Daydreaming in Pink

The Third

2010-08-04T10:08:00.000-07:00

I am resurrecting this blog. I just want a place to get thoughts out. It will probably usually be short, maybe silly, or who knows what else, but here I am.

So what am I thinking about today....

A little bit ago I banished the boys to their room to pick up their books they threw all over last night when they were "sleeping." This meant quiet time with Colette. I layed down with her on my bed and we cuddled, smiled at each other and rested. It was lovely. I miss being able to do that all the time and I feel guilty sometimes, thinking that just because she is a third child, she should still get as much attention as the others at this stage. I feel it especially when she is fussing and I finally get to her and she immediately calms down and smiles and coos. All she wants is a little Mama attention. And oh, I love her smiles! They are so genuine.

But, she is the third. That means there are two crazy, hyper boys with constant demands for juice and diaper changes and lunch and play time... And so I can't give all my time to my sweet baby girl. But she will be okay, I know, and soon she will be running around as one of those crazy kids with tons of demands. I look forward to it and dread her growing so fast at the same time. So I will enjoy the brief moments of quiet with her now while she is still so little.

And maybe someday soon I will get better at juggling three kids...

(and the boys are still downstairs "cleaning", an hour later. I may get more quiet time with Colette when she wakes up at the rate they are going!)

"Before I can say I am, I was."

2009-07-27T12:50:00.000-07:00

I am so inspired by good writing - the kind that gives you something to think about without making you try too hard. And I love writing that sounds beautiful. Anyway, I started reading our book group book for next month - Angle of Repose by Wallace Stegner. I am only four pages in, but I am already inspired. Here are some thoughts:

"I started to establish the present and the present moved on. What I established is already buried under layers of tape. Before I can say I am, I was. Heraclitus and I, prophets of flux, know that the flux is composed of parts that imitate and repeat each other. Am or was, I am cumulative too...I am much of what my parents and expecially my grandparents were...I believe in Time, as they did, and in the life chronological rather than the life existenial. We live in time and through it."

What he is talking about is his desire to learn of, about, and from his ancestors, those who helped shape who he is. But his grown children think he is crazy and believe that time is the present, that the past is just that.

This past weekend we went to Phoenix to celebrate my nieces' birthdays. We also were able to visit my grandparents. I am so impressed with the work they are doing. They are indexing thousands of records and have completed so much of their own family history - my family history. But they haven't just collected names, they have collected stories, experiences and photos. I was able to read some while I was there and I am so excited for those they are going to send me. What strikes me the most, however, is the feeling I get when I learn of those from whom I came. I feel pride in hearing about their triumphs, strength to know that I can overcome as well, and encouragement to be who I can be - someone like them because I came from them.

I have wondered before and I did again this weekend why it seems that we only find interest in our ancestors when we get older. I know part of it is availability of time, but I think we can become so wrapped up in making our own lives that we forget those who have helped shape those lives, whose lives can offer lessons. I can say that something insided me shouted "YES!" when I read the passage I quoted that described life as chronological, not existential. It is easy to look to our parents, or even our grandparents as our forebearers and I respect them so much and have learned so much from their examples. But I want to dive deeper. So here I am, resolved to learn more about those who made me, to let them teach me and inspire me.

I've got to do it

2009-07-24T08:10:00.000-07:00

Okay, I am not one to talk, especially on a blog, about pop culture. I find most of it absolutely ridiculous and therefore not worth talking about. But there is one thing that I am so disturbed by that I am going to talk about it. When I had cable I used to watch "Jon and Kate Plus 8" and now we all know what happened there - drama and divorce. Now he is off party hopping around the world with different women on his arm, piercing his ears, smoking, buying sports cars, etc. He essentially is trying to gain back his youth and freedom. He stated many times in the show that he was too young to have as much responsibility as he does. But here's the problem - he chose to have that responisbility. He chose to get married. He chose to have kids. And with those choices comes responsibility. (Now, I know that maybe there are other issues at play and this could be simplistic, but I think we can agree that his actions are pretty irresponsible.) Fortunately for those kids, they have a mother that is completely devoted to them.

I love seeing people embrace the responsibility of children - who have them and don't begrudge the change in lifestyle. Because a change of lifestyle it is. You are no longer free. You have responsibilities that you can't just lock in a cage like a pet. But you also have extreme joy, growth, and love. Don't get me wrong, there are times when I look at the door and consider just walking out. But you can't find what children and family give you in parties, wealth or fame - or in anything else for that matter. But you have to sacrifice yourself to find those things. And you won't regret it. There is time in life for everything. Some day your kids won't be young and demanding and you will have time for all the pursuits you dream of. But there will not be another time to wrestle your little kids on the floor, sing with them when they are silly or hold them close with they are sad. And that is what I remember when both my boys are yelling at each other or whining at me all day - someday they will be grown and I will long to have them young again.

Look out world!

2009-07-22T22:36:00.000-07:00

So, I have been self-reflective today. It has been one of those times when I decide that I have to change. And so I am going to. I have to...I am bugging myself!

Here is the thing. For some reason I have always devalued myself, as in my opinions, ideas, preferences, etc. If someone disagrees with me, I just assume that I am the wrong one, at least in that conversation. I don't know why, but for some reason I have decided that everyone else is more qualified for life. I think that is why I struggle to keep up with this blog. I feel like no one should care about what I think about anything and I don't want to be presumptuous enough to think they do.

Also, if anyone voices a preference for doing something one way or wanting something, I will always go with that instead of what is best for me. Most times it doesn't matter and I am happy to do what is best for them, but sometimes I am terribly inconvienced because I feel like I cannot impose my preferences on anyone.

But I am done. I'm not going to swing too far mind you, but I am going to change. I think this is why I have always been a homebody - I am me when I am at home, either with my parents or my husband. I am confident in my ideas, opinions, actions and desires. But for some reason that stops when I walk out the door.

Not any more though. I have ideas, good ones in fact. I have opinions about life and they are just as valid as anyone else's, and it is okay if they don't agree. And sometimes it is okay to do things the way that is best for me. Okay, now I just need to keep saying these things to myself until I can do it. I really don't know why I feel like I am not as valid as anyone else, but I am working on it. Fortunately I am married to a psychologist who can help me with assertiveness. Wish me luck!

I'm a changed woman!

2009-07-11T22:52:00.000-07:00

I got to go out by myself for a bit today. It was great, a trip to the craft store without screaming kids grabbing every spool of ribbon they see! As I was driving home, classical music turned up loud, I was quite enjoying myself. And then I saw a garbage truck and got really excited about it, but stopped short of pointing it out to Jordan, who wasn't in the car. Point being, they have me trained. I get excited to see garbage trucks now. Every time we go out Jordan exclaims, "we going to see garbage trucks?!" And I tell him I don't know if they are out. "Can we see garbage trucks?!" Then I remind him that if he looks around maybe he will. So whenever we are out and about we look for garbage trucks and excitedly point them out to each other. So, there you have it. Garbage trucks excite me. Oh, and if you ask me at any given point in the day what song is in my head, it will 9 times out of 10 be a kids song, probably Doodlebops. Man, those songs are catchy!

What to do!

2009-07-08T21:49:00.001-07:00

I am kind of stuck. For a while I wanted projects to work on, books to read, or just something to fill my time. And now I have too many. Too many, in fact, that I have a hard time actually accomplishing much on any one thing. And, apparently that includes blogging! Somehow I need to cut it down or strategize. But I love projects! I love having something to create. So how do I decide?
I have recently discovered how to make blog backgrounds, and I love doing it. I love mixing up colors and patterns. At any rate, it gives me a chance to try something new and learn to be a bit more creative. I kind of think it would be fun to start one of the blogs that has backgrounds to use, but it isn’t a necessary project…
I am also learning to sew right now, and I am finding out that it is going to take a bit of practice to get it down. But I have so many things I want to make. I have realized that I am getting pickier about what I want, yet cheaper at the same time, which makes for a difficult combination. So, I want to learn to make what I want!
I also love reading. I can’t stop, which is why I need to cut down, actually! I just picked up two more large books to read and I reserved my book group book for next month. It is so fun to immerse myself into a good story.
Oh, I haven’t touched my scrapbooking. I am so far behind that I am afraid I may never catch up!
But how do I do it all? I have found that when I have so many things that I want to do that my days are a little more stressful because I want to get to other things. But during the day, I need to focus on my boys and house. So how do I find the balance? Do I give some of it up? Do I make a schedule? How do I learn the patience to wait until there is time? Oh, and how do I find the energy to keep up after a day with my boys?! Any tips?

Growing older...

2009-07-02T18:49:00.001-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about my age lately. I honestly thought it would never bother me to be getting to thirty. Often maturity and abilities are judged by age and so I've always wanted to get to that age when no one can say, "well you don't know because you are young..." I suppose it is just vanity, but I wanted to achieve the respect that comes with age. But now that it is coming, I'm not so sure.
This year I will turn 29. Next, 30. Wow, even writing it sends me into shock! I am afraid that I looked forward so much to maturity that I didn't fully enjoy youth. I did fully enjoy my college years, so I suppose this all started when I got married and had kids - I felt like I should be older and more mature. So, I am setting a goal to act my age, to have fun and worry a little less about how people perceive me in this season of life. Right now I don't have to run kids around to every activity, be in the PTA or make a name for myself in the community. More importantly, I don't have to be perfect in order to prove to people that I am mature and capable, even in my twenties. It doesn't matter. Right now I get to run around with my kids, learn new skills and just do my best at whatever I do.

Just a thought...

2009-06-08T22:52:00.000-07:00

It has been a while. I feel like I am having a hard time sifting through my thoughts, at least in any way that would be coherent! So, I am posting a quote I found and loved. Enjoy!

“In order to qualify for exaltation in the celestial kingdom, we must gain the trust of the Lord here on earth. We gain the trust of the Lord through earning it, and that is accomplished through our actual performance in living His gospel and keeping our covenants. In other words, we earn the trust of the Lord by doing His will.” - Elder Richard J. Maynes, Nov. 2004 Ensign

The magic is fading

2009-05-30T23:08:00.000-07:00

I love being a mom. I love being the center of their worlds as much as they are mine. As such, I have held a super power - healing. Until recently, not matter how Jordan got hurt, a kiss from me and he was up and better. But things are changing. He is getting older. He understands more. Now when I kiss his pain, he looks at me with a questioning face and says, "it still hurts..."

Fortunately, whenever Evan gets hurt he puts his hand on his head (no matter where he is hurt) and runs to me for a magical kiss, the kind that makes him all better.

Who are you?

2009-05-29T19:05:00.000-07:00

We lost our cable a couple weeks ago so I find myself watching shows every once in a while that I normally wouldn't. The other day it was Dr. Phil (my husband hates Dr. Phil, so I guess a little has rubbed off...) The former Miss Washington was on speaking about how pictures were stolen off her computer, put on the internet, and used against her ending in losing her title. They were taken on an evening with friends when she was being "silly" as she said. She was flipping off the camera, drinking, etc while wearing her crown. She defended herself by saying that she should not be judged by things she does with good friends, when no one else is watching - it isn't who she really is.

Her argument reminded me of a quote I found when I was reading a conference talk the other day:

"We need to be aquainted with the promptings of the Holy Ghost, and we need to practice and apply gospel teachings until they become natural and automatic... Elder Oaks said, 'Testimony is to know and to feel, conversion is to do and to become.'" - Elder Allan F. Packer

I think the essence of who we are is who we become based on what we believe and practice. And that is what you do and are at all times, when people are looking and when people are not. So if you behave some way, in any circumstance, that is a part of who you are. (As an aside, I know we all make mistakes and sometimes do things we regret...I am speaking here generally.) I know that as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I hope that my actions, thoughts, speech and behavior, are consistant at all times with my beliefs and testimony of Jesus Christ and his gospel. As we are converted more and more, who we become will be what we believe. I love that.

Influence

2009-05-21T19:38:00.000-07:00

I saw a commercial the other day that set me off thinking. It showed a family together in a room that was full of the father's guitars. One of the daughters, who was about 8 or 9 years old was wearing guitar earings and singing into a microphone. My first thought was that she must like guitars because her father does. I know, not terribly profound. But I thought of all the things that I liked, disliked, and such that were influenced by my parents.

When I was younger my dad and I watched sports together, especially NASCAR. I loved NASCAR - in fact, I still get all excited when I see it. I know I liked it because my dad did. And I love the memories of experiencing that together.

Our interests and passions influence our children. I felt a bit overwhelmed by this whole thought process. What will I pass on to my kids. What do I like that they will like? Music, politics, silliness (well, that one for sure!) Then I remembered an experience I had as a teenager.

