Another one of those...

I got tagged to write 25 things about myself on Facebook. So, I'm using it here too. Here we go...

1. I love finding bargains. I can’t stop. Really, I can’t. I don’t buy any clothes for the boys that cost more than $3 new.
2. Related to above, I am trying to start up an online store to sell the bargain clothes I find for kids…be watching for it soon!
3. I took violin lessons in first grade. But, the lunch lady taught them and she scared me. So when my mom dropped me off, I stayed outside. The lessons didn’t last too long. (That’s okay, I always wanted to play the flute anyway!)
4. I am auditioning for a production tomorrow. I don’t know if I will make it, but I am going to try because I love playing my flute and miss it a lot.
5. I was the president of BYU College Republicans when I was at school and lived politics. I’m easing back into it now after a break for my own sanity.
6. I have had both my kids c-section. Jordan was an emergency c-section and when I was pregnant with Evan they said, “once a c-section, always a c-section.” On the plus side, I don’t change dirty diapers for the first two weeks!7. I live in Maine for four years when I was a teenager and still long to get back. If we have money some day (you know, after the house, and student loans, and missions, and everything else) to buy a vacation house, it will be in Maine (yes, in Cape Elizabeth!) If not, I will settle for frequent stays in hotels.
8. I have a possibly unhealthy love of chocolate chip and peanut butter chip Quaker granola bars. I have at least one a day.
9. I love France and anything French. I used to daydream about being there. I still can’t wait for an extended visit. I got to go for a day to Paris when I was in Brussels for a business trip. So, one day we’ll go.
10. I hate cleaning floors…with a passion. Fortunately Mike doesn’t mind doing them.
11. I love cooking in my crock pot. Ten minutes in the morning and dinner is done!
12. Mike thought it would be funny to teach Jordan that he is a boy, Mike is a boy, Evan is a boy and Mama is a monkey. So now if you ask Jordan what Mama is, he will tell you I am a monkey.
13. I have a hard time resisting tv shows that have to do with super powers. Can’t resist. That is why I had to watch Smallville last night even though I didn’t care about it.
14. I like…brace yourself…Celine Dion. I actually listen to her in French. I had a friend that introduced me to it and I have liked her ever since.
15. I did debate in high school. My greatest triumph was when we beat a nationally ranked team and they gave us their third place trophy after because they were so mad.
16. I like to talk. A lot.
17. I am really stubborn about some things. One of the biggest is resisting things that are popular. That is why I just read the Work and the Glory books a couple years ago and I am always a little behind on fads.
18. I love watching people dance. Stink at it myself though.
19. I hope to move back to Utah soon. My husband’s family is there and my parents moved there last year! I still get giddy inside when I think about my parents living in Utah. I love it there.
20. I really hope I have a girl someday. I would be happy with even just one. I need a daughter to be girly with. I do love my boys though!
21. I can’t make decisions these days. I think that the boys suck out so much of my resources these days that the first region to go was the one that makes simple decisions. Anyway, that’s what Mike is for!
22. I honestly can predict about 90% of the time what is going to happen in a movie, tv show or book.
23. I can listen to two conversations at the same time.
24. I talk to my mom multiple times a day. Yeah, we’re close.
25. I want to write a book some day and I already know what it is about and how I want to organize it. Now, I just have to work on the writing ability part…

My child, the person

I've been thinking a lot about our society lately. More specifically, I've been thinking about the worth of people in it. It seems to me that a person's worth is very conditional, subjective, and performance based.

Example. I'm sure you all have heard about the football coach being charged with one of his player's death. The young man died from the heat, after being taken to the hospital with a temperature of 107 degrees. Apparently the coach denied him water and pushed him to keep practicing until he collapsed, along with another player who survived. In watching various news networks coverage and discussion about this incident I heard a few of the following:

• Players should be pushed. How was the coach to know that the kid wasn't just being weak and not wanting to practice?! He did nothing wrong.
• Athletes are liked fine-tuned machines that you have to keep maintainenced and lubed. You have to make sure atheletes have what they need to perform their best.

