating music. I have honestly felt a void in my life where it used to be. I have searched for some way to be involved, but with Mike's schedule the way it is and no family around, it has been impossible. However, at church on Sunday I noticed a flyer for a production that another stake is putting on, and they are holding auditions not only for the cast, but the orchestra. I feel such a desire to be a part of it. But, it would mean a bit of sacrifice for my family for about a month of rehersals. Now, I am not presumptuous enough to think that I would definitely get in, but quite the opposite - it is almost like a daydream. If I could, though, I would love to do it. But is it worth putting my family through? I honestly am a firm believer in a season for all things in life - right now I need to focus on raising my kids and the rest will come later. However, this could be my last chance to actually have a chance at being in this kind of production. So what do I do? I think I am going to at least try. If I don't make it, then I won't always wonder what if. If I do, somehow, make it, I know that Mike would be willing to make it happen for me. So, here's hoping that I can fill that void in a little way. If not, it was at least fun to daydream about!