The Third

I am resurrecting this blog.  I just want a place to get thoughts out.  It will probably usually be short, maybe silly, or who knows what else, but here I am. 

So what am I thinking about today....

A little bit ago I banished the boys to their room to pick up their books they threw all over last night when they were "sleeping."  This meant quiet time with Colette. I layed down with her on my bed and we cuddled, smiled at each other and rested.  It was lovely.  I miss being able to do that all the time and I feel guilty sometimes, thinking that just because she is a third child, she should still get as much attention as the others at this stage.  I feel it especially when she is fussing and I finally get to her and she immediately calms down and smiles and coos.  All she wants is a little Mama attention.  And oh, I love her smiles!  They are so genuine.

But, she is the third.  That means there are two crazy, hyper boys with constant demands for juice and diaper changes and lunch and play time...  And so I can't give all my time to my sweet baby girl.  But she will be okay, I know, and soon she will be running around as one of those crazy kids with tons of demands.  I look forward to it and dread her growing so fast at the same time.  So I will enjoy the brief moments of quiet with her now while she is still so little. 

And maybe someday soon I will get better at juggling three kids... 

(and the boys are still downstairs "cleaning", an hour later.  I may get more quiet time with Colette when she wakes up at the rate they are going!)

"Before I can say I am, I was."

I am so inspired by good writing - the kind that gives you something to think about without making you try too hard. And I love writing that sounds beautiful. Anyway, I started reading our book group book for next month - Angle of Repose by Wallace Stegner. I am only four pages in, but I am already inspired. Here are some thoughts:

"I started to establish the present and the present moved on. What I established is already buried under layers of tape. Before I can say I am, I was. Heraclitus and I, prophets of flux, know that the flux is composed of parts that imitate and repeat each other. Am or was, I am cumulative too...I am much of what my parents and expecially my grandparents were...I believe in Time, as they did, and in the life chronological rather than the life existenial. We live in time and through it."

What he is talking about is his desire to learn of, about, and from his ancestors, those who helped shape who he is. But his grown children think he is crazy and believe that time is the present, that the past is just that.

This past weekend we went to Phoenix to celebrate my nieces' birthdays. We also were able to visit my grandparents. I am so impressed with the work they are doing. They are indexing thousands of records and have completed so much of their own family history - my family history. But they haven't just collected names, they have collected stories, experiences and photos. I was able to read some while I was there and I am so excited for those they are going to send me. What strikes me the most, however, is the feeling I get when I learn of those from whom I came. I feel pride in hearing about their triumphs, strength to know that I can overcome as well, and encouragement to be who I can be - someone like them because I came from them.

I have wondered before and I did again this weekend why it seems that we only find interest in our ancestors when we get older. I know part of it is availability of time, but I think we can become so wrapped up in making our own lives that we forget those who have helped shape those lives, whose lives can offer lessons. I can say that something insided me shouted "YES!" when I read the passage I quoted that described life as chronological, not existential. It is easy to look to our parents, or even our grandparents as our forebearers and I respect them so much and have learned so much from their examples. But I want to dive deeper. So here I am, resolved to learn more about those who made me, to let them teach me and inspire me.

I've got to do it

Okay, I am not one to talk, especially on a blog, about pop culture. I find most of it absolutely ridiculous and therefore not worth talking about. But there is one thing that I am so disturbed by that I am going to talk about it. When I had cable I used to watch "Jon and Kate Plus 8" and now we all know what happened there - drama and divorce. Now he is off party hopping around the world with different women on his arm, piercing his ears, smoking, buying sports cars, etc. He essentially is trying to gain back his youth and freedom. He stated many times in the show that he was too young to have as much responsibility as he does. But here's the problem - he chose to have that responisbility. He chose to get married. He chose to have kids. And with those choices comes responsibility. (Now, I know that maybe there are other issues at play and this could be simplistic, but I think we can agree that his actions are pretty irresponsible.) Fortunately for those kids, they have a mother that is completely devoted to them.