My mom has always been a great example to me of faith. I remembered her always reading her scriptures, having gospel discussions with me, getting excited for temple trips, and the like. One Sunday, I think when we were close to moving from Maine, we had testimony meeting in Young Women, where my mom was president. I bore mine and I remember one of the leaders commenting that my testimony reminded them of my mother. I was so proud. I hope that among all those things that I might influence my kids to like, that foremost is to love the gospel and have unwavering faith. I know without a doubt that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is true, and I hope they will too.

Inspiration

2009-05-19T22:50:00.000-07:00

I read this quote tonight, and was so inspired. This is what I want to be:

“God planted within women something divine that expresses itself in quiet strength, in refinement, in peace, in goodness, in virtue, in truth, in love. And all of these remarkable qualities find their truest and most satisfying expression in motherhood.” –Gordon B. Hinckley

Life gets challenging and sometimes I am not who I want to be. I get frustrated more than I want to when the boys won't listen, I am impatient more often than I want and can see so many things I want to improve. I find, though, that when I remember who I could be, it is easier for me to be it. Does that make sense? What I mean is that when I remember the divine nature and potential that I have as a woman, I want to live up to it. I want to find a little more patience, be a little kinder, be calmer, do a little more. I want to be incredibly good. So, here is my inspiration, my quest to be better, to live up to what my Heavenly Father wants me to be, and what I want to be. And most importantly, I am going to try harder to be the mother I want to be. Wish me luck!

What a day.

2009-05-11T21:24:00.000-07:00

My day today was...well...less than great. It was just one of those days.

The day actually started pretty well. The boys woke up before 6:00, but Mike got up with them and woke me up at 7:30 with breakfast because we weren't home yesterday for Mother's Day. That was pretty nice.

Next, I needed to run errands. Most importantly, I needed to get light-blocking curtains for the boys' rooms so they will sleep past 5:45 am! So, I went to Target because I needed to get a couple of other things there too. And Evan fussed the whole time. And they didn't have curtains. So off to Ross. Found two curtain rods, one missing screws, but that made it really cheap. Jordan screamed (literally) the whole time. Went to Walmart, got curtains. Jordan screamed the whole time.

Then, after lunch, we all took a nap.

After the boys woke up I decided to fix our vacuum that broke last week. I started it up and our house filled with burned rubber smoke. It wasn't the belt that was the problem but I burned through another one. Now here is where the next problem for the day is - we are not handy people. So, since I didn't know what could be the problem, I headed back to Target, because in trying to fix the vacuum, I dumped a bunch of dust and dirt on the floor thinking I would just vacuum it up! Jordan and Evan both screamed the whole time on this trip. I bought a vacuum then got to talk to my mom. We came up with what was wrong with my other vacuum and I fixed it! Then it broke again, leaving junk all over the carpet I just vacuumed. Good times.

Oh, and did I mention Evan's 4 dirty diapers and Jordan's 2 for the day?

Then Mike got home and after dinner we tried to hang the curtains that I chased down this morning. And, after one broken drill bit and half a screw broken into the wall, we gave up for the evening.

After the boy's bath and prayer I was just sitting on the floor too exhausted and frustrated with my day to get up yet. Then Jordan came over and tried to make me laugh and smile. And it worked.

Sometimes I get overwhelmed with how hard everything is to do with kids, especially my kids. They aren't the sit quiet types. Anyway, they always remind me how worth it it is to be a mom. It is a sacrifice. Things are harder. And sometimes I really just don't want to deal with them. But I am always so happy that they are mine, that I get be with them every day.

It all started with one day.

2009-05-06T13:44:00.000-07:00

Four years ago, we were married. It was a perfect day...well except for the temple guide that kept harshly telling me what to do! We had a brunch, were married, and had our reception. We were surrounded by friends and family. We were happy.

I think of how different our lives are now. We have moved two times, Mike has a Master's degree, we have aged and have experienced four years of married life - we have become one. Most of all, we have our amazing little boys. It is hard to imagine that the two people in this picture don't know Jordan's happy, social little self, or Evan's thoughtful, silly personality.
I think that is the most amazing thing about the Plan of Salvation - it truly is the plan of happiness. To know that what was started that day, forming an eternal bond, means that we have sealed our children to us forever, those children we only hoped for then. And that makes us truly happy.

One hot summer week...

2009-05-05T23:05:00.001-07:00

We have been running fans here a lot lately because it is already in the 90's, and I have to say that I love the sound of a fan. It is a happy summer sound. But now that sound always takes me back to one moment in time - the week after Jordan was born.

Jordan was born at the end of June in Oregon during a heat wave. Some friends of ours in the ward were so kind to us and gave us an air conditioner for our window. We were so grateful for that air conditioner because we could keep our newborn cool and happy. Anyway, my delivery with Jordan was pretty awful. Hours and hours of laboring, 4 1/2 hours of pushing and finally a c-section. Needless to say, I felt horrible. But that week after he was born is still one of my happiest memories. My mom was in town to help, which meant taking care of me (there is something wonderful about being taken care of by your mom, no matter how old you are). I had my sweet little Jordan and Mike was at home with us taking a bit of a break from school. So, my mind has wandered to that happy time many, many times lately, and I am so glad to have such a happy memory.

What I can do

2009-05-02T21:12:00.000-07:00

As I have said before, I used to be really active in the Republican Party when I was in college. But after I married and had kids, I turned off politics. I found myself too riled up all the time and needed a break. But then something changed. I think a lot of times we women generally focus inward towards our families. However, the way things are going, we can’t ignore what the government is doing that not only threaten our country, but our families as well. And so I want to get involved again. But I found that I’m not sure where I fit. I am a conservative but the Republican Party is getting less and less conservative. On the other hand I do feel that government is good for some things, just not as much as they think they are good for.

So I talked with Mike about what I want to do. I want to be involved again, but in what and doing what? Then I had a thought. I think that whether or not you believe the two-party system is good or bad, it is here to stay. But, what if we try to influence the party we feel most closely resembles what we believe, starting at the bottom? We get involved in our precincts, go to conventions where party platforms and candidates are decided. Vote in our primaries, propose changes to party ideas, run for local office if possible. If people do this, we can change the direction of our party and hopefully our state and country.

Anyway, that is my idea and I can do it while taking care of my family.

The little things

2009-05-01T23:15:00.000-07:00

I am so happy to be a stay-at-home mom. I have been reading Dr. Laura's new book, and I am going to talk about that more later (exciting, huh!) But I have been thinking a lot lately about how much I love being at home and hearing Jordan develop. He says the funniest things.
For example, today I was changing yet another dirty diaper - seriously, it can't be normal how many dirty diapers I change in a day - and Jordan walked up to Evan and said, "no more dirty diapers today Evan!"
Earlier that day he was telling me he wanted "a different else." I love that he gets what things mean and experiments with putting them together.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I love being here to hear these little moments. Maybe they seem mundane, but to me they are extraordinary.
Then tonight I watched my boys play with their dad. They laughed and ran and had such a good time. And I can tell you that there in NO other joy greater than watching your family be happy together. No "me time" activity is better than being in a happy home together. And I am so grateful to give my time - full time - to that pursuit.

My life...

2009-04-29T22:38:00.000-07:00

The past few weeks have been crazy busy for me. I had the blessing of being a part of Savior of the World here in Las Vegas, and I absolutely loved it. I loved getting to play my flute again, and more importantly, I loved getting to do it in a way to worship. Every show I felt myself getting emotional as the cast and choir sang “Jesus Once of Humble Birth.” I have no doubt that Christ is the Savior of the world, that He lived and died for us to find eternal joy.

One other reason I wanted to be a part of this production was to take back a bit of me. I find such fulfillment through music. I love joining others to create something so beautiful. So for me, this opportunity was a sanity saver. I reclaimed a part of me. But, in doing so, I was gone most nights for over three weeks. And though I crave small breaks from the constant demands of little children, I found myself missing them so much. I missed being at home to put them to bed, to do “mama time” with my boys. I wondered if I was being selfish by taking that time away from them.

But I realized that I was a better mom for getting to do something for me. It seems cliché to say, but true. I found more joy in being at home and I appreciated them more.

I think the key is, as with everything, finding balance. In this season of my life, my main focus, priority, and time consumer is my family, my kids. And I am perfectly okay with that. But, at the same time, I need to have bits of time when I can do those things that give me personal joy. That is the hardest thing for me to concede actually, more so than giving up everything for them. I have to learn to and practice giving myself time to do what I enjoy.

I would, however, never change anything about where I am at. I absolutely adore my boys. And I am so glad that I have my two little boys that are 18 months apart and getting to be such good friends. Honestly, it was really hard for a while having them so close (and I know people have done closer…) and so active and demanding. But it was most definitely worth it. I love watching them laugh and play together. And I can deal with the fighting for those happy moments.

Focusing on the life of the Savior for a concentrated amount of time was truly a blessing. It reminded me that through Him it is possible for us to live with our families forever. And I am so grateful for that.

It isn't just a justification...I promise!

2009-04-13T22:59:00.000-07:00

I know what I am about to say will probably make many moms shudder, but I let my kids eat lunch on our couch. I know, awful. But there's a reason...another confession. I want them to watch tv. I am a huge fan of PBS. They have great shows for kids, especially the ones around lunch time - Word World, Super Why, and Sid the Science Kid (they don't watch all of them everyday, just whichever is on when they eat lunch). Jordan actually knows the sounds of about ten letters because of these shows. I know in a perfect world I would be teaching him these sounds myself, but I do practice them with him. The boys both love these shows. Jordan will repeat letters, sounds, and science ideas that he learns. So, I like them having that time...and I feel less guilty about getting to eat my lunch in peace in the kitchen.

As an aside, I think I am going to start doing phonics with Jordan. He loves learning, especially about letters and the little bit we go over from these shows he gets really excited about. We are teaching him that different letters make different words, and I think he will get it. I don't think he will be reading any time soon, nor will I try to make him, I just think he would really enjoy it. I learned how to read with the Spalding phonics program and I am excited to share with him the phonics cards I grew up with and actually enjoyed. So, we will see how it goes.

I know, I know...

2009-04-08T22:19:00.001-07:00

...I am a broken record. I don't know why I feel so strongly about family, and especially women's role in it, but I do, so it is on my mind a lot. As I was trying to decide if I should keep writing about the same subjet over and over, I thought about a quote that was in last month's visiting teaching message by Julie B. Beck, "As a disciple of Jesus Christ, every woman in this Church is given the responsibility for upholding, nurturing, and protecting families... And as a covenant-keeping Latter-day Saint woman, you know that raising your voice in defense of the doctrine of the family is critical to the strength of families the world over." It is our duty to defend families, especially now. So, here we go again.

Dr. Laura has a new book coming out, so she has been interviewed many times on the news shows I like to watch. Now I am not a 100% fan of her's, but I do agree with a lot of what she says, and more importantly, completely respect her defense of the family in our society today. Anyway, her new book is called In Praise of Stay-at-home Moms. She explained that one of the biggest reasons she wanted to write this book is because the world, especially women, view stay-at-home moms so negatively - as lazy, unintelligent, unimportant, unambitious, etc. But the most fulfilling thing we can do as women is have children, nurture them, and raise them. So, she wanted to recognize women who do that. Now I know that there are some women who do not have a choice as to whether or not they have to work. I am no judge. I do know, however, that in our world, the vast majority of women are chosing to work.

I think there are a couple things at work here. I think one major factor is that our world is very materialistic. Instead of a person's worth being measured by who they are - their character, values, etc - they are measured by what positions they hold and how much money and how many things they have. Therefore, to live up to this view from the world, a woman needs to work to afford the life that is deemed "successful." Dr. Laura talked a bit about this too, that being a stay-at-home mom requires sacrifice, no matter what your situation because you are giving up two incomes for one. But it is all in your attitude. Instead of eating out, having a picnic somewhere is just as worthwhile, and well within the budget of a one-income family, for example.

Another force I see behind this trend is the value of women in society. I read a talk by Sheri Dew years ago that I loved so much I typed up segments of it and taped it in my scriptures so I would have easy access to it. One thing she stated in it was, "Satan, of course, knows how spiritually potent the knowledge of our divine identity is. He hates us because of the influence we have on husbands and children, family and friends, the Church and even the world. It is no secret to him that we are the Lord's secret weapon...He wants us to believe that there is no status in being a mother. That is a lie, an evil lie. He wants us to believe that the influence of women is inherently inferior. And that is a lie." And what success has been had on that front. Our world has said that for a woman to mean anything, she has to be like a man, live like a man, work like a man. In contrast, we are taught to, "find nobility in motherhood and joy in womanhood" (Relief Society theme). We are women for a reason. We need to embrace our inherencies, our strengths, our abilities as women, and find joy in them. And we need to remind the world that women, living as women, are important and valuable to society, integral in fact.