And Mike heard on sports radio the hosts discussing how lazy and weak kids are these days because they used to always be running around outside with no problems.

I have to say that if I trusted my child to the care of a coach or anyone, I would hope that they saw him as a person, not just as an athlete who should be pushed until breaking so that they can make their team look good or not as a machine to be tuned. I'm not saying that we should do everything for our kids or give them everything they want, but I think we can fairly say that this is a time when maybe a person's worth could be more than what it was, worth a drink and a break.

In more and more of what I see of business, sports, and the like, the world tends to base one's worth on what is accomplished, scored, performed, or earned instead of viewing their inherent worth just by existing. Maybe if more of the world was viewed that way, there would be a little more charity - helping when needed, giving the benefit of the doubt, forgiving, thinking the best of one another, being kind, understanding - and therefore more happiness and less stress. I really hope I can remember to look at people that way, especially my children.

Canning

So, this whole thought process I am about to write about started as this: they are gathering canning orders in our ward. As part of this, they need a few people to go help put the order together if they can. Unfortunately it is on a weekday and because I have my little boys, I can't go (I can still order though...)
I've thought a lot about how there are a lot of those good things in life that we should try to do. Meals to make, rides to give, canning to do, and the like. I would love to work in the temple, even just in the laundry or cafeteria or something. When each request for compassionate service is announced, there is another.
I used to feel like I should be able to do all these things, two toddlers and all. In fact, I thought there was something wrong with me because I felt like I couldn't. But I can't. That's all there is to it. My boys are demanding and busy. I have no family in town to lean on for help and Mike is gone day and night a lot of the time. I can try to do some, but I can't do it all, or even a lot of it. That's just how it is. At least for now.
I know that I have already blogged about similar feelings before, but I really feel strongly about this now. There is a season for all things. As I thought about canning, I knew that some day I will go, when my kids are all at school for the day. I will sign up for all meals I can afford to bring to people and any other opportunity I get that I can do. But not now.
When we lived in Oregon, soon after Jordan was born, I was beginning to have these feelings of failure for not jumping at everything any more. Then we had a stake conference meeting broadcast from Salt Lake City. One of the Relief Society Presidency members (it might have even been Sister Parkin, president at the time) spoke to us about doing the will of Heavenly Father. She said that we should always be living our life in doing His will and what He would have us do. She mentioned service and good works and all those other good things we have to do. But she then mentioned that raising our children is also how we spend our time doing His will. We should, of course, try to help others any chance we get, magnify our callings and such, but that our focus as mothers, particularly of young children, was to teach, guide, and raise them. I felt such a burden lifted from my shoulders.
So, I keep trying to remind myself that the fact that my children take all my time, energy, resources, sanity, and patience, is okay. That is what I should be doing. And when they are a little older, I will go help at the cannery.

I have a family here on Earth

Just as a warning before I begin, this may be another one of those cheesy posts, but I am going to do it anyway!

I have two thoughts running through my mind right now. The first is about our lesson in Relief Society today. We discussed the return of Elijah to bestow the sealing keys to Joseph Smith and what that means to us. I know that this is a very common topic in our church to discuss, but it hit me how wonderful that knowledge is. When I married Mike in the temple, I married him for here on Earth (time) and forever after (and all eternity), which in turn sealed our beautiful boys to us forever. What an extraordinary knowledge.

As we sang the closing song, "Families Can Be Together Forever," I noticed the chorister was crying, and I am pretty sure I heard more sniffles around the room. I thought about how, more than probably any other topic (other than the atonement of Jesus Christ), I see more people get emotional when talking about families. I think it is because one of the main purposes of our lives here is to form eternal families. We are created for this and so it is inherent in us to find joy in the thought of living with those we love forever, even after they have passed away. I remember distinctly, soon after Jordan was born, understanding so much clearer why we would refer to the Plan of Salvation as the Plan of Happiness - I felt so much joy knowing that that little baby was mine forever.

The next idea I have been thinking about a lot lately is creating a home. As I listened to the lesson today, I thought about how this ties in perfectly - we need to create a place where our families will be safe from the world and the influences therein.