I love seeing people embrace the responsibility of children - who have them and don't begrudge the change in lifestyle. Because a change of lifestyle it is. You are no longer free. You have responsibilities that you can't just lock in a cage like a pet. But you also have extreme joy, growth, and love. Don't get me wrong, there are times when I look at the door and consider just walking out. But you can't find what children and family give you in parties, wealth or fame - or in anything else for that matter. But you have to sacrifice yourself to find those things. And you won't regret it. There is time in life for everything. Some day your kids won't be young and demanding and you will have time for all the pursuits you dream of. But there will not be another time to wrestle your little kids on the floor, sing with them when they are silly or hold them close with they are sad. And that is what I remember when both my boys are yelling at each other or whining at me all day - someday they will be grown and I will long to have them young again.

Look out world!

So, I have been self-reflective today. It has been one of those times when I decide that I have to change. And so I am going to. I have to...I am bugging myself!

Here is the thing. For some reason I have always devalued myself, as in my opinions, ideas, preferences, etc. If someone disagrees with me, I just assume that I am the wrong one, at least in that conversation. I don't know why, but for some reason I have decided that everyone else is more qualified for life. I think that is why I struggle to keep up with this blog. I feel like no one should care about what I think about anything and I don't want to be presumptuous enough to think they do.

Also, if anyone voices a preference for doing something one way or wanting something, I will always go with that instead of what is best for me. Most times it doesn't matter and I am happy to do what is best for them, but sometimes I am terribly inconvienced because I feel like I cannot impose my preferences on anyone.

But I am done. I'm not going to swing too far mind you, but I am going to change. I think this is why I have always been a homebody - I am me when I am at home, either with my parents or my husband. I am confident in my ideas, opinions, actions and desires. But for some reason that stops when I walk out the door.

Not any more though. I have ideas, good ones in fact. I have opinions about life and they are just as valid as anyone else's, and it is okay if they don't agree. And sometimes it is okay to do things the way that is best for me. Okay, now I just need to keep saying these things to myself until I can do it. I really don't know why I feel like I am not as valid as anyone else, but I am working on it. Fortunately I am married to a psychologist who can help me with assertiveness. Wish me luck!

I'm a changed woman!

I got to go out by myself for a bit today. It was great, a trip to the craft store without screaming kids grabbing every spool of ribbon they see! As I was driving home, classical music turned up loud, I was quite enjoying myself. And then I saw a garbage truck and got really excited about it, but stopped short of pointing it out to Jordan, who wasn't in the car. Point being, they have me trained. I get excited to see garbage trucks now. Every time we go out Jordan exclaims, "we going to see garbage trucks?!" And I tell him I don't know if they are out. "Can we see garbage trucks?!" Then I remind him that if he looks around maybe he will. So whenever we are out and about we look for garbage trucks and excitedly point them out to each other. So, there you have it. Garbage trucks excite me. Oh, and if you ask me at any given point in the day what song is in my head, it will 9 times out of 10 be a kids song, probably Doodlebops. Man, those songs are catchy!

What to do!

I am kind of stuck. For a while I wanted projects to work on, books to read, or just something to fill my time. And now I have too many. Too many, in fact, that I have a hard time actually accomplishing much on any one thing. And, apparently that includes blogging! Somehow I need to cut it down or strategize. But I love projects! I love having something to create. So how do I decide?
I have recently discovered how to make blog backgrounds, and I love doing it. I love mixing up colors and patterns. At any rate, it gives me a chance to try something new and learn to be a bit more creative. I kind of think it would be fun to start one of the blogs that has backgrounds to use, but it isn’t a necessary project…
I am also learning to sew right now, and I am finding out that it is going to take a bit of practice to get it down. But I have so many things I want to make. I have realized that I am getting pickier about what I want, yet cheaper at the same time, which makes for a difficult combination. So, I want to learn to make what I want!
I also love reading. I can’t stop, which is why I need to cut down, actually! I just picked up two more large books to read and I reserved my book group book for next month. It is so fun to immerse myself into a good story.
Oh, I haven’t touched my scrapbooking. I am so far behind that I am afraid I may never catch up!
But how do I do it all? I have found that when I have so many things that I want to do that my days are a little more stressful because I want to get to other things. But during the day, I need to focus on my boys and house. So how do I find the balance? Do I give some of it up? Do I make a schedule? How do I learn the patience to wait until there is time? Oh, and how do I find the energy to keep up after a day with my boys?! Any tips?

Growing older...

