The Third

I am resurrecting this blog.  I just want a place to get thoughts out.  It will probably usually be short, maybe silly, or who knows what else, but here I am. 

So what am I thinking about today....

A little bit ago I banished the boys to their room to pick up their books they threw all over last night when they were "sleeping."  This meant quiet time with Colette. I layed down with her on my bed and we cuddled, smiled at each other and rested.  It was lovely.  I miss being able to do that all the time and I feel guilty sometimes, thinking that just because she is a third child, she should still get as much attention as the others at this stage.  I feel it especially when she is fussing and I finally get to her and she immediately calms down and smiles and coos.  All she wants is a little Mama attention.  And oh, I love her smiles!  They are so genuine.

But, she is the third.  That means there are two crazy, hyper boys with constant demands for juice and diaper changes and lunch and play time...  And so I can't give all my time to my sweet baby girl.  But she will be okay, I know, and soon she will be running around as one of those crazy kids with tons of demands.  I look forward to it and dread her growing so fast at the same time.  So I will enjoy the brief moments of quiet with her now while she is still so little. 

And maybe someday soon I will get better at juggling three kids... 

(and the boys are still downstairs "cleaning", an hour later.  I may get more quiet time with Colette when she wakes up at the rate they are going!)

"Before I can say I am, I was."

I am so inspired by good writing - the kind that gives you something to think about without making you try too hard. And I love writing that sounds beautiful. Anyway, I started reading our book group book for next month - Angle of Repose by Wallace Stegner. I am only four pages in, but I am already inspired. Here are some thoughts:

"I started to establish the present and the present moved on. What I established is already buried under layers of tape. Before I can say I am, I was. Heraclitus and I, prophets of flux, know that the flux is composed of parts that imitate and repeat each other. Am or was, I am cumulative too...I am much of what my parents and expecially my grandparents were...I believe in Time, as they did, and in the life chronological rather than the life existenial. We live in time and through it."

What he is talking about is his desire to learn of, about, and from his ancestors, those who helped shape who he is. But his grown children think he is crazy and believe that time is the present, that the past is just that.

This past weekend we went to Phoenix to celebrate my nieces' birthdays. We also were able to visit my grandparents. I am so impressed with the work they are doing. They are indexing thousands of records and have completed so much of their own family history - my family history. But they haven't just collected names, they have collected stories, experiences and photos. I was able to read some while I was there and I am so excited for those they are going to send me. What strikes me the most, however, is the feeling I get when I learn of those from whom I came. I feel pride in hearing about their triumphs, strength to know that I can overcome as well, and encouragement to be who I can be - someone like them because I came from them.

I have wondered before and I did again this weekend why it seems that we only find interest in our ancestors when we get older. I know part of it is availability of time, but I think we can become so wrapped up in making our own lives that we forget those who have helped shape those lives, whose lives can offer lessons. I can say that something insided me shouted "YES!" when I read the passage I quoted that described life as chronological, not existential. It is easy to look to our parents, or even our grandparents as our forebearers and I respect them so much and have learned so much from their examples. But I want to dive deeper. So here I am, resolved to learn more about those who made me, to let them teach me and inspire me.

I've got to do it

Okay, I am not one to talk, especially on a blog, about pop culture. I find most of it absolutely ridiculous and therefore not worth talking about. But there is one thing that I am so disturbed by that I am going to talk about it. When I had cable I used to watch "Jon and Kate Plus 8" and now we all know what happened there - drama and divorce. Now he is off party hopping around the world with different women on his arm, piercing his ears, smoking, buying sports cars, etc. He essentially is trying to gain back his youth and freedom. He stated many times in the show that he was too young to have as much responsibility as he does. But here's the problem - he chose to have that responisbility. He chose to get married. He chose to have kids. And with those choices comes responsibility. (Now, I know that maybe there are other issues at play and this could be simplistic, but I think we can agree that his actions are pretty irresponsible.) Fortunately for those kids, they have a mother that is completely devoted to them.

I love seeing people embrace the responsibility of children - who have them and don't begrudge the change in lifestyle. Because a change of lifestyle it is. You are no longer free. You have responsibilities that you can't just lock in a cage like a pet. But you also have extreme joy, growth, and love. Don't get me wrong, there are times when I look at the door and consider just walking out. But you can't find what children and family give you in parties, wealth or fame - or in anything else for that matter. But you have to sacrifice yourself to find those things. And you won't regret it. There is time in life for everything. Some day your kids won't be young and demanding and you will have time for all the pursuits you dream of. But there will not be another time to wrestle your little kids on the floor, sing with them when they are silly or hold them close with they are sad. And that is what I remember when both my boys are yelling at each other or whining at me all day - someday they will be grown and I will long to have them young again.