I remember soon before I got married being completely excited when I realized that I could make my home whatever I wanted it to be. I had been living with roommates for about seven years before that, and though I didn't have problems with most of them, I still had to compromise on our living space. But in my family I could make it whatever I wanted. I could choose what came in and what influences would surround my family while they were at home (at least for the most part). If we didn't want certain tv shows, games, music, language, etc in our home, then we could make it that way. Wow! I was so excited. Mike and I thoroughly discussed many of these ideas before we got married because I wanted to make sure we were on the same page, that's how important it was to me. Now, I know that I still have the tv on more than I want to, get frustrated more than I care, and other imperfections, but I love that I can try to make a place for my family, to protect them, to teach them the gospel and how to recognize the Holy Ghost, to help them stay worthy, and to try to make them happy to be part of our eternal family.

Beautiful Sight

I just have to write about my family's beautiful eyes. I can't get over them. They all have such *pretty* blue eyes (I know I'm not supposed to use pretty for boys, but hey, I call it like I see it!) Tonight I was playing around with my camera trying to learn what everything does. When I tried the close-up mode, I was struck again with how much I love those eyes. So, I took some pictures. I am no professional, so I know someone else could have done them more justice, but here they are.

Evan:



Jordan:



And they get it from:



One of the first things I noticed about Mike were his eyes. I hoped our boys would get his eyes. So here is a big thank you to genetics!

The influence of parents

My mom and me a couple days before my wedding.

When I was thinking about the influence others have in our lives, I thought about the immense influence my parents have had on me. This weekend my mom came to Las Vegas to celebrate Evan's birthday with us, and I had such a great time with her. She is honestly my best friend. I have learned so much from her and my dad. The more I meet people, the longer I parent, the older I get, the more I realize what good examples they were and are for me. So indulge me, please, as I share some important things I learned through my parents' examples, even if I am still trying to live up to them.

My parents are incredibly non-judgemental. I remember many times sharing with my dad my frustration with something someone had done. He would always say something like, "maybe they were having a bad day." And I grew up knowing that everyone is just as important as another - no matter what their color, profession, background, personality or anything. Now when I interact with others, I try not to judge them before I know them and give them the benefit of the doubt when I do. (Again, still working on this!) And when my mother offers her advice when I need it, I know that she is not judging me, but trying to help. I know that anyone could go to her for advice and feel comfortable knowing that she would try to help them without changing her opinion of them or judging them. I hope I can be like that some day.

Another thing I admire about my parents is that they are very forgiving. In fact, I remember many times wishing my dad would stay upset with me because I felt bad about something I had done. It would take a whole lot for him to hold a grudge. And my mother has forgiven and forgotten a lot in her life. I know that I have been the beneficiary of my parents forgiving nature and I hope I can give the same to others in my life.

When I think about my life I am also amazed at how supportive they have always been of what my brother or I wanted to do. They gave me music lessons, let me choose where to go to school and what to study, helped me with anything else I wanted to do. When my brother graduated high school my dad let him know that he could go to school or go on a mission and he would support whatever he chose. I have always known that we were important to them and therefore so were our interests, pursuits and decisions. I hope my boys will know that too.

I guess I will leave it at that for now. I'm sorry if it was a bit cheesy, but it has been on my mind. I am so grateful for my parents - for everything they have done and continue to do for me. I am glad that my children will have these examples in their grandparents to look to as they grow up. As my mom was leaving today, Jordan kept wimpering in the car, "play Grandma more." I told him she needed to go home, but inside I was thinking, "me too buddy, me too."

The flute player inside...

Over the years, music has brought me some of the most joy in my life. I absolutely love playing in a group - musicians brought together with the purpose of creating something beautiful. Oh, how I have missed it since my college days. I have performed a few times at church, but I miss being part of a group. Ironically, one of my great weaknesses is an inability to perform by myself without getting nervous.