I've been thinking a lot about my age lately. I honestly thought it would never bother me to be getting to thirty. Often maturity and abilities are judged by age and so I've always wanted to get to that age when no one can say, "well you don't know because you are young..." I suppose it is just vanity, but I wanted to achieve the respect that comes with age. But now that it is coming, I'm not so sure.
This year I will turn 29. Next, 30. Wow, even writing it sends me into shock! I am afraid that I looked forward so much to maturity that I didn't fully enjoy youth. I did fully enjoy my college years, so I suppose this all started when I got married and had kids - I felt like I should be older and more mature. So, I am setting a goal to act my age, to have fun and worry a little less about how people perceive me in this season of life. Right now I don't have to run kids around to every activity, be in the PTA or make a name for myself in the community. More importantly, I don't have to be perfect in order to prove to people that I am mature and capable, even in my twenties. It doesn't matter. Right now I get to run around with my kids, learn new skills and just do my best at whatever I do.

Just a thought...

It has been a while. I feel like I am having a hard time sifting through my thoughts, at least in any way that would be coherent! So, I am posting a quote I found and loved. Enjoy!

“In order to qualify for exaltation in the celestial kingdom, we must gain the trust of the Lord here on earth. We gain the trust of the Lord through earning it, and that is accomplished through our actual performance in living His gospel and keeping our covenants. In other words, we earn the trust of the Lord by doing His will.” - Elder Richard J. Maynes, Nov. 2004 Ensign

The magic is fading

I love being a mom. I love being the center of their worlds as much as they are mine. As such, I have held a super power - healing. Until recently, not matter how Jordan got hurt, a kiss from me and he was up and better. But things are changing. He is getting older. He understands more. Now when I kiss his pain, he looks at me with a questioning face and says, "it still hurts..."

Fortunately, whenever Evan gets hurt he puts his hand on his head (no matter where he is hurt) and runs to me for a magical kiss, the kind that makes him all better.

Who are you?

We lost our cable a couple weeks ago so I find myself watching shows every once in a while that I normally wouldn't. The other day it was Dr. Phil (my husband hates Dr. Phil, so I guess a little has rubbed off...) The former Miss Washington was on speaking about how pictures were stolen off her computer, put on the internet, and used against her ending in losing her title. They were taken on an evening with friends when she was being "silly" as she said. She was flipping off the camera, drinking, etc while wearing her crown. She defended herself by saying that she should not be judged by things she does with good friends, when no one else is watching - it isn't who she really is.

Her argument reminded me of a quote I found when I was reading a conference talk the other day:

"We need to be aquainted with the promptings of the Holy Ghost, and we need to practice and apply gospel teachings until they become natural and automatic... Elder Oaks said, 'Testimony is to know and to feel, conversion is to do and to become.'" - Elder Allan F. Packer

I think the essence of who we are is who we become based on what we believe and practice. And that is what you do and are at all times, when people are looking and when people are not. So if you behave some way, in any circumstance, that is a part of who you are. (As an aside, I know we all make mistakes and sometimes do things we regret...I am speaking here generally.) I know that as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I hope that my actions, thoughts, speech and behavior, are consistant at all times with my beliefs and testimony of Jesus Christ and his gospel. As we are converted more and more, who we become will be what we believe. I love that.

Influence

I saw a commercial the other day that set me off thinking. It showed a family together in a room that was full of the father's guitars. One of the daughters, who was about 8 or 9 years old was wearing guitar earings and singing into a microphone. My first thought was that she must like guitars because her father does. I know, not terribly profound. But I thought of all the things that I liked, disliked, and such that were influenced by my parents.

When I was younger my dad and I watched sports together, especially NASCAR. I loved NASCAR - in fact, I still get all excited when I see it. I know I liked it because my dad did. And I love the memories of experiencing that together.

Our interests and passions influence our children. I felt a bit overwhelmed by this whole thought process. What will I pass on to my kids. What do I like that they will like? Music, politics, silliness (well, that one for sure!) Then I remembered an experience I had as a teenager.

My mom has always been a great example to me of faith. I remembered her always reading her scriptures, having gospel discussions with me, getting excited for temple trips, and the like. One Sunday, I think when we were close to moving from Maine, we had testimony meeting in Young Women, where my mom was president. I bore mine and I remember one of the leaders commenting that my testimony reminded them of my mother. I was so proud. I hope that among all those things that I might influence my kids to like, that foremost is to love the gospel and have unwavering faith. I know without a doubt that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is true, and I hope they will too.