I am so proud to be a woman. I know I have said it before, but it wasn't always so and I regret that. But I understand now the priviledge that is ours as women. I can honestly say that I have had NO greater joy in life than I have had in motherhood. And I think that is our blessing as women, to experience that joy and be the center of our families and homes. And I want the world to know it. I am a stay-at-home mom and that makes me a very imortant person. I am raising my children who will influence the world.

Strength

2009-04-06T23:05:00.000-07:00

Maybe I am a broken record. I don't know. I just feel such a need to focus on the importance of women - strong, faithful women. I think too many times we feel unimportant, imperfect, and not useful enough. I know I do. So maybe my focus is really a self-indulgent way to strengthen myself. But I feel compelled by it. We NEED to know how important we are. We need to be good. We need to be strong. And most importantly, we need to be actively engaged in good things - raising our families, giving service, being righteous. We need to know of our importance and live it. We need to view ourselves in terms of our potential and the good we do, and not by our weaknesses and shortcomings. In doing so, I think we will be more motivated, willing, and able to do be active in making the world better. In that light, here is a quote I heard the other day and loved:

"Dear sisters, our beloved associates in this work, in “such a time as this” may I plead with you never to underestimate or undervalue your divine role both as personal, powerful contributors to the kingdom of God and as the nurturers and benefactors of His “little ones,” who will yet have such a divine impact on the unfolding of this work. I fear that virtually nothing—or at least not much—that the world says to you acknowledges your divine role as women. I am reminded that throughout the creation sequence of Genesis God viewed His work, including the creation of man, and called it “good.” But for the one and only time in that creation story He then said something was “not good.” He said it was not good that man should be alone. In short the Creation, even with Adam, was incomplete. Here I invoke President Gordon B. Hinckley’s language: “As His final creation, the crowning of His glorious work, He created woman. I like to regard Eve as His masterpiece after all that had gone before, the final [great] work before He rested from His labors.” I join my testimony to President Hinckley’s in that assessment. Surely it must have been at this point, with so much that was “good” having been done and having remedied the one thing that was “not good,” He could say after Eve’s arrival it was all “very good.” In this great eternal work women have carried the torch of faith and family from the beginning. The need for that torch to burn brightly and dispel the darkness has never been greater than “in this time.” Little wonder that the Prophet Joseph said, “If you live up to your privileges, the angels cannot be restrained from being your associates.” The scriptures speak of women being “elect.” What a powerful doctrinal and covenantal term! And who “elects” you? You do!—and so does God Himself, who has all the joy and delight of a father in you as His daughter, you who pass on light and hope, pass on life itself and a glorious gospel legacy until the work is finished." - Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

An alter-ego

2009-04-05T23:52:00.000-07:00

Do you have alter-egos? You know, someone or something deep inside of you that wants to be somewhere or someone different. Not that you would choose that over what you have, but you let them come out every once in a while in a daydream?

Here is mine:

I am in Paris, slowing walking down the streets, taking in the sight and sounds with a camera in my hand and perfect French at my disposal.

Here is my trigger:

I have this large picture of Paris in my bedroom and when I have an idle moment, I find myself on one of the bridges looking out over the Seine. And my journey begins.

But I would never trade that for spending the day with my boys. It is just something to daydream about.

Hope

2009-03-30T23:00:00.001-07:00

"Hope is a gift of the Spirit. It is a hope that through the Atonement of Jesus Christ and the power or His Resurrection, we shall be raised unto life eternal and this because of our faith in the Savior. This kind of hope is both a principle of promise as well as a commandment, and, as with all commandments, we have the responsibility to make it an active part of our lives and overcome the temptation to lose hope... Hope is not knowledge, but rather the abiding trust that the Lord will fulfill His promise to us. It is confidence that if we live according to God's laws and the words of His prophets now, we will receive desired blessings in the future. It is believing and expecting that our prayers will be answered. It is manifest in confidence, optimism, enthusiasm, and patient perseverence." - President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

I have been reading conference talks and I read this one today. I actually read it right before I watched the political shows I like to watch. It was a great prelude because President Uchtdorf's words put everything back into the right perspective. Despite all that is going on in our world, we can still have hope - hope in Christ, His promises, and the blessings waiting for us. Above all, because of Christ and His gospel, we can always find peace, happiness, and hope because we know that there is so much more than the troubles of this world. I feel so truly peaceful when I read over this quote because I know that the most important thing I can do right now is actively maintain my hope in Christ, and that everything will be okay. And that makes me very happy.

The itch...

2009-03-29T22:13:00.000-07:00

I know I can't claim Maine as home, having only lived there for four years, but it has always stayed with me and I often find myself thinking about it, daydreaming about being there. My parents bought a book about Maine while we were there, and I always remember the quotes inside that spoke about carrying Maine with you even when you leave and longing to return. That is me. I love everything about Maine.

So, as I said, I think about Maine often. Eventually, that thinking leads to a full-on itch - a definite need to get back. That's where I am at. I have the itch. It has been five years since I was there last, and I cannot wait to get back. I am so excited to show Mike my favorite places; to watch my boys run on the beach; to find a farm and pick some strawberries; and to feel that happy, simple lifestyle that is Maine. So, we'll see how long I can hold out. If any of you are lucky enough to take a great vacation this summer, might I recommend Maine? One warning though - once you go, you'll have get back. You won't forget it, I promise you that.

Ah, yes

2009-03-26T22:49:00.000-07:00

"In righteousness there is great simplicity. In every case that confronts us in life there is either a right way or a wrong way to proceed. If we choose the right way, we are sustained in our actions by the principles of righteousness, in the which there is power from the heavens." - Elder William R. Bradford, Nov. 1999 Ensign, quoted by Elder L. Tom Perry, Nov. 2008 Ensign

I love this quote (not a surprise for those who know me...). Maybe it is because I see things, important doctrinal things, as very black and white. But, in making many decisions I think it is a great blessing to know that there is a right and wrong and we just need to align ourselves with the right. And, I think it is an even bigger blessing to know what the right is - to have prophets, apostles, scriptures and personal prayer as guides in doing so.

A happy medium...

2009-03-25T22:13:00.000-07:00

So, I have been getting into politics more and more. What I mean, I guess, is that I have been watching the news, political programs, and the like a whole lot. I really feel passionately about what I believe politically, and I feel like my ideas have become better defined. The downfall is that, because I do feel so strongly about it all, it tends to all get more negative than I want it to.

As I was watching one of my favorite political shows, Glenn Beck, I flipped to the history channel to see what was on. There was a show on about the Book of Revelation and what I felt was completely different. What I feel even more passionately about is my spiritual beliefs. There is nothing stronger for me, especially because it encompasses my family. I wondered if I should just focus on the spiritual.

But then I realized that that is not what we are supposed to do. We are to be involved in our communities, governments, and societies. The trick is figuring out how to do it in a non-combative, effective, positive way. So that is what I need to do, find the happy medium between standing up for something I strongly believe in, but doing it calmly. Any suggestions?

A Loving God

2009-03-24T21:37:00.000-07:00

"May I declare to you and all others who will hear me that one of the tragedies of our day is that the true God is not known. Tragically, contemporary Christianity has inherited the view of a capricious, imperious, and especially angry God whose primary duty is to frighten little children and add suffering to the lives of already staggering adults. May I unequivocally and unilaterally cry out against that sacrilegious and demeaning view of a loving and compassionate Father in Heaven. I wonder if the Savior may not have known, even in His mortal years, that this would happen, thus His plea for the world to know the true God, the fatherly God, the forgiving and redeeming and benevolent God. To bring that understanding was one of the reasons Christ came to the earth.

"So feeding the hungry, healing the sick, rebuking cruelty, pleading for faith—and hope and charity—this was Christ showing us the way of the Father, He who is “merciful and gracious, slow to anger, long-suffering and full of goodness.” In His life and especially in His death, Christ was declaring, “This is God’s compassion I am showing you, as well as my own.” It is the perfect Son’s manifestation of the perfect Father’s care. In Their mutual suffering and shared sorrow for the sins and heartaches of the rest of us, we see ultimate meaning in the declaration: “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved” (John 3:16–17).

"I bear personal witness this day of a living, loving God, who knows our names, hears and answers prayers, and cherishes us eternally as His children. I testify that there is no spiteful or malicious motive in Him. I testify that all He does (He who never sleeps nor slumbers) is to seek for ways to bless us, to help us, and to save us. I pray that you will believe that and embrace it. I pray that you will strive to see the wonder and majesty of heaven’s concern and compassion for us."

-Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, BYU Women's Conference, 2007

A big pat on the back to you women

2009-03-24T08:08:00.001-07:00

Have you ever noticed how acceptable all the follies and foibles of being a man is, but how unacceptable a woman's are. You know, "boys will be boys" followed by a wink and a pat on the back. Or what about, "That's a man" followed by another pat on the back. Why do they always do that anyway? I remember sitting in a fireside for Relief Society in one of my singles wards at BYU talking about this very thing. The speaker, who was a marriage and family counselor, was telling us that men just don't like to talk, so we shouldn't expect much when we got married. Why couldn't he, instead, tell the men that women need to talk and so they should start working on their communication skills? Instead, the world pushes women to become like men. To lay aside their natural ability to be emotional - in a good way, to sympathize, nurture, love. Anyway, my point is that I love being a woman, follies, foibles and all. I know I have written about this before, but I do. We get to be mothers. We nurture, guide and mold our children, and in return become the center or their sweet worlds. I would take that over any high power, high paying job. We get to experience the joy of creating a happy home, a good meal, or a beautiful project. We can multitask!
I firmly believe that men and women were created differently so that we could complement each other in our lives and our families. I am glad that men have the responsibilities and strengths they do because we need them. I think it is important, on the flip side, that the world recognize the power and importance women hold in their responsibilites and strengths too, because it is immense. This is not a "I am woman hear me roar" post, but an "I am woman, watch me live" post. I hope the world learns to find joy in womanhood, to appreciate women for all they do...as women.

All giddy inside.

2009-03-18T23:23:00.000-07:00

It is a good thing I have boys. I have learned that there are a couple things that make me all giddy inside that, in general, boys appreciate more than girls.

1. I love hot wheels. I can't get enough of them. Mike keeps joking that I am obsessed, but I think it might be true. I can't pass a display of them and not stop to look at each one. I blame my dad - he has always been into cars, and I guess it rubbed off...

2. I get all giddy inside when I see airplanes flying up close. Seriously, giddy. We live pretty close to the airport here, so most places we go, we see them. My boys love them too. So, we drove out to the airport today to watch them land. It was quite the sight - a row full of middle aged men and then me in my minivan. It was great though. We sat there, snacking on crackers, watching the planes land every five minutes. We are going to do this often.

Oh Saturday...

2009-03-14T19:41:00.001-07:00

Observations from today:

1 - I adore playing music in a group. Rehearsal is so great and it always ends too soon. The conductor keeps thanking us for the sacrifice of our time to be there but I always want to stand up and thank her for letting me enjoy something I love again and thereby reclaim a little bit of me.
2 - I must eat lunch. I cannot skip a meal...I'm wondering if I have low blood sugar. I got such a bad headache because I decided to stay out after rehearsal and therefore didn't eat. It is tragic, but I guess I can make the sacrifice of eating a little more... When I took the glucose test when I was pregnant with Evan, they thought I was fasting because my blood sugar was so low. They told me to eat a lot of ice cream. It was the best advice from a doctor's office I had ever received.
3 - I always think at the end of day I wished I had been more patient with the boys. Well, I realized that I can do that today...because I was gone most of the day. That certainly makes it easier to be patient. However, as I was driving to rehearsal this morning, I was already missing them. Pathetic? Perhaps. As Mike says, I couldn't handle not being the stay-at-home parent.
4 - I am really close to having Evan weaned. He is fine when I am not around, so the tricky time is going to be nap time when I am here. But, he is done with his bed time feeding. Woohoo! I think he knows that something is going on, that I am trying to take it away from him. Several times during the day now he comes up to me screaming and pulling on my shirt. He is going through withdrawl...