Last year I was asked to accompany a choir piece at church. I was nervous, of course, especially because it contained that one note that, when nervous, I have a really hard time playing well. But that Sunday morning I had a breakthrough - inspiration, at last, about the purpose of music. Before, when I thought about playing in front of people, I mostly was concerned about how those listening would critic and judge my performance. This is what made me nervous, this need to do well for those in the audience. As I sat contemplating all those who would be watching me, the well known scripture came into my mind - "...that ye must not perform anything unto the Lord save in the first place ye shall pray unto the Father in the name of Christ, that he will consecrate they performance unto thee, that thy performance may be for the welfare of thy soul." (2 Nephi 32:9) For some reason it just finally had occurred to me that I was not playing to a room full of people, but I was playing to worship Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and in so doing, I would be strengthened. And acknowledging that actually did give me courage and it was easy to play that day.

Now again, I am contemplating music. I have honestly felt a void in my life where it used to be. I have searched for some way to be involved, but with Mike's schedule the way it is and no family around, it has been impossible. However, at church on Sunday I noticed a flyer for a production that another stake is putting on, and they are holding auditions not only for the cast, but the orchestra. I feel such a desire to be a part of it. But, it would mean a bit of sacrifice for my family for about a month of rehersals. Now, I am not presumptuous enough to think that I would definitely get in, but quite the opposite - it is almost like a daydream. If I could, though, I would love to do it. But is it worth putting my family through? I honestly am a firm believer in a season for all things in life - right now I need to focus on raising my kids and the rest will come later. However, this could be my last chance to actually have a chance at being in this kind of production. So what do I do? I think I am going to at least try. If I don't make it, then I won't always wonder what if. If I do, somehow, make it, I know that Mike would be willing to make it happen for me. So, here's hoping that I can fill that void in a little way. If not, it was at least fun to daydream about!

Two things making my life easier...

I have discovered two things that have made things a lot easier for me.

The first:

Now normally I might think that such a shortcut was really too much - just make your own rice already! But this is so cool. I tried one just to see and it comes out perfect. So, next time Mike is at school and it is time for dinner and Evan is pulling on my pants and Jordan is pushing me away from the stove, I will just pop one of these in the microwave to go with my dinner that is hopefully ready in the crockpot! (By the way, the vegetables are really good too! Oh, and they are on sale at our Walmart right now for only $1!)

The second:

The first few days of weaning Jordan from sleeping with his pacifier were a little rough. But one night when he wouldn't calm down and go to sleep, I decided to see if a car would do (he LOVES his cars...) He said he wanted one. Now every nap and bedtime he wants a car to sleep with. No more screaming or crying! Ah, sweet peace.

The influence of others

Jordan loves going to nursery at church. He gets so excited when we get to church that sometimes we have a really hard time getting him to sit through Sacrament meeting. I know that a large part of this is because of the nursery leader - Sister Todd. Can I tell you how amazing she is? She is so patient with the kids and you can tell that she genuinely loves her calling. She gets down and plays with the kids and lets them all know that they are important to her. I am so grateful that she is there.

We decided that at the beginning of this year we want to have our FHE lessons from the nursery manual every week. So, tonight we went over the lesson they had yesterday. In the middle of talking to Jordan about how he is a child of God, he excitedly said, "Sister Todd!" He remembered that she taught him that same lesson yesterday. I understand more now the importance of not only the influence of others around us, but of joyfully fulfilling your calling at church. Thank you everyone for your influence on my family!