Inspiration

I read this quote tonight, and was so inspired. This is what I want to be:

“God planted within women something divine that expresses itself in quiet strength, in refinement, in peace, in goodness, in virtue, in truth, in love. And all of these remarkable qualities find their truest and most satisfying expression in motherhood.” –Gordon B. Hinckley

Life gets challenging and sometimes I am not who I want to be. I get frustrated more than I want to when the boys won't listen, I am impatient more often than I want and can see so many things I want to improve. I find, though, that when I remember who I could be, it is easier for me to be it. Does that make sense? What I mean is that when I remember the divine nature and potential that I have as a woman, I want to live up to it. I want to find a little more patience, be a little kinder, be calmer, do a little more. I want to be incredibly good. So, here is my inspiration, my quest to be better, to live up to what my Heavenly Father wants me to be, and what I want to be. And most importantly, I am going to try harder to be the mother I want to be. Wish me luck!

What a day.

My day today was...well...less than great. It was just one of those days.

The day actually started pretty well. The boys woke up before 6:00, but Mike got up with them and woke me up at 7:30 with breakfast because we weren't home yesterday for Mother's Day. That was pretty nice.

Next, I needed to run errands. Most importantly, I needed to get light-blocking curtains for the boys' rooms so they will sleep past 5:45 am! So, I went to Target because I needed to get a couple of other things there too. And Evan fussed the whole time. And they didn't have curtains. So off to Ross. Found two curtain rods, one missing screws, but that made it really cheap. Jordan screamed (literally) the whole time. Went to Walmart, got curtains. Jordan screamed the whole time.

Then, after lunch, we all took a nap.

After the boys woke up I decided to fix our vacuum that broke last week. I started it up and our house filled with burned rubber smoke. It wasn't the belt that was the problem but I burned through another one. Now here is where the next problem for the day is - we are not handy people. So, since I didn't know what could be the problem, I headed back to Target, because in trying to fix the vacuum, I dumped a bunch of dust and dirt on the floor thinking I would just vacuum it up! Jordan and Evan both screamed the whole time on this trip. I bought a vacuum then got to talk to my mom. We came up with what was wrong with my other vacuum and I fixed it! Then it broke again, leaving junk all over the carpet I just vacuumed. Good times.

Oh, and did I mention Evan's 4 dirty diapers and Jordan's 2 for the day?

Then Mike got home and after dinner we tried to hang the curtains that I chased down this morning. And, after one broken drill bit and half a screw broken into the wall, we gave up for the evening.

After the boy's bath and prayer I was just sitting on the floor too exhausted and frustrated with my day to get up yet. Then Jordan came over and tried to make me laugh and smile. And it worked.

Sometimes I get overwhelmed with how hard everything is to do with kids, especially my kids. They aren't the sit quiet types. Anyway, they always remind me how worth it it is to be a mom. It is a sacrifice. Things are harder. And sometimes I really just don't want to deal with them. But I am always so happy that they are mine, that I get be with them every day.

It all started with one day.

Four years ago, we were married. It was a perfect day...well except for the temple guide that kept harshly telling me what to do! We had a brunch, were married, and had our reception. We were surrounded by friends and family. We were happy.

I think of how different our lives are now. We have moved two times, Mike has a Master's degree, we have aged and have experienced four years of married life - we have become one. Most of all, we have our amazing little boys. It is hard to imagine that the two people in this picture don't know Jordan's happy, social little self, or Evan's thoughtful, silly personality.
I think that is the most amazing thing about the Plan of Salvation - it truly is the plan of happiness. To know that what was started that day, forming an eternal bond, means that we have sealed our children to us forever, those children we only hoped for then. And that makes us truly happy.

One hot summer week...

We have been running fans here a lot lately because it is already in the 90's, and I have to say that I love the sound of a fan. It is a happy summer sound. But now that sound always takes me back to one moment in time - the week after Jordan was born.