Quote

2009-03-13T19:23:00.000-07:00

"Why did [early pioneer women] do this? They did it because the fire of their faith burned in their souls. These remarkable women were not seeking fine clothing, greater leisure, large earthly mansions, or more possessions. Like you, they had a conviction and a testimony that the restored gospel of Jesus Christ was true and that the Lord needed them to do their part in establishing His kingdom on the earth. Their pursuit of personal righteousness was a daily effort to become more like the Savior through repentance, scripture study, prayer, obedience to commandments, and through seeking after everything ‘virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy.’” – Julie B. Beck, November 2008 Ensign

Observations

2009-03-12T18:56:00.000-07:00

I did a lot today. My body aches in agreement. But it is a happy feeling, to know that I have accomplished much. And along my day I made a few observations:

1 - Joanns is great for me, not so great for the boys. And, a spool of thread makes for a mighty fine chew toy apparently.
2 - I wish wish wish I could sew. Someday I will learn but for now I'm glad my mom is willing to accept my fabric and project ideas. Oh, so many things I want to make...
3 - There is something very satisfying about pulling weed and root out of the ground. Squatting for an hour while doing that, not so satisfying.
4 - On days when Mike is gone until after the boys go to bed, it is not a good idea to pull weeds while they nap...I'm tired!
5 - The time between dinner and bath goes a lot faster when it is still light outside.
6 - My two year-old is incapable of listening.
7 - I read advice that you should do as many of your household chores while your kids are awake so that you can have you time when they are asleep. I have to say that that is some of the best advice I have seen. I love having the dishes done right after dinner instead of coming down after putting the boys to bed to a messy kitchen.
8 - Evan can eat...a lot. And, he has enough teeth to do so. I realized today that he isn't a baby that gums all his food. I can give him bigger pieces of food and food that requires teeth...my baby is not so much a baby any more!
9 - I need another leash, for Evan. He kept running away from me today. He used to stay right by me because he was attached to me emotionally and therefore physically. I guess he's getting braver. But with two little boys in a store, measures must be taken...
10 - I love being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Okay, I already knew that, but I read this on lds.org today in a press release and it just made me feel all happy:

Latter-day Saints should conduct themselves with dignity and thoughtfulness. Not only is this the model that Jesus Christ taught and demonstrated in his own life, but it also reflects the reality of the strength and maturity of Church members today. As someone recently said, “This isn’t 1830, and there aren’t just six of us anymore.” In other words, with a global membership of thirteen and a half million there is no need to feel defensive when the Church is moving forward so rapidly. The Church’s strength is in its faithful members in 170-plus countries, and there is no evidence that extreme misrepresentations in the media that appeal only to a narrow audience have any long-term negative effect on the Church... If the Church allowed critics and opponents to choose the ground on which its battles are fought, it would risk being distracted from the focus and mission it has pursued successfully for nearly 180 years. Instead, the Church itself will determine its own course as it continues to preach the restored gospel of Jesus Christ throughout the world.

That's it! I am off to put my boys to bed and rest my body!

And I quote...

2009-03-11T22:02:00.001-07:00

I don't know if it is my history in debate or just something inherent in me, but I love quotes. Love them, love them, love them. So I thought that on the nights that I don't really have much to say or time to sit down and do a full post I will just post a quote I came across and liked. So, here we go.

“Virtue is a word we don’t hear often in today’s society, but the Latin root word virtus means strength. Virtuous women and men possess a quiet dignity and inner strength. They are confident because they are worthy to receive and be guided by the Holy Ghost. President Monson has counseled: 'You be the one to make a stand for right, even if you stand alone. Have the moral courage to be a light for others to follow. There is no friendship more valuable than your own clear conscience, your own moral cleanliness - and what a glorious feeling it is to know that you stand in your appointed place clean and with the confidence that you are worthy to do so.’” – Elaine S. Dalton, November 2008 Ensign

The time has come...

2009-03-08T20:14:00.000-07:00

I love breastfeeding. I love the time it gives me to bond with my baby. I love knowing that I am giving my baby what he needs. I love providing for him. That isn't to say that I have loved everything about it...especially the first few weeks. But I have truly loved nursing Evan.
I weaned Jordan fully when he was 13 months old and I now find Evan at that same age. He, however, isn't too interested in weaning those last two feedings, before nap and bed time. And because I really don't mind nursing I have let it go for now. But, last night I realized the time has come to wean him. He said "thanks" after he nursed.

The importance of being full...

2009-03-05T21:39:00.000-08:00

One of the best times of the day in our house is right after dinner. The boys, especially Evan, are so much happier when they have had a lot to eat. In fact, if I fed them more during the day maybe they would be less demanding. Oh, they already eat all day as it is! They are just really active I suppose.

But I was thinking as I watched them eat dinner how happy it makes me to see them eat and enjoy a meal I make for them. It is so satisfying to know that I am meeting that need for them... and that they like it.

As an addendum to my post about finding out how to make my days easier, I have recently discovered that eating enough food myself is also very important. I'm eating, don't worry, but I think that I need to eat more throughout the day to keep up with their energy!

Rising to the occasion

2009-03-01T21:25:00.000-08:00

You know how I said I was easing myself back into politics? Well I have been watching, reading and thinking a lot about it lately. I am so proud to be a conservative. Here are a few thoughts I have had.
I was watching a speech Rush Limbaugh gave to the Conservative Political Action Committee and he was talking about the fundamental beliefs of conservatives and how they differ from liberals. (I'm not meaning for this to be a contentious post, so bear with me...) One thing he talked about was how instead of tearing down those at the top to make things more equitable, we should bring up those on the bottom. (I have A LOT of thoughts about this, but I'll save them unless anyone wants to know...) One thing I love about conservative beliefs is that I think they are fundamentally true and therefore translate to other aspects of life.
While the boys nap, if they actually nap, I watch Glenn Beck. I really like his ideas and agree with most of his viewpoints. One day on his show he talked about the youth and it relates very well to this idea. First he talked about a survey that was conducted showing that a majority of college freshmen believe they should receive a B in their classes just for showing up. They went on to talk about how awards are given to every one for something now so that the kids don't have to have the feeling of seeing someone else get praised and when they are not themselves. I was thinking about how this distroys a child's motivation to discipline themselves and learn to succeed. Basically, they don't need to because they will be praised either way. I am not saying that we should be hard on our kids. We, of course, should praise them as they try to succeed, whether or not they do and encourage them to keep trying so they will. But taking away the reward for succeeding and making it the same for those who don't will only bring people down instead of lifting others up to succeed.
I think this even applies to spiritual matters. We know that we should try to lift those around us.
I really hope that we as a country, a community and family can try to lift those around us, encourage everyone to do their best and succeed at what they can instead of punishing and discouraging those who do.

Hitting my stride...

2009-02-22T22:35:00.000-08:00

So, I am kind of ashamed to admit it, but I think I finally hit my stride with this whole stay-at-home mom thing. It only took me two and a half years, but I have arrived...I think. I realized some things this past week that have helped me eliminate a lot of the stress I have felt, leaving me to enjoy my boys. We had a great week last week.

Here is what I learned.

1. The big kahuna idea that freed me the most from my stress (and unfortunately something Mike has been telling me all along, so a lot of told-you-so moments coming on here...) - it is okay for the boys to fuss. That's it. Evan screams a lot, like a whole lot. And whenever I try to do anything they fuss, cry, ask for everything under the sun, etc. I felt like I needed to always be tending to them to be a good mom because I could make them feel better. Well, I started practicing for the orchestra I'm going to be doing because I really need to. So, I have had to ignore both of them so that I can. (I'm not talking about ignoring basic needs and injuries or leaving them to be reckless. I'm talking about them playing happily with toys so I pull out my flute, leading them to get mad that I am doing something that isn't somehow related to them.) In fact, the other day Jordan climbed up on me and pushed my flute away and told me to leave it alone. But, I have to practice. And eventually they give up or I just deal with it until I am done. And they are okay. So, I tried this with dishes, laundry, phone calls, reading. Pretty great. I got so much more done this week, leading me to feel better about what I had done and how I felt in my home.

2. It is what it is. I used to get frustrated a lot that I was putting the boys to bed by myself again, or that I needed to get some errands done but the boys were being so incredibly difficult, or Mike was running late again, or the boys were screaming in the tub AGAIN, etc. It all sounds so silly, but when it consumes your whole day, all your energy, all your sanity it seems more devastating. But it doesn't bother me now. It is what it is. And I can do it. And it is okay. I feel so much more relaxed now. And I think that is really influencing the boys. We had a good week last week.

3. Everything doesn't have to be done fast. I have always done things fast. I don't know why, but I just like to do something and be done. But kids aren't like that. So I would get frustrated that it would take Jordan 15-20 minutes to eat a piece of cheese. But now I realize that there really is no rush on most things in life. And I love it. We just took our time enjoying things and we had a great week.

4. Realize that I do a lot. I look around me often and feel like other moms are so much more together than I am, do so much more with their kids, and are just plain better at it all. But I decided to step back and look at what I do. I started taking Jordan to the library for story time, we go to the children's museum, I arrange play group every week, I spend my whole day (except the little bit I spend on other things mentioned in number 1!) playing, singing, dancing, making silly faces, talking, drawing, and reading with the boys. I make dinner every night...okay, most nights. I make sure the boys have everything they need and a lot of what they want, and I bargain shop constantly so we can have said things. Now, I know I could do better, and I am trying, but I needed to give myself some credit for what I do. And it actually took stress away because I stopped thinking that I needed to do more. And we had a great week doing all those things.

So, I am really excited for tomorrow. I am going to play with my boys, run an errand, play my flute, clean up and have a good time enjoying my family and home. And, I will keep my shoulders relaxed and enjoy a knot-free back! Monday, here I come!

Venturing out

2009-02-17T21:07:00.000-08:00

A few years ago when I began scrapbooking, I picked up an embellisment with a quote on it that I really liked. I didn't know how or when I would ever use it, but I just wanted to have it. Last night as I reviewed my day, this quote popped into my head. It summed it up perfectly:

"The only way of discovering the limits of the possible is to venture a little way past them into the impossible." - Arthur C. Clarke

Here is how it went. Mike had to leave a little before six in the morning to help with the boy scout/young men fundraiser. This meant I was up early taking care of the boys. Now, I have an amazing husband that gets up every morning with the boys so I can sleep a little longer...I am not a morning person though I wish I were. But, I did it, and I didn't even get my day-long I-got-up-too-early headeache.
Then Mike came home and we all got ready for the day. He headed out again to observe/train to do assessments in Spanish. My plan for the day was the Presidents Day Sale at RC Willey. We need a mattress for Evan and since we are getting our tax refund and Evan hates his crib, I thought this was the perfect chance. It was the normal outing with the boys - me doing my thing interupted every few seconds to give the boys fruit snacks, crackers, make one of them stop hitting the other, carry Evan when he was screaming, etc. They were actually doing well and I found a great deal on a great mattress. So I got to the line to pay. When I noticed that I couldn't even begin to see the cashiers, I got worried. I honestly thought, "there is no way I can stand in this line with these boys for that long...really, I can't." But I did it. After a little over an hour of waiting in line, we made it out. I was completely exhausted from keeping the boys happy, in one place and out of trouble. (as an aside, don't take a toy that comes apart in a way that your kids can't put back together on their own if you are going to be somewhere for a long time...)
Then Mike got home late so I improvised for dinner (he was going to grill steaks but ran out of time) and then he was out again to take down the flags he had put up earlier for the fundraiser. And though every muscle in my body was screaming for collapse, I did it.

I kind of feel like my days are more ways for me to realize what I can do. Being a stay-at-home mom is hard...really hard sometimes. Much more so than I thought it would be. I know that some of that is the personalities my kids were blessed with. I wouldn't change them, but they require a lot to keep up with them physically and emotionally. But I do it...every day. Even those days when Mike doesn't come home until after the boys are in bed. Sometimes I start those days thinking that there is no way I can do it, but I do. I am not always as graceful as I would like, but I do it. I have to. My body aches at the end of each day, but it is stronger than ever. When pushed further than usual, it can do it.

I also thought of all the other ways that this applies to our lives. What about spiritually. When we think that we may never be able to get over something, become something, forgive something, we can. A lot of that comes with help from our Heavenly Father who gives us of His strength to make us capable to do the seemingly impossible.

I am so excited right now as well because I get to be a part of the orchestra for a production being put on by a stake in Henderson - Savior of the World. I am so nervous though that I will not be able to perform. Once again I am going to step out past what I think is possible and see what happens. I really hope that I will able to do it. Maybe if I rely on some added strength, confindence and courage, I will be able to do more than I would be able to on my own.

Pathetic?

2009-02-12T22:54:00.000-08:00

It is almost 11:00 at night and we are headed to bed. Today was a long day of taking care of the boys' whining, screaming, demanding and I was so ready for their bedtime. Now, I really want to get them up to play. Am I pathetic?

Maybe it will wear out...

2009-02-05T22:41:00.001-08:00

I know that we talk a lot, as women, about how we wear many hats. Mine include mom (of course), wife, cook, maid, sanitation worker (and how!), shopper, accountant, safety inspector, historian, and others. I know that this list is only going to grow as my boys get older. But there is one other hat that I seem to be wearing a lot more these days - referee. My boys are starting to fight more and more. Well, they only fight about one thing - who gets what. Jordan is playing with cars, Evan wants those cars. Evan has a snack, Jordan wants that snack. One has the ride-on bus so the other wants it (even though there is another ride-on toy right next to them!) I'm holding one, so the other needs to be held. Then the pushing starts and Evan, who has become quite the screamer, screams and then my little mimicker Jordan starts to scream because Evan is screaming, and soon we have full on chaos...many, many times a day. It is times like these that bring to my mind the conference talk by Elder Ballard that reminded young mothers that joy in motherhood comes in moments. Not these ones though...