Look out world!

So, I have been self-reflective today. It has been one of those times when I decide that I have to change. And so I am going to. I have to...I am bugging myself!

Here is the thing. For some reason I have always devalued myself, as in my opinions, ideas, preferences, etc. If someone disagrees with me, I just assume that I am the wrong one, at least in that conversation. I don't know why, but for some reason I have decided that everyone else is more qualified for life. I think that is why I struggle to keep up with this blog. I feel like no one should care about what I think about anything and I don't want to be presumptuous enough to think they do.

Also, if anyone voices a preference for doing something one way or wanting something, I will always go with that instead of what is best for me. Most times it doesn't matter and I am happy to do what is best for them, but sometimes I am terribly inconvienced because I feel like I cannot impose my preferences on anyone.

But I am done. I'm not going to swing too far mind you, but I am going to change. I think this is why I have always been a homebody - I am me when I am at home, either with my parents or my husband. I am confident in my ideas, opinions, actions and desires. But for some reason that stops when I walk out the door.

Not any more though. I have ideas, good ones in fact. I have opinions about life and they are just as valid as anyone else's, and it is okay if they don't agree. And sometimes it is okay to do things the way that is best for me. Okay, now I just need to keep saying these things to myself until I can do it. I really don't know why I feel like I am not as valid as anyone else, but I am working on it. Fortunately I am married to a psychologist who can help me with assertiveness. Wish me luck!

I'm a changed woman!

I got to go out by myself for a bit today. It was great, a trip to the craft store without screaming kids grabbing every spool of ribbon they see! As I was driving home, classical music turned up loud, I was quite enjoying myself. And then I saw a garbage truck and got really excited about it, but stopped short of pointing it out to Jordan, who wasn't in the car. Point being, they have me trained. I get excited to see garbage trucks now. Every time we go out Jordan exclaims, "we going to see garbage trucks?!" And I tell him I don't know if they are out. "Can we see garbage trucks?!" Then I remind him that if he looks around maybe he will. So whenever we are out and about we look for garbage trucks and excitedly point them out to each other. So, there you have it. Garbage trucks excite me. Oh, and if you ask me at any given point in the day what song is in my head, it will 9 times out of 10 be a kids song, probably Doodlebops. Man, those songs are catchy!

What to do!

I am kind of stuck. For a while I wanted projects to work on, books to read, or just something to fill my time. And now I have too many. Too many, in fact, that I have a hard time actually accomplishing much on any one thing. And, apparently that includes blogging! Somehow I need to cut it down or strategize. But I love projects! I love having something to create. So how do I decide?
I have recently discovered how to make blog backgrounds, and I love doing it. I love mixing up colors and patterns. At any rate, it gives me a chance to try something new and learn to be a bit more creative. I kind of think it would be fun to start one of the blogs that has backgrounds to use, but it isn’t a necessary project…
I am also learning to sew right now, and I am finding out that it is going to take a bit of practice to get it down. But I have so many things I want to make. I have realized that I am getting pickier about what I want, yet cheaper at the same time, which makes for a difficult combination. So, I want to learn to make what I want!
I also love reading. I can’t stop, which is why I need to cut down, actually! I just picked up two more large books to read and I reserved my book group book for next month. It is so fun to immerse myself into a good story.
Oh, I haven’t touched my scrapbooking. I am so far behind that I am afraid I may never catch up!
But how do I do it all? I have found that when I have so many things that I want to do that my days are a little more stressful because I want to get to other things. But during the day, I need to focus on my boys and house. So how do I find the balance? Do I give some of it up? Do I make a schedule? How do I learn the patience to wait until there is time? Oh, and how do I find the energy to keep up after a day with my boys?! Any tips?

Growing older...

I've been thinking a lot about my age lately. I honestly thought it would never bother me to be getting to thirty. Often maturity and abilities are judged by age and so I've always wanted to get to that age when no one can say, "well you don't know because you are young..." I suppose it is just vanity, but I wanted to achieve the respect that comes with age. But now that it is coming, I'm not so sure.
This year I will turn 29. Next, 30. Wow, even writing it sends me into shock! I am afraid that I looked forward so much to maturity that I didn't fully enjoy youth. I did fully enjoy my college years, so I suppose this all started when I got married and had kids - I felt like I should be older and more mature. So, I am setting a goal to act my age, to have fun and worry a little less about how people perceive me in this season of life. Right now I don't have to run kids around to every activity, be in the PTA or make a name for myself in the community. More importantly, I don't have to be perfect in order to prove to people that I am mature and capable, even in my twenties. It doesn't matter. Right now I get to run around with my kids, learn new skills and just do my best at whatever I do.