Jordan was born at the end of June in Oregon during a heat wave. Some friends of ours in the ward were so kind to us and gave us an air conditioner for our window. We were so grateful for that air conditioner because we could keep our newborn cool and happy. Anyway, my delivery with Jordan was pretty awful. Hours and hours of laboring, 4 1/2 hours of pushing and finally a c-section. Needless to say, I felt horrible. But that week after he was born is still one of my happiest memories. My mom was in town to help, which meant taking care of me (there is something wonderful about being taken care of by your mom, no matter how old you are). I had my sweet little Jordan and Mike was at home with us taking a bit of a break from school. So, my mind has wandered to that happy time many, many times lately, and I am so glad to have such a happy memory.

What I can do

As I have said before, I used to be really active in the Republican Party when I was in college. But after I married and had kids, I turned off politics. I found myself too riled up all the time and needed a break. But then something changed. I think a lot of times we women generally focus inward towards our families. However, the way things are going, we can’t ignore what the government is doing that not only threaten our country, but our families as well. And so I want to get involved again. But I found that I’m not sure where I fit. I am a conservative but the Republican Party is getting less and less conservative. On the other hand I do feel that government is good for some things, just not as much as they think they are good for.

So I talked with Mike about what I want to do. I want to be involved again, but in what and doing what? Then I had a thought. I think that whether or not you believe the two-party system is good or bad, it is here to stay. But, what if we try to influence the party we feel most closely resembles what we believe, starting at the bottom? We get involved in our precincts, go to conventions where party platforms and candidates are decided. Vote in our primaries, propose changes to party ideas, run for local office if possible. If people do this, we can change the direction of our party and hopefully our state and country.

Anyway, that is my idea and I can do it while taking care of my family.

The little things

I am so happy to be a stay-at-home mom. I have been reading Dr. Laura's new book, and I am going to talk about that more later (exciting, huh!) But I have been thinking a lot lately about how much I love being at home and hearing Jordan develop. He says the funniest things.
For example, today I was changing yet another dirty diaper - seriously, it can't be normal how many dirty diapers I change in a day - and Jordan walked up to Evan and said, "no more dirty diapers today Evan!"
Earlier that day he was telling me he wanted "a different else." I love that he gets what things mean and experiments with putting them together.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I love being here to hear these little moments. Maybe they seem mundane, but to me they are extraordinary.
Then tonight I watched my boys play with their dad. They laughed and ran and had such a good time. And I can tell you that there in NO other joy greater than watching your family be happy together. No "me time" activity is better than being in a happy home together. And I am so grateful to give my time - full time - to that pursuit.

My life...

The past few weeks have been crazy busy for me. I had the blessing of being a part of Savior of the World here in Las Vegas, and I absolutely loved it. I loved getting to play my flute again, and more importantly, I loved getting to do it in a way to worship. Every show I felt myself getting emotional as the cast and choir sang “Jesus Once of Humble Birth.” I have no doubt that Christ is the Savior of the world, that He lived and died for us to find eternal joy.

One other reason I wanted to be a part of this production was to take back a bit of me. I find such fulfillment through music. I love joining others to create something so beautiful. So for me, this opportunity was a sanity saver. I reclaimed a part of me. But, in doing so, I was gone most nights for over three weeks. And though I crave small breaks from the constant demands of little children, I found myself missing them so much. I missed being at home to put them to bed, to do “mama time” with my boys. I wondered if I was being selfish by taking that time away from them.

But I realized that I was a better mom for getting to do something for me. It seems cliché to say, but true. I found more joy in being at home and I appreciated them more.

I think the key is, as with everything, finding balance. In this season of my life, my main focus, priority, and time consumer is my family, my kids. And I am perfectly okay with that. But, at the same time, I need to have bits of time when I can do those things that give me personal joy. That is the hardest thing for me to concede actually, more so than giving up everything for them. I have to learn to and practice giving myself time to do what I enjoy.

I would, however, never change anything about where I am at. I absolutely adore my boys. And I am so glad that I have my two little boys that are 18 months apart and getting to be such good friends. Honestly, it was really hard for a while having them so close (and I know people have done closer…) and so active and demanding. But it was most definitely worth it. I love watching them laugh and play together. And I can deal with the fighting for those happy moments.

Focusing on the life of the Savior for a concentrated amount of time was truly a blessing. It reminded me that through Him it is possible for us to live with our families forever. And I am so grateful for that.

It isn't just a justification...I promise!