So, I try my best to separate them, make them share, practice taking turns, and the like. Sometimes I decide they need to learn to work it out for themselves, which becomes a game of chicken to see who will cave first - will they stop first or will I just intervene to stop the screaming. In the end, I try to remember that they are two little boys who are excited about life and want to experience what the other is doing too. But, I hope that, like a real hat, the more I wear it the sooner it will wear out. Maybe they will learn how to solve these problems from me showing them so many times. Or maybe I will just have to throw it out when it wears out and they will figure it out on their own. I don't know. But for now, I will keep putting it on with all the others when needed.

All the better to see you with.

2009-02-01T22:05:00.000-08:00

I wear glasses. Have ever since seventh grade. The timing has never worked out for me to get contacts and now they are way too expensive. But that's okay. I don't mind. In fact, I'm pretty sure the rest of the world cares a whole lot more than I do.

Okay, here's what I mean. I have noticed throughout the years that glasses aren't popular. In fact, they are way more often than not equated with geeky, nerdy, unpopular, awkward people. If you ever see a movie where a girl is transformed through a make-over, glasses will inevitably be taken off. The other day I was watching a show that I enjoy, What Not to Wear. They were doing a woman's makeup and gave her contacts while inferring that she couldn't really be pretty with glasses on. I couldn't believe it. Here is yet another message to girls and women alike that they aren't good enough. If you have glasses, you will not be pretty. Then I saw another such show that told the woman that she looked older with glasses and they took them away. And, when I was in college, I actually had a boyfriend tell me that if we got married I couldn't wear my glasses that day. Really?

Fortunately I married a man who thinks I look good with or without glasses and doesn't care, and who let me where them on our wedding day, even for the pictures!

This is who I am, I wear glasses. And it is okay.

Someday when I am rich and famous, I will make a movie. In this movie the heroine will be beautiful, funny, talented, intelligent, loved by all, and she will wear glasses...the whole time!

Another one of those...

2009-01-30T18:28:00.000-08:00

I got tagged to write 25 things about myself on Facebook. So, I'm using it here too. Here we go...

1. I love finding bargains. I can’t stop. Really, I can’t. I don’t buy any clothes for the boys that cost more than $3 new.
2. Related to above, I am trying to start up an online store to sell the bargain clothes I find for kids…be watching for it soon!
3. I took violin lessons in first grade. But, the lunch lady taught them and she scared me. So when my mom dropped me off, I stayed outside. The lessons didn’t last too long. (That’s okay, I always wanted to play the flute anyway!)
4. I am auditioning for a production tomorrow. I don’t know if I will make it, but I am going to try because I love playing my flute and miss it a lot.
5. I was the president of BYU College Republicans when I was at school and lived politics. I’m easing back into it now after a break for my own sanity.
6. I have had both my kids c-section. Jordan was an emergency c-section and when I was pregnant with Evan they said, “once a c-section, always a c-section.” On the plus side, I don’t change dirty diapers for the first two weeks!7. I live in Maine for four years when I was a teenager and still long to get back. If we have money some day (you know, after the house, and student loans, and missions, and everything else) to buy a vacation house, it will be in Maine (yes, in Cape Elizabeth!) If not, I will settle for frequent stays in hotels.
8. I have a possibly unhealthy love of chocolate chip and peanut butter chip Quaker granola bars. I have at least one a day.
9. I love France and anything French. I used to daydream about being there. I still can’t wait for an extended visit. I got to go for a day to Paris when I was in Brussels for a business trip. So, one day we’ll go.
10. I hate cleaning floors…with a passion. Fortunately Mike doesn’t mind doing them.
11. I love cooking in my crock pot. Ten minutes in the morning and dinner is done!
12. Mike thought it would be funny to teach Jordan that he is a boy, Mike is a boy, Evan is a boy and Mama is a monkey. So now if you ask Jordan what Mama is, he will tell you I am a monkey.
13. I have a hard time resisting tv shows that have to do with super powers. Can’t resist. That is why I had to watch Smallville last night even though I didn’t care about it.
14. I like…brace yourself…Celine Dion. I actually listen to her in French. I had a friend that introduced me to it and I have liked her ever since.
15. I did debate in high school. My greatest triumph was when we beat a nationally ranked team and they gave us their third place trophy after because they were so mad.
16. I like to talk. A lot.
17. I am really stubborn about some things. One of the biggest is resisting things that are popular. That is why I just read the Work and the Glory books a couple years ago and I am always a little behind on fads.
18. I love watching people dance. Stink at it myself though.
19. I hope to move back to Utah soon. My husband’s family is there and my parents moved there last year! I still get giddy inside when I think about my parents living in Utah. I love it there.
20. I really hope I have a girl someday. I would be happy with even just one. I need a daughter to be girly with. I do love my boys though!
21. I can’t make decisions these days. I think that the boys suck out so much of my resources these days that the first region to go was the one that makes simple decisions. Anyway, that’s what Mike is for!
22. I honestly can predict about 90% of the time what is going to happen in a movie, tv show or book.
23. I can listen to two conversations at the same time.
24. I talk to my mom multiple times a day. Yeah, we’re close.
25. I want to write a book some day and I already know what it is about and how I want to organize it. Now, I just have to work on the writing ability part…

My child, the person

2009-01-27T21:51:00.001-08:00

I've been thinking a lot about our society lately. More specifically, I've been thinking about the worth of people in it. It seems to me that a person's worth is very conditional, subjective, and performance based.

Example. I'm sure you all have heard about the football coach being charged with one of his player's death. The young man died from the heat, after being taken to the hospital with a temperature of 107 degrees. Apparently the coach denied him water and pushed him to keep practicing until he collapsed, along with another player who survived. In watching various news networks coverage and discussion about this incident I heard a few of the following:

Players should be pushed. How was the coach to know that the kid wasn't just being weak and not wanting to practice?! He did nothing wrong.
Athletes are liked fine-tuned machines that you have to keep maintainenced and lubed. You have to make sure atheletes have what they need to perform their best.

And Mike heard on sports radio the hosts discussing how lazy and weak kids are these days because they used to always be running around outside with no problems.

I have to say that if I trusted my child to the care of a coach or anyone, I would hope that they saw him as a person, not just as an athlete who should be pushed until breaking so that they can make their team look good or not as a machine to be tuned. I'm not saying that we should do everything for our kids or give them everything they want, but I think we can fairly say that this is a time when maybe a person's worth could be more than what it was, worth a drink and a break.

In more and more of what I see of business, sports, and the like, the world tends to base one's worth on what is accomplished, scored, performed, or earned instead of viewing their inherent worth just by existing. Maybe if more of the world was viewed that way, there would be a little more charity - helping when needed, giving the benefit of the doubt, forgiving, thinking the best of one another, being kind, understanding - and therefore more happiness and less stress. I really hope I can remember to look at people that way, especially my children.

Canning

2009-01-25T22:36:00.000-08:00

So, this whole thought process I am about to write about started as this: they are gathering canning orders in our ward. As part of this, they need a few people to go help put the order together if they can. Unfortunately it is on a weekday and because I have my little boys, I can't go (I can still order though...)
I've thought a lot about how there are a lot of those good things in life that we should try to do. Meals to make, rides to give, canning to do, and the like. I would love to work in the temple, even just in the laundry or cafeteria or something. When each request for compassionate service is announced, there is another.
I used to feel like I should be able to do all these things, two toddlers and all. In fact, I thought there was something wrong with me because I felt like I couldn't. But I can't. That's all there is to it. My boys are demanding and busy. I have no family in town to lean on for help and Mike is gone day and night a lot of the time. I can try to do some, but I can't do it all, or even a lot of it. That's just how it is. At least for now.
I know that I have already blogged about similar feelings before, but I really feel strongly about this now. There is a season for all things. As I thought about canning, I knew that some day I will go, when my kids are all at school for the day. I will sign up for all meals I can afford to bring to people and any other opportunity I get that I can do. But not now.
When we lived in Oregon, soon after Jordan was born, I was beginning to have these feelings of failure for not jumping at everything any more. Then we had a stake conference meeting broadcast from Salt Lake City. One of the Relief Society Presidency members (it might have even been Sister Parkin, president at the time) spoke to us about doing the will of Heavenly Father. She said that we should always be living our life in doing His will and what He would have us do. She mentioned service and good works and all those other good things we have to do. But she then mentioned that raising our children is also how we spend our time doing His will. We should, of course, try to help others any chance we get, magnify our callings and such, but that our focus as mothers, particularly of young children, was to teach, guide, and raise them. I felt such a burden lifted from my shoulders.
So, I keep trying to remind myself that the fact that my children take all my time, energy, resources, sanity, and patience, is okay. That is what I should be doing. And when they are a little older, I will go help at the cannery.

I have a family here on Earth

2009-01-18T20:02:00.000-08:00

Just as a warning before I begin, this may be another one of those cheesy posts, but I am going to do it anyway!

I have two thoughts running through my mind right now. The first is about our lesson in Relief Society today. We discussed the return of Elijah to bestow the sealing keys to Joseph Smith and what that means to us. I know that this is a very common topic in our church to discuss, but it hit me how wonderful that knowledge is. When I married Mike in the temple, I married him for here on Earth (time) and forever after (and all eternity), which in turn sealed our beautiful boys to us forever. What an extraordinary knowledge.

As we sang the closing song, "Families Can Be Together Forever," I noticed the chorister was crying, and I am pretty sure I heard more sniffles around the room. I thought about how, more than probably any other topic (other than the atonement of Jesus Christ), I see more people get emotional when talking about families. I think it is because one of the main purposes of our lives here is to form eternal families. We are created for this and so it is inherent in us to find joy in the thought of living with those we love forever, even after they have passed away. I remember distinctly, soon after Jordan was born, understanding so much clearer why we would refer to the Plan of Salvation as the Plan of Happiness - I felt so much joy knowing that that little baby was mine forever.

The next idea I have been thinking about a lot lately is creating a home. As I listened to the lesson today, I thought about how this ties in perfectly - we need to create a place where our families will be safe from the world and the influences therein.

I remember soon before I got married being completely excited when I realized that I could make my home whatever I wanted it to be. I had been living with roommates for about seven years before that, and though I didn't have problems with most of them, I still had to compromise on our living space. But in my family I could make it whatever I wanted. I could choose what came in and what influences would surround my family while they were at home (at least for the most part). If we didn't want certain tv shows, games, music, language, etc in our home, then we could make it that way. Wow! I was so excited. Mike and I thoroughly discussed many of these ideas before we got married because I wanted to make sure we were on the same page, that's how important it was to me. Now, I know that I still have the tv on more than I want to, get frustrated more than I care, and other imperfections, but I love that I can try to make a place for my family, to protect them, to teach them the gospel and how to recognize the Holy Ghost, to help them stay worthy, and to try to make them happy to be part of our eternal family.

Beautiful Sight

2009-01-14T19:40:00.000-08:00

I just have to write about my family's beautiful eyes. I can't get over them. They all have such *pretty* blue eyes (I know I'm not supposed to use pretty for boys, but hey, I call it like I see it!) Tonight I was playing around with my camera trying to learn what everything does. When I tried the close-up mode, I was struck again with how much I love those eyes. So, I took some pictures. I am no professional, so I know someone else could have done them more justice, but here they are.

Evan:

Jordan:

And they get it from:

One of the first things I noticed about Mike were his eyes. I hoped our boys would get his eyes. So here is a big thank you to genetics!

The influence of parents

2009-01-12T22:27:00.000-08:00

My mom and me a couple days before my wedding.

When I was thinking about the influence others have in our lives, I thought about the immense influence my parents have had on me. This weekend my mom came to Las Vegas to celebrate Evan's birthday with us, and I had such a great time with her. She is honestly my best friend. I have learned so much from her and my dad. The more I meet people, the longer I parent, the older I get, the more I realize what good examples they were and are for me. So indulge me, please, as I share some important things I learned through my parents' examples, even if I am still trying to live up to them.

My parents are incredibly non-judgemental. I remember many times sharing with my dad my frustration with something someone had done. He would always say something like, "maybe they were having a bad day." And I grew up knowing that everyone is just as important as another - no matter what their color, profession, background, personality or anything. Now when I interact with others, I try not to judge them before I know them and give them the benefit of the doubt when I do. (Again, still working on this!) And when my mother offers her advice when I need it, I know that she is not judging me, but trying to help. I know that anyone could go to her for advice and feel comfortable knowing that she would try to help them without changing her opinion of them or judging them. I hope I can be like that some day.

Another thing I admire about my parents is that they are very forgiving. In fact, I remember many times wishing my dad would stay upset with me because I felt bad about something I had done. It would take a whole lot for him to hold a grudge. And my mother has forgiven and forgotten a lot in her life. I know that I have been the beneficiary of my parents forgiving nature and I hope I can give the same to others in my life.

