The influence of parents

My mom and me a couple days before my wedding.

When I was thinking about the influence others have in our lives, I thought about the immense influence my parents have had on me. This weekend my mom came to Las Vegas to celebrate Evan's birthday with us, and I had such a great time with her. She is honestly my best friend. I have learned so much from her and my dad. The more I meet people, the longer I parent, the older I get, the more I realize what good examples they were and are for me. So indulge me, please, as I share some important things I learned through my parents' examples, even if I am still trying to live up to them.

My parents are incredibly non-judgemental. I remember many times sharing with my dad my frustration with something someone had done. He would always say something like, "maybe they were having a bad day." And I grew up knowing that everyone is just as important as another - no matter what their color, profession, background, personality or anything. Now when I interact with others, I try not to judge them before I know them and give them the benefit of the doubt when I do. (Again, still working on this!) And when my mother offers her advice when I need it, I know that she is not judging me, but trying to help. I know that anyone could go to her for advice and feel comfortable knowing that she would try to help them without changing her opinion of them or judging them. I hope I can be like that some day.

Another thing I admire about my parents is that they are very forgiving. In fact, I remember many times wishing my dad would stay upset with me because I felt bad about something I had done. It would take a whole lot for him to hold a grudge. And my mother has forgiven and forgotten a lot in her life. I know that I have been the beneficiary of my parents forgiving nature and I hope I can give the same to others in my life.

When I think about my life I am also amazed at how supportive they have always been of what my brother or I wanted to do. They gave me music lessons, let me choose where to go to school and what to study, helped me with anything else I wanted to do. When my brother graduated high school my dad let him know that he could go to school or go on a mission and he would support whatever he chose. I have always known that we were important to them and therefore so were our interests, pursuits and decisions. I hope my boys will know that too.

I guess I will leave it at that for now. I'm sorry if it was a bit cheesy, but it has been on my mind. I am so grateful for my parents - for everything they have done and continue to do for me. I am glad that my children will have these examples in their grandparents to look to as they grow up. As my mom was leaving today, Jordan kept wimpering in the car, "play Grandma more." I told him she needed to go home, but inside I was thinking, "me too buddy, me too."

The flute player inside...

Over the years, music has brought me some of the most joy in my life. I absolutely love playing in a group - musicians brought together with the purpose of creating something beautiful. Oh, how I have missed it since my college days. I have performed a few times at church, but I miss being part of a group. Ironically, one of my great weaknesses is an inability to perform by myself without getting nervous.

Last year I was asked to accompany a choir piece at church. I was nervous, of course, especially because it contained that one note that, when nervous, I have a really hard time playing well. But that Sunday morning I had a breakthrough - inspiration, at last, about the purpose of music. Before, when I thought about playing in front of people, I mostly was concerned about how those listening would critic and judge my performance. This is what made me nervous, this need to do well for those in the audience. As I sat contemplating all those who would be watching me, the well known scripture came into my mind - "...that ye must not perform anything unto the Lord save in the first place ye shall pray unto the Father in the name of Christ, that he will consecrate they performance unto thee, that thy performance may be for the welfare of thy soul." (2 Nephi 32:9) For some reason it just finally had occurred to me that I was not playing to a room full of people, but I was playing to worship Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and in so doing, I would be strengthened. And acknowledging that actually did give me courage and it was easy to play that day.

Now again, I am contemplating music. I have honestly felt a void in my life where it used to be. I have searched for some way to be involved, but with Mike's schedule the way it is and no family around, it has been impossible. However, at church on Sunday I noticed a flyer for a production that another stake is putting on, and they are holding auditions not only for the cast, but the orchestra. I feel such a desire to be a part of it. But, it would mean a bit of sacrifice for my family for about a month of rehersals. Now, I am not presumptuous enough to think that I would definitely get in, but quite the opposite - it is almost like a daydream. If I could, though, I would love to do it. But is it worth putting my family through? I honestly am a firm believer in a season for all things in life - right now I need to focus on raising my kids and the rest will come later. However, this could be my last chance to actually have a chance at being in this kind of production. So what do I do? I think I am going to at least try. If I don't make it, then I won't always wonder what if. If I do, somehow, make it, I know that Mike would be willing to make it happen for me. So, here's hoping that I can fill that void in a little way. If not, it was at least fun to daydream about!

Two things making my life easier...

I have discovered two things that have made things a lot easier for me.

The first:

Now normally I might think that such a shortcut was really too much - just make your own rice already! But this is so cool. I tried one just to see and it comes out perfect. So, next time Mike is at school and it is time for dinner and Evan is pulling on my pants and Jordan is pushing me away from the stove, I will just pop one of these in the microwave to go with my dinner that is hopefully ready in the crockpot! (By the way, the vegetables are really good too! Oh, and they are on sale at our Walmart right now for only $1!)

The second:

The first few days of weaning Jordan from sleeping with his pacifier were a little rough. But one night when he wouldn't calm down and go to sleep, I decided to see if a car would do (he LOVES his cars...) He said he wanted one. Now every nap and bedtime he wants a car to sleep with. No more screaming or crying! Ah, sweet peace.