I know what I am about to say will probably make many moms shudder, but I let my kids eat lunch on our couch. I know, awful. But there's a reason...another confession. I want them to watch tv. I am a huge fan of PBS. They have great shows for kids, especially the ones around lunch time - Word World, Super Why, and Sid the Science Kid (they don't watch all of them everyday, just whichever is on when they eat lunch). Jordan actually knows the sounds of about ten letters because of these shows. I know in a perfect world I would be teaching him these sounds myself, but I do practice them with him. The boys both love these shows. Jordan will repeat letters, sounds, and science ideas that he learns. So, I like them having that time...and I feel less guilty about getting to eat my lunch in peace in the kitchen.

As an aside, I think I am going to start doing phonics with Jordan. He loves learning, especially about letters and the little bit we go over from these shows he gets really excited about. We are teaching him that different letters make different words, and I think he will get it. I don't think he will be reading any time soon, nor will I try to make him, I just think he would really enjoy it. I learned how to read with the Spalding phonics program and I am excited to share with him the phonics cards I grew up with and actually enjoyed. So, we will see how it goes.

I know, I know...

...I am a broken record. I don't know why I feel so strongly about family, and especially women's role in it, but I do, so it is on my mind a lot. As I was trying to decide if I should keep writing about the same subjet over and over, I thought about a quote that was in last month's visiting teaching message by Julie B. Beck, "As a disciple of Jesus Christ, every woman in this Church is given the responsibility for upholding, nurturing, and protecting families... And as a covenant-keeping Latter-day Saint woman, you know that raising your voice in defense of the doctrine of the family is critical to the strength of families the world over." It is our duty to defend families, especially now. So, here we go again.

Dr. Laura has a new book coming out, so she has been interviewed many times on the news shows I like to watch. Now I am not a 100% fan of her's, but I do agree with a lot of what she says, and more importantly, completely respect her defense of the family in our society today. Anyway, her new book is called In Praise of Stay-at-home Moms. She explained that one of the biggest reasons she wanted to write this book is because the world, especially women, view stay-at-home moms so negatively - as lazy, unintelligent, unimportant, unambitious, etc. But the most fulfilling thing we can do as women is have children, nurture them, and raise them. So, she wanted to recognize women who do that. Now I know that there are some women who do not have a choice as to whether or not they have to work. I am no judge. I do know, however, that in our world, the vast majority of women are chosing to work.

I think there are a couple things at work here. I think one major factor is that our world is very materialistic. Instead of a person's worth being measured by who they are - their character, values, etc - they are measured by what positions they hold and how much money and how many things they have. Therefore, to live up to this view from the world, a woman needs to work to afford the life that is deemed "successful." Dr. Laura talked a bit about this too, that being a stay-at-home mom requires sacrifice, no matter what your situation because you are giving up two incomes for one. But it is all in your attitude. Instead of eating out, having a picnic somewhere is just as worthwhile, and well within the budget of a one-income family, for example.

Another force I see behind this trend is the value of women in society. I read a talk by Sheri Dew years ago that I loved so much I typed up segments of it and taped it in my scriptures so I would have easy access to it. One thing she stated in it was, "Satan, of course, knows how spiritually potent the knowledge of our divine identity is. He hates us because of the influence we have on husbands and children, family and friends, the Church and even the world. It is no secret to him that we are the Lord's secret weapon...He wants us to believe that there is no status in being a mother. That is a lie, an evil lie. He wants us to believe that the influence of women is inherently inferior. And that is a lie." And what success has been had on that front. Our world has said that for a woman to mean anything, she has to be like a man, live like a man, work like a man. In contrast, we are taught to, "find nobility in motherhood and joy in womanhood" (Relief Society theme). We are women for a reason. We need to embrace our inherencies, our strengths, our abilities as women, and find joy in them. And we need to remind the world that women, living as women, are important and valuable to society, integral in fact.

I am so proud to be a woman. I know I have said it before, but it wasn't always so and I regret that. But I understand now the priviledge that is ours as women. I can honestly say that I have had NO greater joy in life than I have had in motherhood. And I think that is our blessing as women, to experience that joy and be the center of our families and homes. And I want the world to know it. I am a stay-at-home mom and that makes me a very imortant person. I am raising my children who will influence the world.