When I think about my life I am also amazed at how supportive they have always been of what my brother or I wanted to do. They gave me music lessons, let me choose where to go to school and what to study, helped me with anything else I wanted to do. When my brother graduated high school my dad let him know that he could go to school or go on a mission and he would support whatever he chose. I have always known that we were important to them and therefore so were our interests, pursuits and decisions. I hope my boys will know that too.

I guess I will leave it at that for now. I'm sorry if it was a bit cheesy, but it has been on my mind. I am so grateful for my parents - for everything they have done and continue to do for me. I am glad that my children will have these examples in their grandparents to look to as they grow up. As my mom was leaving today, Jordan kept wimpering in the car, "play Grandma more." I told him she needed to go home, but inside I was thinking, "me too buddy, me too."

The flute player inside...

2009-01-08T21:22:00.000-08:00

Over the years, music has brought me some of the most joy in my life. I absolutely love playing in a group - musicians brought together with the purpose of creating something beautiful. Oh, how I have missed it since my college days. I have performed a few times at church, but I miss being part of a group. Ironically, one of my great weaknesses is an inability to perform by myself without getting nervous.

Last year I was asked to accompany a choir piece at church. I was nervous, of course, especially because it contained that one note that, when nervous, I have a really hard time playing well. But that Sunday morning I had a breakthrough - inspiration, at last, about the purpose of music. Before, when I thought about playing in front of people, I mostly was concerned about how those listening would critic and judge my performance. This is what made me nervous, this need to do well for those in the audience. As I sat contemplating all those who would be watching me, the well known scripture came into my mind - "...that ye must not perform anything unto the Lord save in the first place ye shall pray unto the Father in the name of Christ, that he will consecrate they performance unto thee, that thy performance may be for the welfare of thy soul." (2 Nephi 32:9) For some reason it just finally had occurred to me that I was not playing to a room full of people, but I was playing to worship Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and in so doing, I would be strengthened. And acknowledging that actually did give me courage and it was easy to play that day.

Now again, I am contemplating music. I have honestly felt a void in my life where it used to be. I have searched for some way to be involved, but with Mike's schedule the way it is and no family around, it has been impossible. However, at church on Sunday I noticed a flyer for a production that another stake is putting on, and they are holding auditions not only for the cast, but the orchestra. I feel such a desire to be a part of it. But, it would mean a bit of sacrifice for my family for about a month of rehersals. Now, I am not presumptuous enough to think that I would definitely get in, but quite the opposite - it is almost like a daydream. If I could, though, I would love to do it. But is it worth putting my family through? I honestly am a firm believer in a season for all things in life - right now I need to focus on raising my kids and the rest will come later. However, this could be my last chance to actually have a chance at being in this kind of production. So what do I do? I think I am going to at least try. If I don't make it, then I won't always wonder what if. If I do, somehow, make it, I know that Mike would be willing to make it happen for me. So, here's hoping that I can fill that void in a little way. If not, it was at least fun to daydream about!

Two things making my life easier...

2009-01-06T22:12:00.000-08:00

I have discovered two things that have made things a lot easier for me.

The first:

Now normally I might think that such a shortcut was really too much - just make your own rice already! But this is so cool. I tried one just to see and it comes out perfect. So, next time Mike is at school and it is time for dinner and Evan is pulling on my pants and Jordan is pushing me away from the stove, I will just pop one of these in the microwave to go with my dinner that is hopefully ready in the crockpot! (By the way, the vegetables are really good too! Oh, and they are on sale at our Walmart right now for only $1!)

The second:

The first few days of weaning Jordan from sleeping with his pacifier were a little rough. But one night when he wouldn't calm down and go to sleep, I decided to see if a car would do (he LOVES his cars...) He said he wanted one. Now every nap and bedtime he wants a car to sleep with. No more screaming or crying! Ah, sweet peace.

The influence of others

2009-01-05T22:36:00.000-08:00

Jordan loves going to nursery at church. He gets so excited when we get to church that sometimes we have a really hard time getting him to sit through Sacrament meeting. I know that a large part of this is because of the nursery leader - Sister Todd. Can I tell you how amazing she is? She is so patient with the kids and you can tell that she genuinely loves her calling. She gets down and plays with the kids and lets them all know that they are important to her. I am so grateful that she is there.

We decided that at the beginning of this year we want to have our FHE lessons from the nursery manual every week. So, tonight we went over the lesson they had yesterday. In the middle of talking to Jordan about how he is a child of God, he excitedly said, "Sister Todd!" He remembered that she taught him that same lesson yesterday. I understand more now the importance of not only the influence of others around us, but of joyfully fulfilling your calling at church. Thank you everyone for your influence on my family!

Less (re)learned

2009-01-03T19:39:00.000-08:00

My freshman year at BYU was a great time in my life. I had so much fun, made a ton of new friends, and learned a lot. But, one lesson took me the whole year to learn, and I confess that I still have to reteach it to myself.
That year was the first time I remember really thinking about what made me me and others them. I remember my friends being so excited to go a dance/social on campus. Having friends over to play games sounded a whole lot better to me. I joined College Republicans. I wasn't too concerned about my clothes or my makeup. I was still close with my parents. I couldn't stand being late to meetings, so I went by myself and saved seats a lot. I guess that year was the first time I began wondering if it was okay to be me, or if I was supposed to be like others.
Finally, at the beginning of my second year at BYU I decided that it was okay to be me. If I didn't feel like forcing myself to enjoy a packed room with blaring music, then I just didn't go, and that was okay. I found joy in my activities, friends, and everything I did. And it seemed that the less I cared if I was okay as I was, the more I was accepted.
Fast forward to three years ago. Mike and I were married and expecting Jordan. We were in a real live family ward now, not a BYU singles or married ward. I felt so intimidated. Here were so many accomplished, talented, smart, good women around me. My lesson finally learned slipped away. I started wondering who I was and what I should be. She runs, so I should too (man, I hate running though!) Her house is always clean, why do I have such a hard time keeping on top of it? She thinks that, she likes that, she does that... And trust me, it went on and on and on. I become introverted, shy, timid, self-conscious.
And now I am here. Mother of two, wife of a student, and me. After almost forgetting who I am, I am trying to learn my lesson again - I am me, and that's okay. I like what I like, I do what I enjoy, I parent how I feel is best, my weaknesses are mine. And that's okay. I have been waiting for people to tell me this - "Erica, you are you, and that is great.*" But, you know what? It doesn't matter. I need to be happy with who and what I am. No more comparing. I really enjoy reading blogs, but it seems that everyone is so organized, so creative, so perfect. Well, I am me. And no matter how hard I try right now, my house still looks like this:

Yep, that's as good as it gets, and that's okay. Neither creative nor beautiful, but it is what works for my kids.
Now, accepting me for me isn't to say that it is okay to be content with my weaknesses too. I hope that I am trying every day to not only be me, but the best me possible. And if I am, then that is great.

*Thanks to my mom for telling me this my whole life!

Lesson in parenting - doing what is best

2009-01-02T19:32:00.000-08:00

Today is day one of the pacifier weaning. There has been much weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth...by everyone involved. In fact, I am listening to both boys cry right now. There are many times that I wish I could just give my boys everything that will make them happy. But I know that is not possible. My body can't physically hold them all day (nor could my sanity handle it!) I can't let Jordan eat candy or chocolate or fruit snacks all day. And they need to be happy without their pacifiers. Oh, but they find such comfort from them! But this is what is best for them! But isn't making them happy what is best for them? Will they be happy when they are at college still sleeping with a pacifier? Maybe! Okay, I guess not. So, I'm learning this lesson again - sometimes it seems counterintuitive - that doing what is best for your children isn't always what makes them happy in the moment. *deep breath* I can do this...

And hopefully soon I'll be seeing more of this -

2009-01-01T20:57:00.000-08:00

I remember watching The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe when I was younger. To me it was always a kid's movie. I guess I was too young to understand then. I suppose that is why, when the new movie came out a few years ago, I definitely wasn't running out to see it. But I did. And I loved it. Then the second movie came out. We just watched it while we were in Utah this past week and I can say that I more than loved it. These movies were not just entertaining. They were spiritual to me. I got so much out of them and felt so full after watching both.

I remember when Mike and I saw The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. We must have received free movie tickets because we were at a theatre. This was in Portland, Oregon, a place that is not exactly Christian friendly. While sitting in that room, we understood the story C.S. Lewis described. We saw the atonement of Christ, His compassion and love for man. Our potential as children of God, aka sons of Adam and daughters of Eve. We couldn't help but wonder what others in that room would think if they knew the importance of the real message being presented to them that day. Would they feel the joy we felt knowing that just as Aslan freed the people of Narnia from wickedness, Christ had done the same for us on this earth? Would they rejoice even more knowing that no matter what, the cunning of evil could never triumph over the love of Christ?

A couple years later, as I watched Prince Caspian, I couldn't help but feel those same emotions of joy. Knowing that we, through Christ, have power to overcome anything. That, as Lucy was the seemingly weakest among the characters, she was the strongest because of her faith. That as Aslan returned, so too will Christ.

I decided, as part of my goal to read more, I am going to read the Chronicles of Narnia series. There is no doubt in my mind that C.S. Lewis was an inspired writer. I have begun the first. The recounting of the creation of Narnia is beautiful. I can't wait to read all seven books, to partake of their message. To be entertained and inspired.

My goal setting goal...

2008-12-31T19:33:00.000-08:00

I have never been one to set new years resolutions. I don’t know why, but for some reason it seems too cliché to do. But then again, I have never been good at goal setting. I just plan and do things. If I do set a goal, I don’t beat myself up if I don’t do it (I am hard on myself about enough things already, so I guess I let something slide by!) But this year is going to be different. I want to set goals and accomplish them, even with two little boys under foot. So, for 2009, I am going to set nine goals.

1. The first, of course, must be the most important. I am setting a goal to set and accomplish goals. I will accomplish the goals that I make here, and you all will be my witnesses to whom I will be accountable!

2. I want to be more productive with my down time, which is when the boys are in bed. Usually by the end of the day I am exhausted…those boys run me ragged all day! So, I don’t accomplish as much as I would like. Anyway, I know that this is more of a qualitative goal, which is hard to measure. So, to make it more quantitative, I will clean or create one thing each night.

3. Each weekend, I want to sit down with my planner and plan the week ahead. I will write down meals for each day so I know what I need to prepare for (a lot of times when I am planning a crock pot meal, I don’t remember until it is too late!) I will also make a list of everything that needs to be done that week so I can check them off when I get chances to do one.

4. Both of our boys need to be weaned from pacifiers. Jordan still sleeps with his, so we need to take it away in January. And, we want to take Evan’s away this month too, except for sleeping. Wish us luck on this one!

5. Jordan will be potty trained. Oh, how I am scared about this one! I don’t even know where to begin. But it will be done…soon!

6. I will consistently read my scriptures every day.

7. I will read at least one book a month. I am excited to do this because I have really enjoyed reading lately. I am starting with the Chronicles of Narnia series!

8. I want to blog more often. I really want to be able to write down my feelings about life here on this blog… and hey, it is easier than writing in a journal!

9. I want to read at least two books to the boys every day. I do read to them, but not as consistently as I would like. So, I will do better!

Well, there they are. You are my witnesses now. I know that changes don’t happen over night, but these are my goals for 2009. Happy New Year everyone!

Home sweet Home

2008-12-03T07:41:00.000-08:00

On Sunday I left home to come home. We went to Utah for Thanksgiving with my family and had a wonderful time. Not only is Utah home because my family is there, but because I absolutely adore Utah. I love so many things about it. I cannot wait for the day when we can settle there and be home when we are at home.
I love the feeling I get when I am in Utah. I feel like I belong, like I fit in, like I am safe, and I feel extremely happy. I love the mountains, the seasons, the people, the memories, the canyons, all the activities to do, the zoo, Salt Lake City, Utah county, the country, being at the center of the Church and so much more. And I love being surrounded by so many LDS people. I know there are people who think that is awful, but I just don't understand it. It is wonderful to be around so many people that share your beliefs and values and way of life. I didn't grow up in Utah and I had many great friends and experiences, but I want to raise my family in Utah. I know it isn't perfect, but it is great, and it is home.