Less (re)learned

My freshman year at BYU was a great time in my life. I had so much fun, made a ton of new friends, and learned a lot. But, one lesson took me the whole year to learn, and I confess that I still have to reteach it to myself.
That year was the first time I remember really thinking about what made me me and others them. I remember my friends being so excited to go a dance/social on campus. Having friends over to play games sounded a whole lot better to me. I joined College Republicans. I wasn't too concerned about my clothes or my makeup. I was still close with my parents. I couldn't stand being late to meetings, so I went by myself and saved seats a lot. I guess that year was the first time I began wondering if it was okay to be me, or if I was supposed to be like others.
Finally, at the beginning of my second year at BYU I decided that it was okay to be me. If I didn't feel like forcing myself to enjoy a packed room with blaring music, then I just didn't go, and that was okay. I found joy in my activities, friends, and everything I did. And it seemed that the less I cared if I was okay as I was, the more I was accepted.
Fast forward to three years ago. Mike and I were married and expecting Jordan. We were in a real live family ward now, not a BYU singles or married ward. I felt so intimidated. Here were so many accomplished, talented, smart, good women around me. My lesson finally learned slipped away. I started wondering who I was and what I should be. She runs, so I should too (man, I hate running though!) Her house is always clean, why do I have such a hard time keeping on top of it? She thinks that, she likes that, she does that... And trust me, it went on and on and on. I become introverted, shy, timid, self-conscious.
And now I am here. Mother of two, wife of a student, and me. After almost forgetting who I am, I am trying to learn my lesson again - I am me, and that's okay. I like what I like, I do what I enjoy, I parent how I feel is best, my weaknesses are mine. And that's okay. I have been waiting for people to tell me this - "Erica, you are you, and that is great.*" But, you know what? It doesn't matter. I need to be happy with who and what I am. No more comparing. I really enjoy reading blogs, but it seems that everyone is so organized, so creative, so perfect. Well, I am me. And no matter how hard I try right now, my house still looks like this:

Yep, that's as good as it gets, and that's okay. Neither creative nor beautiful, but it is what works for my kids.
Now, accepting me for me isn't to say that it is okay to be content with my weaknesses too. I hope that I am trying every day to not only be me, but the best me possible. And if I am, then that is great.

*Thanks to my mom for telling me this my whole life!

Lesson in parenting - doing what is best

Today is day one of the pacifier weaning. There has been much weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth...by everyone involved. In fact, I am listening to both boys cry right now. There are many times that I wish I could just give my boys everything that will make them happy. But I know that is not possible. My body can't physically hold them all day (nor could my sanity handle it!) I can't let Jordan eat candy or chocolate or fruit snacks all day. And they need to be happy without their pacifiers. Oh, but they find such comfort from them! But this is what is best for them! But isn't making them happy what is best for them? Will they be happy when they are at college still sleeping with a pacifier? Maybe! Okay, I guess not. So, I'm learning this lesson again - sometimes it seems counterintuitive - that doing what is best for your children isn't always what makes them happy in the moment. *deep breath* I can do this...

And hopefully soon I'll be seeing more of this -

I remember watching The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe when I was younger. To me it was always a kid's movie. I guess I was too young to understand then. I suppose that is why, when the new movie came out a few years ago, I definitely wasn't running out to see it. But I did. And I loved it. Then the second movie came out. We just watched it while we were in Utah this past week and I can say that I more than loved it. These movies were not just entertaining. They were spiritual to me. I got so much out of them and felt so full after watching both.

I remember when Mike and I saw The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. We must have received free movie tickets because we were at a theatre. This was in Portland, Oregon, a place that is not exactly Christian friendly. While sitting in that room, we understood the story C.S. Lewis described. We saw the atonement of Christ, His compassion and love for man. Our potential as children of God, aka sons of Adam and daughters of Eve. We couldn't help but wonder what others in that room would think if they knew the importance of the real message being presented to them that day. Would they feel the joy we felt knowing that just as Aslan freed the people of Narnia from wickedness, Christ had done the same for us on this earth? Would they rejoice even more knowing that no matter what, the cunning of evil could never triumph over the love of Christ?

A couple years later, as I watched Prince Caspian, I couldn't help but feel those same emotions of joy. Knowing that we, through Christ, have power to overcome anything. That, as Lucy was the seemingly weakest among the characters, she was the strongest because of her faith. That as Aslan returned, so too will Christ.

I decided, as part of my goal to read more, I am going to read the Chronicles of Narnia series. There is no doubt in my mind that C.S. Lewis was an inspired writer. I have begun the first. The recounting of the creation of Narnia is beautiful. I can't wait to read all seven books, to partake of their message. To be entertained and inspired.