The influence of others

Jordan loves going to nursery at church. He gets so excited when we get to church that sometimes we have a really hard time getting him to sit through Sacrament meeting. I know that a large part of this is because of the nursery leader - Sister Todd. Can I tell you how amazing she is? She is so patient with the kids and you can tell that she genuinely loves her calling. She gets down and plays with the kids and lets them all know that they are important to her. I am so grateful that she is there.

We decided that at the beginning of this year we want to have our FHE lessons from the nursery manual every week. So, tonight we went over the lesson they had yesterday. In the middle of talking to Jordan about how he is a child of God, he excitedly said, "Sister Todd!" He remembered that she taught him that same lesson yesterday. I understand more now the importance of not only the influence of others around us, but of joyfully fulfilling your calling at church. Thank you everyone for your influence on my family!

Less (re)learned

My freshman year at BYU was a great time in my life. I had so much fun, made a ton of new friends, and learned a lot. But, one lesson took me the whole year to learn, and I confess that I still have to reteach it to myself.
That year was the first time I remember really thinking about what made me me and others them. I remember my friends being so excited to go a dance/social on campus. Having friends over to play games sounded a whole lot better to me. I joined College Republicans. I wasn't too concerned about my clothes or my makeup. I was still close with my parents. I couldn't stand being late to meetings, so I went by myself and saved seats a lot. I guess that year was the first time I began wondering if it was okay to be me, or if I was supposed to be like others.
Finally, at the beginning of my second year at BYU I decided that it was okay to be me. If I didn't feel like forcing myself to enjoy a packed room with blaring music, then I just didn't go, and that was okay. I found joy in my activities, friends, and everything I did. And it seemed that the less I cared if I was okay as I was, the more I was accepted.
Fast forward to three years ago. Mike and I were married and expecting Jordan. We were in a real live family ward now, not a BYU singles or married ward. I felt so intimidated. Here were so many accomplished, talented, smart, good women around me. My lesson finally learned slipped away. I started wondering who I was and what I should be. She runs, so I should too (man, I hate running though!) Her house is always clean, why do I have such a hard time keeping on top of it? She thinks that, she likes that, she does that... And trust me, it went on and on and on. I become introverted, shy, timid, self-conscious.
And now I am here. Mother of two, wife of a student, and me. After almost forgetting who I am, I am trying to learn my lesson again - I am me, and that's okay. I like what I like, I do what I enjoy, I parent how I feel is best, my weaknesses are mine. And that's okay. I have been waiting for people to tell me this - "Erica, you are you, and that is great.*" But, you know what? It doesn't matter. I need to be happy with who and what I am. No more comparing. I really enjoy reading blogs, but it seems that everyone is so organized, so creative, so perfect. Well, I am me. And no matter how hard I try right now, my house still looks like this:

Yep, that's as good as it gets, and that's okay. Neither creative nor beautiful, but it is what works for my kids.
Now, accepting me for me isn't to say that it is okay to be content with my weaknesses too. I hope that I am trying every day to not only be me, but the best me possible. And if I am, then that is great.

*Thanks to my mom for telling me this my whole life!

Lesson in parenting - doing what is best

Today is day one of the pacifier weaning. There has been much weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth...by everyone involved. In fact, I am listening to both boys cry right now. There are many times that I wish I could just give my boys everything that will make them happy. But I know that is not possible. My body can't physically hold them all day (nor could my sanity handle it!) I can't let Jordan eat candy or chocolate or fruit snacks all day. And they need to be happy without their pacifiers. Oh, but they find such comfort from them! But this is what is best for them! But isn't making them happy what is best for them? Will they be happy when they are at college still sleeping with a pacifier? Maybe! Okay, I guess not. So, I'm learning this lesson again - sometimes it seems counterintuitive - that doing what is best for your children isn't always what makes them happy in the moment. *deep breath* I can do this...

And hopefully soon I'll be seeing more of this -

I remember watching The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe when I was younger. To me it was always a kid's movie. I guess I was too young to understand then. I suppose that is why, when the new movie came out a few years ago, I definitely wasn't running out to see it. But I did. And I loved it. Then the second movie came out. We just watched it while we were in Utah this past week and I can say that I more than loved it. These movies were not just entertaining. They were spiritual to me. I got so much out of them and felt so full after watching both.

I remember when Mike and I saw The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. We must have received free movie tickets because we were at a theatre. This was in Portland, Oregon, a place that is not exactly Christian friendly. While sitting in that room, we understood the story C.S. Lewis described. We saw the atonement of Christ, His compassion and love for man. Our potential as children of God, aka sons of Adam and daughters of Eve. We couldn't help but wonder what others in that room would think if they knew the importance of the real message being presented to them that day. Would they feel the joy we felt knowing that just as Aslan freed the people of Narnia from wickedness, Christ had done the same for us on this earth? Would they rejoice even more knowing that no matter what, the cunning of evil could never triumph over the love of Christ?

A couple years later, as I watched Prince Caspian, I couldn't help but feel those same emotions of joy. Knowing that we, through Christ, have power to overcome anything. That, as Lucy was the seemingly weakest among the characters, she was the strongest because of her faith. That as Aslan returned, so too will Christ.

I decided, as part of my goal to read more, I am going to read the Chronicles of Narnia series. There is no doubt in my mind that C.S. Lewis was an inspired writer. I have begun the first. The recounting of the creation of Narnia is beautiful. I can't wait to read all seven books, to partake of their message. To be entertained and inspired.