Mother

2008-11-14T22:39:00.000-08:00

I am reading a book right now called An Old-Fashioned Girl by Louisa May Alcott. I came upon this quote and really wanted to write it somewhere to have. The main character is comparing her mother, whom she talks about here, with another mother who pushed her daughter away from a hug so her (the mother's) dress wouldn't get dirty:
"She thought of another woman, whose dress never was too fine for little wet cheeks to lie against, or loving little arms to press; whose face, in spite of many lines and the gray hairs above it, was never sour or unsympathetic when children's eyes turned towards it; and whose hands never were too busy, too full or too nice to welcome and serve the little sons and daughters who freely brought their small hopes and fears, sins and sorrows, to her, who dealt out justice and mercy with such wise love."
I hope I can be this kind of mother. I guess it is okay that I don't even bother trying to do much with my hair because whenever I hold my Jordan he loves running his fingers through my hair. Come to think of it, I wouldn't want to miss out on that either. I love it when he does that! At night during our "Mama, Jordan time" when I lay down with him and ask him how his day was, he runs his fingers through my hair again as we talk or goof off. He has started giving me lots of kisses on my cheek now too. Anything is worth sacrificing for those little moments.

More of me

2008-11-13T22:34:00.000-08:00

So, I had to start another blog. I know, I am excessive, but I really need a place to get my opinions out so I can move on. I think it will help! :) I am still going to keep this blog up as my happy space. I want to share my ideas about the things in which I find joy in life. So if you are interested in reading my opinions and sharing your own, here it is:
http://themindofericajane.blogspot.com/
Thanks!

On Agency

2008-11-09T12:17:00.001-08:00

I recently read a blog that I found about agency by a member of the Church. I really feel strongly about writing about this topic as it relates to politics. I know, I was going to be done with politics, especially writing about things that some may disagree with. But I need to do this. And hopefully this will be it. I have been too riled up this past week!
I have noticed that many members of the Church believe that laws should not be passed that will "take away" a person's agency. This is brought up again because of the passage of Proposition 8 in a few states, banning gay marriage. Those people in the Church who are against 8's passage believe that people should be left to exercise their agency, even though we find homosexuality morally wrong. So, I want to say a few things about that.
First, the Church, along with other faiths and organizations, lobbied for its passage. If we are not supposed to enact laws about moral issues then why did the the Church join forces to work for the proposition's passage? It is because we have a duty as members of the Church to stand up for that which we believe to be morally right. We do not sit idly by and watch the world travel a path to immorality and call it agency. That is never how it is has been and not how it will ever be. Our Church leaders felt like it was important enough for the Church to get involved in.
Second, no one's agency has been taken away by the passage of this. Even if something is illegal, every person still has agency to follow the law or break it. Agency is and can never be taken away from us. It is our gift in this life. People are still free to be homosexual, to live together, to have relationships, etc. They still have their agency.
Third, if we start splitting hairs like this, then there are many other moral issues and laws that we would have to examine. What about a person's agency to do drugs or be a prostitute. What about abortion? Morality has always been a part of law making. We believe as a society that it is wrong to do drugs. So it is illegal. We believe that prostitution is immoral. It is illegal. If those people who believe that everyone should have agency in all things, then these too should be legal. But, that is how it is. I know that there has always been a faction of society that says that morality should never be legislated, but what would that leave us as a society? Soon you would be left with nothing to legislate and society full of wickedness.
Fourth, if people are so upset about the right for people to marry whom they want, then why is it okay to outlaw polygamy (I don't mean the marrying 13-year-olds off kind...)? I'm not saying it should be legal at all, I'm just saying that if people feel so strongly about protecting everyone's right to marry how they want, then that would mean that those same people should support polygamists' rights as well.
Being members of the Church, we are blessed with the knowledge that our Church leaders are called of God and inspired with what we as a Church and society need. It is our duty as members to pray about their guidance and know for ourselves that they are indeed inspired. I am glad that we are led by those whose ways are not mingled with the wisdom of man when it comes to morality and agency. We aren't left to figure out what is right and wrong based on the shifting tides of popular thought in the world. We have a fixed mark to look to and that is very much a blessing.

Security

2008-11-05T23:04:00.001-08:00

We have been really struggling with Evan for the past week or so. He is going through, what I hope is just severe separation anxiety. I hold him all day and he isn't sleeping well at night or for naps (except for when I hold him for an hour and half while he sleeps.) I really do believe in letting them cry it out until they learn to fall asleep on their own, but after two hours, it is impossible - he pulls himself up in his crib and just stands there crying the whole time! Anyway, it has really been getting to me. Setting aside the fact that it is nearly impossible to get anything done, go anywhere, or have a break, it is physically exhausting...he isn't a little baby! I went to a store today to try to find some jeans that fit me and he just screamed the entire time I was trying some on. I was so close to just having a break down because this is how all my days are - completely and totally wrapped up in just the boys. I honestly can't even take care of my house because one or both of them is constantly asking or screaming for my attention.

Tonight we put Evan down for bed like we do every night - a bath, feeding, book and song. And of course he just screamed. After a little over two hours something just changed in me. All of the sudden I could feel what he was feeling. I could sense the need to be held tight and securely, to feel safe and comforted. He just wanted to feel secure. I went into his room, picked him up and we sat together, me holding him tight against me while he faded off to sleep comfortable and happy. I felt comfortable and happy too.

I feel like so many things in parenting is finding the narrow line between ideas and making it work. I know that we are supposed to teach our kids as young as babies to be independent. And I want my kids to be confident in themselves and to definitely have some sense of independence. I also want them to fall asleep, on their own and sleep through the night! But, I also, more than almost anything else I can do for them, want them to know that they are everything to me. I want them to know that if they need me, I will ALWAYS do whatever I can for them. I want them to be secure in me, that I love them, and that they can trust me to be there for them when they need me. So what wins? Do I force Evan to learn independence by pushing him away from me? Or do I show him that I am his constant and security by being there for him through this phase? Or is there a middle ground?

I have a few ideas that I am going to try. I am going to introduce a security object to him that I will hold with us so that he associates it with me and being comforted. We'll see if he will settle for it as a substitute for...or representation of...me. I might try moving his crib into Jordan's room to see it he just needs to not be alone right now. Tonight Jordan was laughing to Evan through their bedroom walls for a while trying to cheer him up. Evan would actually stop crying when he heard Jordan. It was really sweet. So, we'll see. I hope, though, that he will always know that he is so important to me that if he needs me to hold him all day sometimes, I will do that for him. But, I hope that he becomes comfortable enough to explore his world and enjoy it. And, above all, I hope that I will have the patience, wisdom, and physical strength to figure it out with him.

So, here's to an new outlook to *hopefully* have a more patient day tomorrow!

Hypocrisy

2008-11-04T21:00:00.000-08:00

So, we all saw this coming, right? I have to rant. So brace yourself, here it comes.

There are so many things that I see wrong with what happened with the election today. First I have to start by explaining the way I vote. I ask that though some of you may strongly disagree with me, please still be my friend. I say that because for some reason people have such a strong reaction to this, even though something worse happened tonight...hypocrisy that we will get to later on. I am a party voter. This doesn't mean that I don't still pay attention to the people running, but 99% of the time I will vote Republican after I make sure that they will represent those conservative beliefs I have. I may not agree with everything that a Republican candidate stands for, but I will agree with a whole lot more with that candidate than a Democrat. Also, whatever party the elected official represents gains more power overall, which will further a cause that I will not agree with if it is a Democrat. A candidate may be a more "moderate" Democrat, but the more liberal ones will gain power from that "moderate" candidate. Anyway, that is why I vote the way I do. Don't hate me...

I was watching Fox News when they were talking about Obama winning. They were postulating about what Obama will do, stand for, push for, etc as President. They were almost joking about how no one really knows what Obama stands for "but we like him anyway." Are you kidding me?!? You are okay with electing a President that no one knows how he will govern? Wow. And that is better than voting for a party with good, strong values. Wow.

Next, I have another bone to pick. The media. Why are they so liberal? They elected Obama. They really never said anything negative about him. But who is he? That didn't matter. The fact that he is a new comer to politics with very little experience was nothing to them. He was who they chose to elect. But, Sarah Palin, a new comer too, was fed to the wolves so to speak. Her "inexperience" was apparently unforgivable, while Obama's was endearing - an outsider who will change Washington.

After saying all this, you might be surprised to know that I really am more moderate that I seem. In my time actively working in the Republican party I realized that I wasn't as strictly conservative as a lot of those around me. I do believe that there are times and cases when welfare is needed - correctly administered and run - and when the government can do things better. But I am worried, at the same time, about a government that is too big, too invasive, and too distrusting of our ability to make our own decisions for us and our families. I am worried that we will be seen as an easy target now to terrorists and other countries. But, I have hope that when we all learn what it is - besides "change" - that Obama stands for, that it will leave our country better, safer, and stronger.

The right perspective

2008-11-01T23:02:00.001-07:00

I have a confession. I was not always excited about being a woman. Don't get me wrong, I have always wanted nothing more than to be a stay-at-home mom and raise children (I know this is because I was raised by a mother who made it very clear that her greatest ambition and joy in life was to be our mother, and so that was my abition as well.) But, to be considered weak, less intelligent, flighty, and all the other words generally associated with womanhood was not something I desired.
But, that changed. I remember when too. When I was 17 I received my patriarchal blessing, which spoke of being a woman, and those things that I would experience as a woman and the importance of women. Unfortunately, at first, I scoffed. Great, I am a woman. But, the more I thought about it, the more I changed. Great, I am a woman! I cannot even begin to explain the joy I feel right now saying that - I am a woman. More importantly, I am stiving to be a woman of God! Wow, how good that feels.
As I contemplated tonight the laundry that needed to be folded, the bed that needed to be made, and the bathroom that needed straightening, all I could think of was sitting on the couch and relaxing after a VERY long week of taking care of two of the busiest boys ever. Then, I had an idea. Since I wasn't able to go to Women's Conference at BYU this year (I can't wait until I can!) maybe I could listen to it. So, I found it, selected a talk and went to work. *hint* I found work is a whole lot more enjoyable when the prophet is on in the background! Anyway, I listed to a talk by President Monson, which of course was great. Then, I wanted more. So I listened to a talk by Sheri Dew. I love how direct she is and how much she believes in women. If you have a half hour to feel renewed joy, strength and faithfulness in womanhood, listen to her talk: http://www.byub.org/womensconf/
I have so many feelings after this talk, so this might be jumbled. But, even though I am tired, I know that my willingness to express my feelings is definitely stronger at night, so I am going to try now!
I think that at least once a week I have a discussion with someone about how much the world is changing for the worst. I can't believe how bad it has gotten. My mom was just telling me about something she saw in a popular prime time show that just blew us all away. And so many commercials alone are awful to watch. Maybe it is because we live in Vegas so a lot of the wickedness of the world is on display, but I know it is prevalent everywhere else too, and in everyday life. In her talk, Sheri Dew continually emphasized the importance of being different from the world, from the women of the world. We are women of God who follow Him and that should be obvious in the way we live our lives, the things we watch, even what we wear. She told how important women are to building a faithful home, community, and ultimately the kingdom of God on earth.
But, we are not to believe this. The world tells us that to be successful we are to be like men. Success is measured by our title, our accomplishments, and our body. To be a mother is to just be a mother. What a huge tool in Satan's arsenal! If women are so integral to everything, then of course that is what he will target. He will tell us that fulfillment is outside the home. That we are failures if we are not successful in business or politics. That we are not worthy if we aren't a size 2. That we are chained down if we are at home with our families. If we believe all these things, we will not be fulfilling our role, our purpose. Sheri Dew said that there is a reason we are the center of the home and family. We are given unique characteristics as women - the ability to nurture, serve, be unselfish, be faithful, and others - that give us an immense strength. That strength is what is needed to raise future generations in righteousness and push forward the work of God on earth as women of God, not of the world.
I cannot imagine more joy than I feel about being a mother (okay, that I feel most of the time being a mother!) I cannot in all my thinking imagine anything else that could come close to replicating that feeling. Nothing. Being a woman is definitely a divine calling, one that is uniquely different from any other. Oh how grateful I am to say I am a woman!

The little things that make a big difference

2008-10-26T22:54:00.001-07:00

Are there those things in your life that just bring you joy, that nourish your soul? Wow, I know that sounds cheesy, but really, are there? Things that are so inherently good that you can't help but feel uplifted afterwards. I have been thinking tonight about how important these things are to me, to keep me happy, energized, and calm. Now, my list is probably a little different from yours, but here it is: Anne of Green Gables and Avonlea, miniature golfing with my husband, a good conference talk, talking with a good friend, my boys' laughs, daydreaming of Paris, and many others. Tonight I was feasting on one of these things that fills me with utter delight - The Little Prince.
I love the Little Prince. Up until now, I had only read it in French... about ten times at least. It is beautiful, poetic, deep yet simple. I love it (did I mention that already?!) I suggested to my book group that we read it next month, and they agreed. So, tonight Mike and I started to read it in English. I am so excited that he is willing to read this with me because I honestly feel like it is a part of my soul now. Maybe it is the simple stories that say so much about our society. Maybe it is something about seeing the world through the eyes of a child and the simplicity of life and joy he finds. Maybe it is my desire to be a kid. In any case, I could literally feel my battery recharging. I want to share some little insight from the book that would demonstrate to you how wonderful it is, but I am at a loss of even where to begin. It is all wonderful. If you have an hour free that you could use to uplift your spirit, read The Little Prince. You'll be happy you did!

Tolerant?

2008-10-15T18:45:00.001-07:00

So, I have to rant. This means it may not be coherent or make any sense, but I just need to get it out there!
We hear a lot about tolerance. We are supposed to be tolerant of different lifestyles, people's choices, different cultures, races, and faiths or the lack thereof. Someone who embraces all of these differences is "tolerant." Have you ever noticed, however, that those who are supposed to be the most tolerant - those who support gay marriage, abortion, etc - are generally selectively tolerant?
I am a conservative Christian. I have my beliefs and faith, which I accept as truth. As such, I incur the wrath of the "tolerant" in our society. When Mike was going to school in Portland, he was a definite minority, and his beliefs were looked down on because he didn't accept everything in the world and society as okay. One day in class a fellow classmate admitted to being Christian but had been too afraid to tell anyone because of how looked down on it is. I also remember a story on the news there that sums it all up. There is a part of downtown Portland that is decorated for the holiday season each year. Large representations of several faiths were put out to celebrate. However, the cross, as the Christian symbol, was vandalized repeatedly. They were thinking they might not be able to keep putting it out. Now, why were no other faiths' symbols treated so? I know that these kinds of attitudes and actions are not just present in Portland. I've seen them everywhere. I was watching America's Next Top Model (yep, guitly pleasure!) when they were talking to a prospective contestant who happened to be LDS. The judges were appalled that her parents were upset with her when she had sex at age 16. Why can we not have morals without being looked down upon? Why can't tolerance include those who have standards and morals, faith and beliefs?
So, I guess that as society becomes more and more "tolerant" we will also become less and less moral, wholesome and good because that lifestyle is not "tolerant," "cool," or "right." Fortunately, we have knowledge and faith that is not tossed to and fro with the world. I will just have to take comfort in knowing that my seemingly narrow view according to the world is the one that not only brings me joy here but will forever.

The joy of creation

2008-10-10T18:24:00.000-07:00

I am left brained. No doubt about it. Until recently the only non-left brained thing I did was music, and even that was more a mastery of technique. But about five years ago I decided to explore the right side of my brain a bit more.
I had just had a hard break-up and I decided that while I was waiting around I should learn something new. So, I learned to cook more. To me, this is definitely a creative talent. I wanted to learn how to put ingredients together to create something that tasted and looked good. Well, the looking good part is still coming, but I learned that I love cooking and coming up with new ideas.
After I became pregnant with Jordan I really wanted to figure out a fun way to keep his baby book in which I could put anything and everything that I wanted to remember. Pictures, stories, facts, thoughts, etc. I decided to take the plunge and start scrapbooking. I had always resisted entering that far into my right brain, but I did it. And you know what? I love it! I love thinking of new ways to make a page fun and cute while telling everything I want to. Now, this doesn't come easy. I look in magazines and other people's scrapbooks to get good ideas. But, the more I do it, the easier it is to come up with it on my own.
Lately I've been feeling like this isn't enough. I just have had such a strong desire to make things. I have about four or five different projects that I am gathering materials for. Before, I always thought there was no way I could just make something I got an idea for. I would just search and search for something like it. But now I think, "why couldn't I just make that?" I love the feeling I have when I have accomplished a project. I am still a work in progress, but I can tell it is getting easier.
Then, at the General Relief Society meeting, President Uchtdorf spoke about finding happiness. He said that to find God's happiness we need to do those things that he does, or at least try to emulate them. One of the attributes he spoke of was creation. He told us how we all have the desire to create and that we can find happiness in doing so. He said that it doesn't have to be a craft project or good dinner, but it could be a home, or something like that. Whatever we can do, we should find ways to create. I just loved his talk because I have felt those same feelings lately. So, I am going to continue to cultivate my right brain and find joy in it.

The perfect formula

2008-10-08T21:13:00.001-07:00

I've spent the past three days reading two books. I couldn't stop. And then I figured it out. The perfect formula for a successful chick flick, book or film.

one relatively ordinary girl
+
one extraordinary man
+
a little adventure
= one great chick flick

Of course somewhere along the way he helps her understand that she isn't as ordinary as she thinks. Works every time.

7 interesting things

2008-10-06T13:19:00.000-07:00

I was tagged to do this post - 7 interesting or weird things about me. Well, since I haven't posted in a while, I will go ahead and do this one!

1. I like to dip my toast in ketchup (but don't say gross until you try it - I have had many friends be surprised that it actually is good!)

2. I love to peel things. It is really addicting.

3. I don't like wearing socks and I can't wear anything with a high collar because I feel like I am being suffocated.

4. I was president of BYU College Republicans when I was in school. I used to love politics (I know, I already covered that!)

5. If I could pick any talent to have, I would want to be able to sing really well.

6. I'm really stubborn...just ask Mike. I don't like people trying to make me do something or feel a certain way. Yeah, I'm working on it. :)

7. When I was a freshman in high school I wanted to be a lightning photographer. I love lightning and thunderstorms. I actually get giddy.

Politics

2008-09-29T08:50:00.000-07:00

I used to be really into politics. When I was in college I was president of BYU's College Republicans. I was on a Congressional campaign's staff and I volunteered on many other campaigns. I was on the county's Republican party executive committee. I went to my precinct caucus meetings and to every convention.

But not any more...

Soon after I got married I decided to cut politics out of my life, at least for a little while. The problem is that I am extremely passionate when it comes to politics. I can't just calmly sit and watch or read something political. I get worked up. You know that scripture in the Book of Mormon that says to bridle your passions that you may be filled with love. That's me and politics. I haven't yet learned to bridle that passion, so I need to stay away from it. It is hard to explain how it feels, but I don't like the strong negativity I get from being involved with it.

The other day I thought I would try to watch the debate between John McCain and Barak Obama. I still am interested, so I turned it on. After about 30 seconds I was already trying to join the debate. I could feel it all coming back. So, I turned it off. I guess I still am not ready for politics again. Hopefully soon I will learn how to be calm about politics, but until then I will have to keep it out. Don't worry though, I am still going to vote!

Mama's boys

2008-09-26T17:00:00.000-07:00

I love my boys.

My boys are mama's boys, especially Evan. There are times when I am literally the only person that he wants and he only is happy again when he is with me. The other night I went visiting teaching, so I wasn't home when the boys went to bed. When Evan woke up for his first feeding of the night, I could tell he was happy to see me. Then, when Mike went to put him in bed he was not ready to go. It is nice to be loved so much.
The past couple of days I haven't been feeling 100%, so I haven't had the energy I normally need to keep up with them. And, because they are such mama's boys, they like a lot of my attention! Last night I was so excited for the boys' bed time so I could finally rest. But, after they had been in bed for about an hour I really wanted to see them. Pathetic, huh?! But, after some soul searching to understand why, after 12 hours of non-stop boys I wanted to see them again so much already, I figured it out.
I used to have a comfort object. I always felt so much better when I held it. But, I haven't had it for many, many years. I think I have been struggling to replace it ever since. Last night when I was tired, unwell, and lonely (Mike was at school still...) I realized that my boys are my comfort. I just wanted to cuddle with one of them to feel not only the joy and love I have for them, but that I feel back from them. So, I went and laid down with Jordan for a minute and felt so much better!

Confession

2008-09-23T18:13:00.000-07:00

I have a confession. I get frustrated with my kids and my husband. I wish I didn't, but I do. Then, I get more frustrated that I am frustrated and it just spirals. We hear from great men all the time about their wives never complaining and being happy while they were gone all the time. If it is really possible, well, then I am failing.
You know that hypothetical question, if you could ask one person a question, who would it be and what would you ask? I know without a doubt what my answer would be. People might feel like it would be a wasted question, but I think it is exactly what I would want to know. I would ask Julie B. Beck if she ever got frustrated with her family. I admire Sister Beck so much and would love to know the answer. I just want to know if the pressure I place on myself to never feel that way is unrealistic or not. I know that there are a lot of pressures placed on women in the church to try and always be happy and do everything we can, and I would love one of the leaders of the women to say that we don't have to be perfect. Maybe this is all common sense to everyone else though, I don't know.
I have, however, found some tricks that help me have a little more patience through the days. I've learned that if I set out with the intent of doing nothing else with my day but take care of my kids, then I am a lot happier. And, if I am able to get something done, it is just icing on the cake. Also, I must eat a good breakfast (although doing so takes away any possible low blood sugar claims I could make...)
The biggest help to me, though, is to remember that there are seasons to my life. I had been thinking a lot about this when Elder Ballard gave his talk in conference last April that reaffirmed my mindset. I know that right now is the season of my life to take care of and raise my children. Sooner that I like they will be busy with school and other activities and I will have more time to not only pursue my interests but do more service and the like... and I might even have a clean house! I won't care at that point how long Mike is gone doing his responsibilities because there won't be babies and toddlers climbing on me and fussing for all their needs to be met immediately. Oh, and I will be getting more sleep! This thought honestly brings me a lot of comfort and I can literally feel some of the pressure slipping away.

Reality check

2008-09-21T11:21:00.000-07:00

I know I already said my peace for today, but here we go again!
My boys are an interesting lot. They are extremely active, hyper, playful, etc, but just so long as I am right there with them. Subsequently I spend all my time during the day taking care of them or playing with them. A lot of the time I don't mind. I understand that when people say it goes by so fast they mean it. So, I play with them. I hold them. I dance, sing, and goof off with them. Occasionally I really wish that either of them had an ounce of independence, but I wouldn't change them really because, as most children are to their mothers, they are perfect. But, this leaves me with no time to myself (I usually even have one of them following after me into the bathroom...seriously guys!) By the time they go to bed at night I not only exhusted, my body can't seem to move any more. If I can muster up some motivation, I usually use it to do the dishes, laundry, or something domestic like that. With all of this combined, I usually don't get a chance to do those things that I enjoy.

Sometimes I forget who I am. I forget what I like, what my interests are or even my personality. When people ask me what I like to do, it is often that I just stare blankly at them because I know I should have an answer but it just isn't there. But I truly believe that there are seasons in my life to do everything and right now I am focusing on my kids. Along the way, however, I want to remember who I am so that when I do have that time again I will know what to do with it! Sometimes I make a list of what I used to do with myself when I had time and those things that I enjoyed thinking about (I love to daydream!) I always feel better about things after I have done this because I remember that there is something else to me. So, I am creating a list of things I love on the sidebar of this blog to remind me of who I am. I will just keep adding to it as I recall more things. This way I will remember more often what makes me me.

My siren song

2008-09-21T08:44:00.000-07:00

I have an addiction. I can't help myself. I LOVE to find deals. There is a definite possibility that I get a high from it. I don't pay more than $3 for any one new piece of clothing for the boys (and even that is pushing it). If I find something that is a really good clearance price, I try to find a need for it. Mike knows that when we go to a store, especially one like Target, I will be sidetracked at every red clearance sign. Like the Sirens of Greek mythology that lured sailors off their path and into the waiting cliffs, so those clearance signs are to me, pulling me off my course. I seriously can't help myself. They are irresistable.
But there is such a sense of accomplishment in getting something we need for such a good price. Maybe it is because Mike is a student so we don't have money to spare. Anyway, I am still coming off one of my good deal highs. Yesterday I went to Goodwill where all clothes and shoes were 50% off. I bought the boys brand new halloween costumes for $1.50 each! I love that!

The blessing of having a mimicker

2008-09-19T20:30:00.000-07:00

My son is a mimicker. Anything and everything. If I take a drink, he takes a drink. If Evan sneezes, you can count on a chorus of sneezes from Jordan. When Evan crawls, Jordan is right there with him. And if a friend falls down, you can bet Jordan will be there to fall down too. I have been really frustrated with his mimcking lately - we can't get him to not do something someone else is doing. But I had a slight epiphany about it today (well, you can call it an epiphany or a rationalization to regain some sanity...)
Pretty much anything I do I see Jordan doing. The other night Mike was teasing me and I tapped his face in protest. Jordan didn't understand and hit Mike in the face and laughed. I realized that I literally need to watch everything I do or say around Jordan. In effect, by trying to raise Jordan to be the person I want him to be, I am becoming the person I want to be because I know he will watch everything I do. I can't say those things that I wouldn't want him to say or do those things I wouldn't want him to do. I guess it turns out that having a mimicker is quite the blessing after all because as he grows and understands more, I need to make sure that I am a good model for my little mimicker.

Jordan insisted on being swaddled just like the baby...my little mimicker!

Here we go!

2008-09-19T15:30:00.001-07:00

Welcome to my new blog! I just wanted to have a space to share my thoughts about life. I guess I like to day dream...and I like to talk. So, to spare my husband some of my every day ramblings I am going to write them all here.